Adventures in Developing Software for a Gay Bathhouse (Part 1 of 2) (3478 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.79 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-04-22 13:24:22 EDT
As a custom software developer I have worked with some interesting clients over the years. The one that really stands out in my career though is the owners of a chain of gay bathhouses. For those who don't know, a bathhouse is a place where homosexual men can rent a room or locker and have sex with other gay men. They are places most heterosexual men fear to tread.
The software itself was a pretty standard distributed database system with a membership manager and a point of sale cash register. Part of the point of sale aspect of the software was a general store where members at the steam bath could purchase items such as sandwiches, soda, condoms, lube, and something that was enigmatically called 'rush'.
Well of course, being the immature jack ass that I am, I had some extra fun with my test data in developing the system. Usually when testing software, a programmer tries to use realistic test data to simulate standard business transactions. With a gay bathhouse however, I couldn't resist having a bit of fun. Here is a partial list of some of the items I used for test data in the general store section of the software:
Rectal Cannon - $5
Black Tape Gerbil - $8
Anal Forceps - $4
Colon Plunger - $9
Penis Wipe - $1
Stool Pusher - $8
Spooge Sponge - $3
So I yukked it up with this data as I was programming and everyone in the office humored me by pretending I was clever when I showed it to them.
Me: "Look! A rectal cannon! 'Cause you know, they're gay! They stick it in their asses and shoot stuff at each other. Come on that's good shit!"
Unimpressed co-worker: "Uh yeah, that's great man. You're awesome"
True genius is never understood in its time.
After a few days, I was told to purge the data when we had a review meeting with the client. Since I had grown to love the data too much to truly delete it, I left my perverted store items on my own workstation and cleaned up the production server database. Then I just pointed the client front end to our production server (for those who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, it's just programmer geek jargon - it will all make horrible sense soon).
So here we are in the boardroom, having a meeting with my manager who is giving a very slick presentation to the two co-owners of the gay bathhouses (who are both extremely wealthy men by the way - gay pays). We have one of those projector thingys where the screen of the computer is projected onto the wall, so everyone can see the software. It's all going great at first. They just love the membership section of the system, it is totally user friendly with the minimum amount of mouse clicks needed. By some miracle we have had no bugs crop up thus far either. Bugs always tend to wait until a client review meeting before popping up.
Then we get to the general store section of the software. And as soon as the general store flashes to the screen the blood drains from my face and freezes in my veins. Somehow, by some horrible twist of fate the demonstration software is still pointing to my own workstation database instead of the production serve. So, right there one the projection screen, during a client meeting to two gay men, in Verdana 12 point font is:
"Rectal Cannon - $5.00 | Black Tape Gerbil - $8.00 ..(etc. on all my horrible store items).."
Up to this point in the meeting I was quiet, but now I let out a totally audible "Oh shit" as I realize now that I was pretty much fucked and I was going to get fired. These guys were our biggest client at the time and if they took their business elsewhere, the company would be in trouble. It was never my intent to offend these them, they were totally cool and tech-savvy clients. I was just trying to amuse myself in a somewhat routine and predictable job.
My boss dealt with the situation fairly well though I thought. He instantly flipped away from the general store screen and back to the membership section to obscure the offending data. My perverted stuff was on screen for only a few seconds. Beyond that my boss didn't seem to react to it at all.
I prayed to myself: Maybe the clients didn't see it.
My boss said to the them, "We seem to be pointing at the wrong database guys. We want you to see this thing with real test data. Ryan, can you go to the server and fix that?" My boss was polite to me, but he was kind of reddening and his jaw was clenched. He was pretty choked at me I could tell, and I was going to be in big shit after the meeting.
I obligingly ran to my workstation and purged my poor misunderstood data items without any regret. That data was probably going to get me canned. I quickly inserted the proper test data into the database and ran back to the boardroom to continue the meeting. I sat down and nodded to my boss to continue the presentation. If the clients had noticed the twisted data, they didn't say anything.
