I Need It (615 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by gascs (View user info) at 2004-04-24 01:18:12 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
It was a simple day in the hamster cage. Phillip the Hamster was doing his best to drink from that gross bottle thing with the metal tip, because God forbid the humans ever come up with something any more efficient. His cage-mate and the love of his life, Dexy the Hamster (no, they're not related; there just aren't too many last names in hamster circles) was busy working out in the gaily colored orange hamster wheel. As fate would have it (and because this story won't progress without some super crazy random event, and I'll have to drone on and on for pages about a damned hamster cage), a cedar chip fell into the wheel, causing it to be flung at a high speed at Phillip the Hamster's head. He was knocked unconscious.
* * *
A booming voice boomed, "Phillip the Hamster!"
"Um, yes?" Phillip the Hamster meekly responded.
"You must embark on a quest for me!" the booming voice once again boomed, very boomedly this time.
"What? What do you want?" Phillip the Hamster responded in all meekness.
"You must find... the one who needs it!!!" boomingly boomed was the voice that was definitely booming.
"Um, needs 'it'?" asked Phillip the Hamster.
"Yes, 'IT'!!!" boom-boom-boom-boomed the booming voice, in quite a boomedly manner.
"Are... are you God?" inquired Phillip the Hamster.
"Jesus Christ, of course! Couldn't you tell from the ridiculous description of my booming voice?"
* * *
Phillip the Hamster awoke with a start. "Dexy, I must go on a quest to find the one who needs it!"
Dexy looked at her partner in disbelief. He must have one of his hare-brained schemes again, like the time he volunteered to clean shit off of old people at the nursing home to use as fertilizer. That offer she had to front that 80s rock band was looking better and better...
"What do you mean, the one who needs it?"
"God asked me to find the one who needs it," Phillip the Hamster tried to explain.
Dexy was getting angry. This story was becoming totally senseless. "What does he need? What are you supposed to do when you find this person?"
"Huh. God wasn't too clear on those parts." Maybe this story was totally senseless. "I'm sure he'll tell me once I find him, though! I have to get started!"
"Well, try to get home before dinner. We're having food pellets again!"
With that, Phillip the Hamster walked out of the cage to undertake his quest. The quest would come at quite a price, though... he loved food pellets.
* * *
Phillip the Hamster decided to start by looking at Subway for the man who needs it. He figured, at least if the man is not here, he can at least grab a tasty sandwich with no more than 6 grams of fat. He approached the counter and asked the fully licensed and accredited sandwich artist, "Do you need it?"
"No, hold on a second. I'll get Edie the Bread Maker." responded the unbelievably polite and helpful fully licensed and accredited sandwich artist, in a manner of customer service unheard of in other fine fast food establishments.
'Oh, joy!' thought Phillip the Hamster. 'I have only just begun my quest, and already I have found the one who needs it!'
The fully licensed and accredited sandwich artist returned with a short, stumpy woman that looked like she had been hit in the face with a hot frying pan. "ARE YOU THE EGGMAN?" she snarled.
"I have been sent by God to find the one who needs it," Phillip the Hamster tried to say with authority.
Edie the Bread Maker smiled ear to ear as she responded, "I knead it!!! I knead it!!! I knead the bread all day long!!! YAY!!!" She then hopped from one foot to another, dancing a little happy mongoloid jig.
"Knead?!? KNEAD?!?" Phillip the Hamster furiously screamed. He didn't think that's what God had in mind. Disheartened, he turned and stormed out of the fine Subway restaurant, without even having a tasty sandwich with 6 grams of fat or less.
* * *
Disappointed, Phillip the Hamster decided to go to a baseball game to cheer himself up. Who knows, he might find the one who needs it there. He was met with another disappointment, however; it was Free Diet Sierra Mist Bag Giveaway night, and he was desperately hoping for Free Special Edition Commemorative David Hasslehoff Poster Giveaway night.
