Bible Studies with Jonukah! Sermon #1: Smoke pot, eat cicadas, and fuck your uncle’s wife. (3365 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.18 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2004-04-26 23:49:23 EDT
I was reading the bible the other day, as I do every night.....<pauses for laughter (myself included)>....and for some God-awful reason, I poured into Leviticus.
I find Leviticus to be a very depressing and disappointing chapter, er....book. There are so many things I have discovered that I am not allowed to do. And I'm very confused as to what I AM allowed to do. Let me give you an example:
20:17 And if a man shall take his sister, his father''s daughter, or his mother''s daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a shameful thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of the children of their people: he hath uncovered his sister''s nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity. 20:18 And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath made naked her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people. 20:19 And thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother''s sister, nor of thy father''s sister; for he hath made naked his near kin: they shall bear their iniquity. 20:20 And if a man shall lie with his uncle''s wife, he hath uncovered his uncle''s nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless. 20:21 And if a man shall take his brother''s wife, it is impurity: he hath uncovered his brother''s nakedness; they shall be childless.
Things I've learned: The only thing I have learned from this passage is that the best form of birth control, apparently, is to fuck your uncle's wife. It is completely permanent, is cheaper than getting your tubes tied, but depending on your aunt-in-law, this procedure may be more invasive and scarring.
Secular Interpretation: Can you imagine the conversation Moses must have had with Aaron or some other sick fuck in order to include this in his third book?
Aaron: I'm horny
Moses: Good for you
Aaron: There aren't any single ladies around here to fuck
Moses: Sorry
Aaron: Can I fuck my mom?
Moses: No
Aaron: What about my sister?
Moses: No
Aaron: Aunt?
Moses: No
Aaron: Daughter?
Moses: No
Aaron: Sister?
Moses: No
Aaron: What about you?
Moses: .......
And we all know what happened after that. You don't see any line in Leviticus 20:17 forbidding you to fuck your brother, now do you? You can't have sex with your brother's wife, thereby revealing your brother's nakedness, but it says nothing about fucking your brother.
***Other good news:
Leviticus
11:20 All winged creeping things that go upon all fours are an abomination unto you. 11:21 Yet these may ye eat of all winged creeping things that go upon all fours, which have legs above their feet, wherewith to leap upon the earth. 11:22 Even these of them ye may eat: the locust after its kind, and the bald locust after its kind, and the cricket after its kind, and the grasshopper after its kind. 11:23 But all winged creeping things, which have four feet, are an abomination unto you.
Things I've learned: CICADAS ARE FUCKING KOSHER!!! Eat up, people
Secular Interpretation:
You remember that plague with the locusts? (Fuck you literalists, you know what I mean) Well, this is how I guess things went down
Disgruntled farmer: Damn the locusts, they're eating are crops? Is God punishing us?
Moses: No, God is punishing the Egyptians.
Disgruntled farmer: But they're destroying OUR fucking food too!
Moses: Don't question God
Disgruntled farmer: Well what the fuck are we supposed to do? All of the crops are destroyed, our reserves are running out, and they're fucking locusts all over the place.
(LIGHT BULB!)
Moses: We....can.....eat the locusts!
Disgruntled farmer: I thought bugs were abominations
Moses: They are
Disgruntled farmer: Well....aren't locusts bugs?
Moses:....yes.....
Disgruntled farmer: So they're abominations!
Moses:.....true. But they're different.
Disgruntled farmer: How so?
Moses: They've got funky legs and hop
Disgruntled farmer: Why should that make a difference?
Moses: DON'T QUESTION GOD! JUST EAT THE FUCKING LOCUSTS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
.....I'm not sure Moses would curse like that, but he does have to put up with God all the time, and God can be a real raving bitch. After all the shit Moses had to go through, he gets a little pissy, hits a rock with a stick, and is forever forsaken from the promised land. This is why I sometimes believe God is a woman. She doesn't care how hard a day you've had at work, but you come home with an attitude, and she withholds sex. Typical.
***IN CLOSING:
Oh, I know it is a little late, but I would like to make a little tribute to our belated holiday by reviewing Leviticus 4.20:
"And he shall do with the bullock as he did with the bullock for a sin offering, so shall he do with this: and the priest shall make an atonement for them, and it shall be forgiven them."
OBVIOUSLY, "Bullock" is a typo lost in translation, and is supposed to be "blunt."
"And he shall do with the blunt as he did with the blunt for a sin offering (in other words, burn and smoke it), so shall he do with this: and the priest shall make an atonement for them, and it shall be forgiven.