This time when my boss navigated to the general store, the proper clean test data was in place. We continued the meeting without any further incidents and the clients didn't say a word about my 'Rectal Cannon' stuff.
The entire rest of the meeting, I was thinking about how I would deal with my rent and car payments without a job.
After a slow eternity the meeting ended and we shook hands with the clients as per custom as we walked them out the door. Other than the one horrible glitch the meeting was perfect and the clients were extremely impressed and excited about their software. By some miracle, not one bug in the software had cropped up during the review meeting. That was a first for the company for software still in the development stage.
As my boss was shaking the hand of the one owner of bathhouse, the other takes me aside for a second and says to me softly:
"You know Ryan, our black tape gerbils are actually only 5 dollars," and then he winks. I am speechless at this point. Now I totally love the guy in a non-homosexual way. He obviously had a total sense of humor about it, he knew that I wasn't trying to offend anyone, and didn't want to bring it up in front of my boss.
Damn what a guy!
Any ways, my boss chewed me out for a while, but I wasn't fired. Probably because the clients didn't say anything about the incident and were so impressed with the software.
If you liked this, please stay tuned for part II in Adventures in Developing Software for a Gay Bathhouse.
User Reviews
Submitted by cruiseright (user info) at 2005-01-21 02:33:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cool. I live in Vancouver and may actually have a job for you, I need a database system set up, email me at: hotpecs28.at.hotmail.com and we'll talk.
Submitted by Leggs (user info) at 2005-01-09 14:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You wouldn't believe how this story is getting around the gay community in Vancouver. Most people that go to this bathhouse can't stand the fact that they have to put all their personal info into a database. Its not a problem with the great job I'm sure you have done, they just don't trust it in the hands of these coked up owners.
Unfortunately (but not for long) they are the only bathhouse operators in town so there is no other choice of where to go right now but to this overpriced establishment.
Submitted by Leggs (user info) at 2004-10-01 04:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow. I know these owners, they are smooth on the outside but seriously messed up on the inside.
If you only knew how they were ripping off the community where they live. The scary thing is they use their 'database' to their own advantages, seen it first hand. One of them is known as a big powder face queen. Guess she has to save for her retirement somehow.
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-26 11:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah. I laughed. I want to go one of those and just cruise the convenience store, confusing people. I'll eat Cheetos. No idea how this will work.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-22 20:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn! SausageKing narrowly escapes doom.
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-04-22 16:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow - they only charge $5 for a Black Tape Gerbil? My local bathhouse charges $6.50 ($8.50 if you want it jacked up on coke first).
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-22 16:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-04-22 16:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, enforcer, the phobia . com list stated that homophobia is actually the fear of 'sameness'
not necessariily jusy homosexuality.. it's also the fear of other people in general
This was really funny though... Black tape gerbils are only $5, hahaha
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-04-22 15:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me laugh.
Submitted by partisan (user info) at 2004-04-22 15:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
enough with the evil sin stuff. I say if giraffes are doing it, it can't be all bad.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-22 15:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was absolutely fucking awesome. Total BAW material.
Submitted by The_Enforcer (user info) at 2004-04-22 15:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Homosexuality is a SIN. Standing up and speaking against this vile evil does not make you homophobic as the homosexuals would have you believe. Homophobia is a fear of homosexuals. As children of the one and only eternal and loving true God, we have nothing to fear from these sinners. In fact, it is they who are afraid of us. They are afraid of us because we stand up against them and proclaim homosexuality for what it is, a VILE AND EVIL SIN.
Submitted by junebug (user info) at 2004-04-22 14:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha...thats great
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-04-22 14:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, a lesson learned the hard way.
Now you know why code is always stale and functional.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange, but funny.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Those poor queers, either they're being told they're gonna burn in hell or they have software geeks like you terrorizing there most sacred hideout.
Are gay bathhouses the Gay Churches of the future?
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 good posts. YEAH!
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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