Phillip the Hamster took his seat, next to what seemed to be an overly hyperactive 7-year-old.
"HEY HAMSTER!!!" the kid yelled as he danced around like Helen Hunt on PCP.
Phillip the Hamster knew he was in for a treat now.
"Hello."
"WHY ARE YOU AT A BASEBALL GAME, SILLY HAMSTER?" the boy asked between giant leaps up and down.
"I must find the one who needs it, by God's orders."
"Ooh, ooh, I KNEED IT! I KNEED IT! HAHAHA HAR HAR HAR!!!" shouted the hyperactive 7-year-old as he drove his knee into Phillip the Hamster's tiny crotch.
Phillip the Hamster fell to the ground, rolling around and writhing in pain. He was POSITIVE this wasn't what God meant. He went to the first aid counter, where they gave him some magic salve to soothe his swollen testicles and help on his quest.
* * *
Phillip the Hamster left the game and continued on his voyage. He approached an old shrubber for help.
"By the holy decree of God, I'm on a quest for the one who needs it."
"Hmm, there was a king through here before, he may be who you are looking for," replied Roger the Shrubber. "Try the tavern."
As he left for the tavern, Phillip the Hamster heard Roger the Shrubber mumble, "Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history..."
When he entered the tavern, he picked out the king immediately. He was the one that didn't have shit all over him. Phillip the Hamster went over to consult him.
As he approached, before he could open his tiny hamster mouth a knight jumped into his path. "Nu!" he shouted.
"No, no, no, no, NO!" shouted King Arthur. "I Ni-ed it! I Ni-ed it! Get out of the rodent's way!"
This was getting ridiculous. "I'm guessing you're not the one who needs it," a dejected Phillip the Hamster stated.
"Needs what, young rat?" asked King Arthur.
"I don't know! I've been set on a quest by God to find the one who needs it! By the way, I'm a hamster." pleaded Phillip the Hamster.
"I know not what you seek, silly hamster, but here, allow me to give you this wand to assist on your quest."
Phillip the Hamster wondered how this hollow wand would ever help him on his quest, but he graciously thanked the king, took the wand, and exited this poor excuse for a British comedy scene.
* * *
Phillip the Hamster was about to give up. He slumped down on a street bench with his tubular wand and his magic salve, next to a strung-out druggie who he assumed was a homeless woman.
"Do you know where an honest woman can get some work?" scratched the voice of the drug addict.
"No. Sorry," was all that the sad hamster could reply.
"Why d'you look so down, furry man?"
"I've just been having a rough time," was Phillip the Hamster's forlorn reply.
"Yeah, tell me about it. I might never get work again after 'Against the Ropes' and 'In the Cut'. You got a name, furry man?"
"I'm Phillip the Hamster. What's yours?"
"Meg Ryan. Say, what is this problem you're having?"
Phillip the Hamster shook his little wand in dismay. "I've been looking for the one that needs it all day now, and I still can't find him."
"Oh, I know exactly where you find the guy that needs it." she croaked.
"You do?!?"
"Yeah, sure, just go down this street, make a left, and knock on the door of the first house on the right."
"Thanks for your help, Meg Ryan!"
Phillip the Hamster was so excited! He might actually find the one who needs it. He followed the instructions; he ran down the street, took a left, went up the stairs to the door of the first house on the right, his wand in one hand, his salve in the other, and knocked.
* * *
Richard Gere was busy watching a 'Green Acres' marathon and eating cranberry sauce (or whatever the hell it is he does when he's not making shitty movies) when he heard a knocking on his door. When he opened the door, he was surprised to find the knocking was from a tiny hamster holding a long tube and what looked like a bottle of lubricant. He looked down and smiled with excitement when the hamster asked, "Do you need it?"
* * *
Phillip the Hamster was never seen or heard from again. God just LOVES urban legends.
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Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-27 10:14:18 EDT (#)
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