Unhealthy Obsessions (31510 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.93 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bart Cilfone <uberuser.at.cilfone.com> (View user info) at 2001-09-26 02:00:55 EDT
I am generally a very easy-going person and like to give strangers the benefit of the doubt. Anyone who knows me will agree that I go out of my way to help others, constantly going that extra mile to get the job done. However, every once in a while, for a brief period of time, I realize the truth: I hate every single person I see.
Yesterday was what professional meteorologists would refer to as a shitty day. The temperature in Chicago plummeted to something like thirty nine degrees Fahrenheit, it was windy, and it was raining cold cold rain. When the weather gets like this in Chicago, Lake Michigan becomes ungodly rough for a water body that isn't an ocean. On this day, there were waves that must have been fifteen feet high crashing into the shore one after another providing a beautiful site for all to see.
Due to a recent injury of mine (see "When Transvestite Prostitutes Attack!"), I have been driving to work lately. I decided to drive along Lake Shore Drive just to get a look at the crazy action on the lake. Sure enough I got my fill. Dark clouds, waves crashing, all the powers of the natural world manifesting themselves before my eyes.
I also saw something I was not prepared to see... joggers. Yes, there were what appeared to be human beings running along the lake with their little shorts, shoes, and headphones while their (often ponytailed) hair bounced in rhythm with their feet.
What the hell is wrong with you people? GO HOME! Momentarily, I felt like swerving off the road onto the running path and mowing down every one of these fuckers who just couldn't get enough jogging. Jog... jog... jog... Jeep Cherokee seventy miles per hour straight to the forehead... jog... jog... jog. Fortunately for me, them, and the city as a whole, there are very large guard rails along the sides of Lake Shore Drive, probably to prevent just such an event from happening.
Anyway, after calming down a bit, I realized that it is ok if these people are jogging-obsessed morons who would sacrifice their lives to look the way that Cosmopolitan tells them they should look, because we live in the United States of America, and it is every American's right and duty to prove to the other two hundred and fifty million Americans this:
No matter how stupid you are,
No matter what moronic futile action you attempted and failed miserably at today,
There is always some other moron who, as difficult as it may be for you to comprehend, is even dumber than you.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-11 21:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was actually good.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-02-11 20:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-11 19:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ubersite was around in 2001?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-11 18:59:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shame on you, Bart, making such a crappy post B@W.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-15 14:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
27800 hits for THIS?
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-15 14:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LOLRZ!1!! B@W!!
Stupid lazy, fat americans trying not to be lazy and fat!! Fuck 'em!
Submitted by Hexavier (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What about the person at the very bottom of that chain? The person who tails the list of 300 million some odd Americans as the absolute dumbest? I'd like to meet this person some day just to watch them accidentally swallow their own tongue.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-10-21 15:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-10-23 22:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pause for a moment. Consider that maybe these people are just trying to get cardiovascular exercise. They could just be concerned about their health. Maybe they can't afford a gym membership to run on an indoor track.
I agree, some people jog only to look how someone else wants them to look. But some people jog just for the healthy aspect, or the challenge, or even the fun.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-07-07 16:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a bunch of idiots on this thread. Talk about turning a funny ranting post into a dumb-ass shit-fest of people who think they're fitness experts.
What next? Are you "runners" *smirks* going to lecture about why it's wrong to mow people down on the highway? Gee... and I thought he was serious!
Assholes, assholes everywhere and not a braincell left to spare....
Bart - Midol works for me when I'm in a mood like that. xo
Submitted by ToiletChunx (user info) at 2004-07-07 16:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nothing like the smell of the lake in the summer. It's a potpouri of dead fish, diesel and shit if I remember correctly.
Submitted by Not a Runner! at 2004-07-07 15:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Silly Runners
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-23 18:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Obviously you've never tried running...you might be able to get your ass out of your Jeep Cherokee. The best times to run are when the weather is bad, trust me it'll up your mood, if u can get out of the door.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-02-06 21:12:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2004-01-08 17:00:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-10-28 14:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-10-18 22:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you're a competative runner one day of not running can mess up your whole system and can really do damage to your workout schedule. It sounds weird, I know, but it's the truth.
I run in rain, snow, sleet, hail...anything.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-09-01 20:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2003-09-01 20:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart- Can I have your babies?
-Hads.
Submitted by Cristine <cvinci44.at.mercyhurst.edu> at 2003-06-09 19:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-06-09 02:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pyscho: jogging ... is good for ur muscles, your cardio crap, and ... u know its good fitness stuff. So your not entirely wasting your time joggin, and who knows the joggers prob love joggin... brainlessly (not that i like to jogg).
Submitted by Psycho Gerbil <psychogerbil.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-05-03 15:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i cant remember this exactly but i heard that if you spent something like 2 hours jogging a day for 20 years you would increase your lifespan by 2 years or something, this might make some people start jogging for 2 hours a day, but i like to ruin everything for everyone so i have to point out that you would have spent 2 years running. slightly pointless, dont you think?
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-03-06 23:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a funny man, Bart.
Submitted by Some Runner at 2003-03-06 20:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Personally I love to run, to challenge myself. I do it to get into shape so that I can defend this country so that people like yourself have the option of criticizing people like me who enjoy being in shape. I don't run with headphones or tie my hair, I just run so that when the time comes I will be able to do what the average lazy American can't do. I have no problem if you don't want to jog, I'm not going to force you, but when you strike out upon an activity that I personally enjoy, and not because I'm addicted to it, I take offence. Before you decide to insult others how about you work on making your like better, it sounds like it isn't going very well and your just looking for a Scapegoat.
Submitted by Damien <aintgotnone.at.right.now> at 2002-09-13 04:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yup, american.. nuff said ey?
Submitted by Franky <Frankyll.at.haha.com> at 2002-09-11 10:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You are so right Barte! It is possible to comprehend that some people are indeed dumber than you are. It just so happens they're all Americans!!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2002-08-11 04:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fermipunk (user info) at 2002-07-16 13:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
have you ever heard of "endorphins"? They're a natural chemical released by your body in response to stress, such as the strain put on muscles when running. They act as a sort of natural Asprin, dulling the body's pain receptors. The result is a natural "high." People actually become somewhat dependant on that feeling. People who run/jog on a regular basis can go through a sort of withdrawal when they don't run (nothin serious... makes them irritable mostly), which explains why you still see runners even when the weather is shitty. They're hopeless dependants upon druglike chemicals. Let us pity them.
For the record i still think it's retarded... anyone who decides to wake up at the Asscrack of dawn to run 6 miles because he/she LIKES to has some mental deformity.
Submitted by wobaby at 2002-06-11 22:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everyine realises this at some stage, But for most peolpe its at a Atm, and there is someone Checkinbg there account balance before there Withdrawl , everyone knows u get a statement anyway. Its not like u r gonna change the amount u wanted to withdrawl in the first place.
http://sir_wobaby.tripod.com
Submitted by Random Joe at 2002-02-13 17:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You've made my day.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2002-01-16 15:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Nayra (user info) at 2001-11-15 01:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Geez, you have an evil side!
Submitted by SHAWN <PSMCCARTY.at.YAHOO.COM> at 2001-11-06 15:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
NO SHIT