Just fucking smile. (829 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.37 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <feral_pet.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-23 13:39:50 EDT
Walk down the crushed gravel path from the hospital. Not far, just to the little grassed area they set aside for the hopelessly addicted among us. Outside, where it doesn't smell like ancient vomit, barely disguised by bleach and antiseptic. Three floors down and a few hundred meters across from where your babies sleep, worn out by crying and fighting, in white metal cages they call 'cribs'.
You don't smoke. You quit smoking. But you'll light one up, just to have a reason to be out here, and not in there. You'll inhale this sharp, acrid, head-spinning smoke, because out here there's no-one you have to smile at. You don't need to be inanely cheerful, to respond with witticisms until you want to sob in a broken fucking heap on the floor.
'We mislabelled the blood samples and need to take them again.' 'Oh, ok. These things happen.' Smile, smile. Keep smiling. Don't give them a reason not to like you. Don't say what you want to say. Don't say 'That's fine. Stab their tiny pink hands with your little needles, squeeze their blood out, drop by drop, as they scream, into a testube. And remember to do it three or four times, because the blood just won't flow for long enough to fill it.'
Smile when the fat-faced nurse with her meaty white paws holds your baby down and says jovially, 'She doesn't like this much, does she?' Smile when you reply: 'Yeah, she's always been trouble. We're thinking of grounding her.' Smile when the fat-faced nurse laughs, because it's funny, grounding a baby, funny stuff, and you're funny, and you make them laugh, and they like you and they like your babies and so they'll know them, remember them in a hospital filled with babies just like them.
(Light the cigarette. Give it that fast inhale-exhale-inhale to make sure it's lit. Lighter back in the bag. Look at the trees and smoke.)
Smile when they do. Ask about the engagement ring on the nurse's hand, remember the name of her fiance and ask how he is next time you see her. Build some kind of link, because you need to be liked. For them.
(There are two pine trees, bordering the path. Opposite sides. One leans in, toward the other, which in its turn leans backward. An amorous lover, approaching the object of his desire. She, leaning away with maidenly decorum. Wonder for a moment if they'll ever meet, twine, become one object.)
Watch them sleep when the main lights go off and only the soft gold radiance of the down-lights is left. Touch their fuzzy, fine hair lightly, listen to them breathe. Stroke your fingertips over the soft pink skin of her arm as she sleeps with her thumb in her mouth. Watch her sister turn in her sleep and babble something unintelligible in a tiny baby voice.
(Under the path, under your feet, perhaps they meet. Perhaps their roots entwine in a tight intimacy of togetherness. Wrapped around each other, joining, twisting, so close, so inseparable, that to separate them would kill them, as they maintain this appearance of decency above the surface. The cigarette is finished. Crush it beneath your foot, kick dirt over it. Turn to go back inside with a last look at the trees. You know their secret, now. Their poses can't fool you.)
Watch them sleep. Smell the shampoo you use in their hair, see how much they've grown, and love everything about them. Smile. Because this is WHY you smile.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-20 06:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 13:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-04-24 12:37:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Apart from how really good your writing is, you totally nailed that numbing, brisk, pseudo-efficiency you get in children's hospitals. And the way you still can't yell at anyone even when they're on their fourth vial of blood for the day...
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Sure, that sounds good.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-21 11:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a brilliant writer. Truly. It's just something that's in you.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-13 22:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, you do have a way with words. I try to explain what a good writer is... it is a person that uses a word in a way that words were never imagined to be used. Someone who feels so deeply, and has a line going directly from their heart to their brain.
The ability to say how you feel is one thing. It is quite another to show how you feel.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-26 09:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
please, post more of this
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-04-24 12:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apart from how really good your writing is, you totally nailed that numbing, brisk, pseudo-efficiency you get in children's hospitals. And the way you still can't yell at anyone even when they're on their fourth vial of blood for the day...
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-04-23 16:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You suck.
Submitted by davidarnaud (user info) at 2004-04-23 14:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-23 14:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh shit...misfire. Sorry, sorry, sorry...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-23 14:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-04-23 13:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-04-23 13:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another of a slew of really quite meaningful posts that have turned up this week. I can't say I feel your pain - I wouldn't know how, but I can sympathise.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-23 13:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So good. So sad.
I knew you were going to turn out to be awesome.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-23 13:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this. See? It's good you posted it.