A Huge Boner in his Pants (9033 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.67 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by cwl989 (View user info) at 2004-04-26 22:11:13 EDT
Did that title get your attention? Good.
Last night I went to see Kill Bill Volume 2, and on a side note, it was an excellent movie with plenty of ass kicking and guys stroking their beards sideways, in such a manner that I was instantly moved to a raging hard-on. But that's besides the point.
I had planned this out for weeks, ever since I got the date when the movie was coming out. It was going to include me, Tom, Nick, Sarah, and Ross, the token black guy.* We were the group that had seen the first Kill Bill, and we had to keep tradition.
*He also filled the role of token gay guy.
At any rate, everyone had already arrived and were waiting outside of the movie; except for Tommy. He was late, very late. The movie was starting in 3 minutes and he was nowhere to be seen. We had been calling his cell, but there was no answer, as it was with home phone. If he didn't show up soon, he would be a dead man.
Suddenly, from around the corner, came the mystery man himself, Tom. Immediately, my spidey-sense started tingling. First of all, his eyes were extremely glazed over and he had a huge stupid grin pasted on his face, denoting high-ness. He also reeked of schwag to point that I could almost see the smell coming off him in little green waves. Not entirely unusual for him, but that must have been a lot of weed.
Secondly, he was wearing sweat-pants, which didn't click. He was a very image conscious person when he was sober, and even when he when he was high. He should have been JNCO jeans or something. But no, he had sweat-pants on.
The last thing I noticed, which should have been the first thing I saw because by this time it was practically stabbing me in the leg, was the monstrous boner that was hiding just below the proverbial surface in his pants. It looked like a baby's arm in rigor mortis, about to pick my pocket. Understandably I screamed and in an extraordinary feat of agility, leaped back and did a magnificent triple spin, and landed on my hip, jarring it painfully.
I should say that I am not homophobic, as can be seen by the fact that I am willing to sit in a dark theater for two hours with a gay man next to me. But this was simply too much.
"What the fuck are you doing?!"
"I popped some Viagra, man. This is tight."
"Where the hell did you get Viagra?"
"My dad."
"Impossible. Your dad is almost as virile as hidden*."
"What?"
*Obscure Uber reference that he doesn't understand, but I'm surprised that he recognizes his own name when he's this far gone.
By this time he has begun walking up to strangers and thrusting his pelvis, and consequently his erect penis, at them. Foreseeing danger, especially since both a large, angry looking African American fellow and a security guard are coming this way, I decide to pull Tom into a bathroom to escape notice.
"Hey big boy, why did ya pull me in here?"
He bats his eyelashes at me suggestively, to which I respond to by slapping him in the face. Call me a sissy, but I didn't have the heart to punch him.
"If you drain the dragon, so to speak, will it go away? Sarah's mom is picking us up, and if she sees that, we're all dead."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Good. You stay here while we go see a movie."
*Fast forward two hours.*
We come out of the theater, utterly satisfied by the orgasmic experience of David Carradine and Gordon Lui, and lay eyes on the most horrendously embarrassing sight ever known to man. Tommy, the front of his shirt drenched in fresh jism, running up to us, hailing us, and us trying to pretend we don't know him.
Note to self: high people don't know where they're shooting it.
User Reviews
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-08-24 22:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this gets a plus two for the last 4 sentences
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-24 22:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i finally saw Kill Bill Vol. 2 and it was all that is awesome.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-08-24 22:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uhhh...
You're welcome?
Submitted by Tizzle <nightwolf403.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-08-15 23:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha. You guys have such a hard time. I mean, having penises and all. It must be tough.
Anyway. That was almost touching. Sometimes I wish I had a penis. And then I read/hear about stories like that... and, now I'm grateful that I can't get my OWN man-milk on the front of my t-shirt.
Thanks for making me glad I have a vagina instead.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-05-03 19:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
i love it.
yes, it's true, when i get a boner, it's like a tower of galvanized steel.
man, i still haven't seen Kill Bill Volume 2. it's driving me crazy. i have to see what happens after Volume 1.
Submitted by Jo <me.at.gragon.com> at 2004-05-03 19:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How I dearly love Tommy for the idiot that he is. And the funny thing is, I was at his house earlier that day too I think. Or the day before. Whatever. Anyway, awesome..wording?
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-04-27 11:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-27 10:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahhaha......
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-04-27 07:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is nothing better than stoners when you're down. Did he really stay in there for 2 hours, though? When I'm high I instantly get ADHD and I would have wandered all over the theater for the entire time.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-04-27 04:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was lovely thank you
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hah
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Loser, wallflower, whatever you say: he's it.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I highly suggest finding a replacement for Tom.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny - but admit it "your friend" is actually you, you cum soaked deviant.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that is one fucked up dude.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That disturbed me and scarred me in multiple ways.
But I laughed.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've had weird experiences in movie theaters too.
Like when one of my friends fingered a girl in a movie theater until her orgasm, with her moaning in full force, and not even caring that there was 300 people around trying to watch fucking Starsky & Hutch.
Heh.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Uh...I didn't want to like this, but the mental image of some stoned, Viagra popping fella running around a movie theatre with spunk on his t-shirt made me laugh. Sick, dude.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you eat too much Viagra everything turns blue and cloudy.
And your boner gets so hard it actually hurts.
And if you masturbate you can shoot a load over twenty feet.
At least that's what my grandpa told me...