Bottle Rockets (2803 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Childhood
Rating: 1.94 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-04-22 13:20:27 EDT
Back in the day before the common household computer, kids made their own fun by actually going outside. I know it sounds ludicrous, but I swear it's true.
One fine day during a summer break, my older brother (Joe), my next door neighbor (James), and I decided to entertain ourselves by shooting bottle rockets at passing cars. I'm not sure what our reasoning was at the time, as it was a few years before we went to college and started drinking on a regular basis, but I daresay we were bored and immature. After much discussion, the plan was set and placed in motion.
My brother would climb a tall tree to be the lookout, and James and I would hide in the ground cover on the side of the road. When Joe gave the code words (agreed to be "FUCKING CAR!!"), I would plant the bottle rocket and James would light the fuse. The plan was to scare the shit out of passing motorists. If, by any chance, said motorist should stop and give chase, James and I agreed to a designated rally point in my backyard. Joe, it was also agreed, would take his chances and remain hidden in the tree.
After a few close calls and a few chases from wounded passersby, we were down to our last firework.
"FUCKING CAR!!", my brother shouted.
I planted the rocket. James lit the fuse. Then Christopher Walken as the Angel Gabriel appeared and said to me, "You know what would be fucking hilarious? What if you aimed that bottle rocket at your brother? Jesus Christ, I think I'd piss myself!"
I thought long and hard of the possible repercussions of such an action, decided my fate and said to James:
"Hey, check this out."
I adjusted the angle of the rocket. Up. Up. A little more. Just a cunt hair more. There. Perfect.
"Umm, what are you doing?", Joe asked with the seeds of concern sprouting in his mind.
The Mr. Walken spoke to me again, "You remember when Joe beat you with that piece of firewood? Well, if you hit him with that bottle rocket, that beating is going to feel like a Swedish massage compared to the asskickery he'll bring down on you for this. You dumb bastard."
I immediately reconsidered my decision and put my hand in motion to correct the trajectory, but alas, my reflexes were not quite at the Miyagi-like level they are currently.
Fffffffttt!! There it went. Damn.
Joe was only about 20 feet up in the tree, and there really was no way I could miss him. The best I could hope for was that the rocket would strike a glancing blow and continue on to detonate harmlessly past him. But, as my luck seems to always dictate, that wish was to go ungranted. Through some hellish trick of physics, the bottle rocket managed to hit Joe square in the chest and fuse itself to the nylon windbreaker he was wearing, yet continue to fire. Imagine a giant hornet tied by the feet to your jacket, furiously struggling to get away, while periodically stinging you at the same time. That's really the best description I can give, even after all these years.
It seemed to me that the damn bottle rocket was never going to explode. That shit felt like it was going to last for all eternity, but finally my brother managed to viciously brush the rocket away, smearing his hand through molten nylon at the same time. Clearly, the episode interfered with the workings of his inner ear, because he promptly fell out of the tree into the ground cover. Fortunately, the ground cover broke his fall to such an extent that he was largely unharmed. Unfortunately, he was largely unharmed.
He shrieked, "MOTHERFUCKER!!! I"M GOING TO GODDAMN KILL YOU!!! YOU'RE GONNA - HEY!!"
He didn't need to give me another hint. Off I flew. He grabbed a large stick and gave chase. And quite a chase it was, culminating in a vicious and horrifyingly brutal pummeling at his hand.
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 11:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-28 20:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHA!!! Is that really his back?
Submitted by dolfin (user info) at 2004-08-28 20:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Christopher Walken as the Angel Gabriel"
Submitted by joekerland (user info) at 2004-08-19 11:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you for making me famous Jim :-) I'm practically peeing myself reading all of these stories! and I remember hearing some/most of em as I read em - great work!
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-07-20 18:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The role Christopher Walken was born to play.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-20 09:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, gibberish, you broke my streak...damn. The quest continues.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-07-20 03:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh. Just wasn't funny to me.
Submitted by busy (user info) at 2004-07-20 02:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-07-20 02:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-20 02:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-16 11:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:20:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. Love the Christopher Walken stuff.
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funny stuff
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. Love the Christopher Walken stuff.
Submitted by AnchorMan (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious.
Submitted by lp510 (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit...
once a drunk friend of mine was setting off bottle rockets at a 4th of july party.. never let a drunk be near the fireworks.. bottle gets knocked over.. next thing you know they are all flying at the porch and house where everyone was standing.. talk about run for cover..
Submitted by Irazy (user info) at 2004-05-24 13:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we need +3!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-09 14:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:32:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I burned down a 40 acre wheat field with a bottle rocket once...
good times.
--HeimdallsMan
-------------------------------------------------------------
Scratchin' and survivin'.
Good times.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-09 14:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like something I would have done.
+2 for you.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-09 13:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the days of childhood..
Check out my posts for a major nostalgia trip.
Yes. I've resorted to being a shameless plugger.
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-05-09 13:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody hell!
Submitted by SPE (user info) at 2004-04-28 20:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucks for the only children.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-04-28 20:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story. I was expecting your brother to fall harmlessly out of the tree, and then get hit by the car going 30mph. I was hoping that that wasn't the case.
I'm glad that you got your ass beat though. Brothers are great.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-24 17:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-23 08:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, why did it get docked some points? I thought it was great.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-23 03:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.83 on 12 reviews, and I see 11 +2's. No more, no less.
Hmmm...
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-04-22 14:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn the imaginations of a child.
Christopher Walken rules, bottle rockets rule, children playing with fire rule, and you sir, rule for combining them all in writing.
Nice.
Submitted by junebug (user info) at 2004-04-22 14:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yea my dad used to shoot the small bottle rockets at me...he said it would make a man out of me.....
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-04-22 14:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We used to use hollow broom handles, put bottle rockets in them and shoot them at each other like muskets. Amazingly enough no one ever got hurt.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boys are big meanyheads.
I grew up hanging around mostly boys because all the kids on my block were boys.
Their favorite passtime was to drill holes in all my Barbie dolls and blow them up with firecrackers.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I burned down a 40 acre wheat field with a bottle rocket once...
good times.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a reason you are a the man.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe. Funny.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is f'ing great because it reminds me of the stuff I always used to do. I still wear the scares from the beatings.