See! God says its all good to smoke pot. You just have to read between the lines....it might help if you are reading it while high.
That may go for this entire post.
Brought to you by:
Buddy Jonukah
User Reviews
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-12 21:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude you forgot to photoshop the pic
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Leviticus is some funny shit.
Submitted by Too tired to log in at 2004-06-12 04:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF is with that picture? Even at 4:37 am ( and having to work tomorrow) Even I can tell that bit a big one, and no you're not spossed to eat fucking bugs (locus whatever the fuck you want to call em) & no you aren't spossed to be smoking that shit- it makes a person too "crazy" and why the fuck would you want to fuck your Aunt? Usally ugly as shit! Ugh! I couldn't do that.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-03 16:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thort that the bible was just a Lord of the Rings ripoff anyway...
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-05-06 23:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bruce campbell forever
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-06 22:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-05-05 16:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
interesting
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-04-30 20:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yea, that silly silly bible...trying to warn against the dangers of incest.
who do those prophets and teachers think they are?
what is your point here Cornelius?
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-04-29 12:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, I thought SOMEONE would like the damn picture, and either applaud or slam my meek Microsoft paint abilities
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-28 16:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to make up RagnarokPrime.
Submitted by RagnarokPrime (user info) at 2004-04-27 16:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And this is a little funny...
Submitted by RagnarokPrime (user info) at 2004-04-27 16:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loren1 why dont you keep your insults to yourself. at least i stand up for what i believe in. I dont want to make anyone hate me. So, just drop it.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-27 16:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RagnarokPrime -
"...-2 because you slamed the bible"
Another bible toting moron who can't spell. Great. Get a fucking life.
Submitted by GreenRiver (user info) at 2004-04-27 16:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
all those giving -2s must be pretty insecure about their faiths... y'know, it's ok to laugh
Submitted by RagnarokPrime (user info) at 2004-04-27 15:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
just becaue you slamed the Bible
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-27 13:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the category
+1 for the post
somewhere it says in there (genesis 1:12 or something like that i dunno) that "god gave us all seed bearing plants and herbs to use".. it's on a Hill cd right before Hits From The Bong.. i love getting my religious doctorines from rap songs!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-27 12:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quartermain:
"If God is a woman, not only will I be sent to Hell, I'll never know why."
That was fucking hysterical.
Great post.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-04-27 11:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this reply:
"If God is a woman, not only will I be sent to Hell, I'll never know why. There will just be this voice saying, 'If you don't know what you've done to deserve eternal damnation, I'm not going to tell you.' "
BAhahahahahahaha!!!!!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-04-27 11:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**This is why I sometimes believe God is a woman.**
If God is a woman, not only will I be sent to Hell, I'll never know why. There will just be this voice saying, 'If you don't know what you've done to deserve eternal damnation, I'm not going to tell you.'
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-04-27 10:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:26:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
" Oh, I know it is a little late, but I would like to make a little tribute to our belated holiday by reviewing Leviticus 4.20: "
This should perhaps read "a belated tribute to our little holiday"
But I'm just knitpicking.
I think that, perhaps, I agree with Bigmike. But only sometimes.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-04-27 10:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-04-27 07:00:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
My very first +2 goes to you. Nice work!
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+2 for Jon popping someone's "kicker of all ass" cherry! You pimp, you!
Submitted by vildy (user info) at 2004-04-27 10:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Wingfoot (user info) at 2004-04-27 07:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-04-27 07:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My very first +2 goes to you. Nice work!
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-04-27 03:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Buddy Jesus.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-27 03:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhahahahahahaha.... nice
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-27 01:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not bad, but just MEH.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-27 01:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the post, it was entertaining.
I read the reviews, not everyone else thought so.
I don't think I've ever given out anything less than a +2.
-sigh-
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" Oh, I know it is a little late, but I would like to make a little tribute to our belated holiday by reviewing Leviticus 4.20: "
This should perhaps read "a belated tribute to our little holiday"
But I'm just knitpicking.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey, Jesus looks like Jon.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:58:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry. You're an idiot.
______________
Hahahahaha!!
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The bible is a comdey gold mine just waiting to be tapped.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good idea. Execution was so-so. Needs improvement.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's been done.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moses: DON'T QUESTION GOD! JUST EAT THE FUCKING LOCUSTS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-26 23:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Maybe you should try reading the New Testament in order to put all of that in context.
Submitted by Trishtopher (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAH!!!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry. You're an idiot.