Top 10 Ways to Stay Awake in a Meeting (6069 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.61 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Goldeneyes (View user info) at 2004-04-28 10:36:47 EDT
I attend a lot of meetings. Some are informative. Some are even interesting. Most are boring as all hell. And, for some reason, meetings are often scheduled immediately following lunch (or even dinner, sometimes). Great. Feed me a nice big meal, plop me down in a comfortable chair, and make me listen to some boring fuck drone on and on about whatever it is he finds so fascinating.
There is only one possible result from the above combination: the eyelids start to droop, the world gets a bit fuzzy, and you use every ounce of strength and mental willpower to stay awake. Even the fear of other people seeing you falling asleep isn't enough to overcome the overpowering urge to just...close...your...eyes. Just for a minute, that's all. Sleep...blessed sleep.
But no! You MUST NOT GIVE IN! It's like in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" where you become one of the pod people if you fall asleep.
So, without further ado, I present the Top 10 Ways to Stay Awake in a Meeting. I have used all of the below (to varying degrees of success) except one.
10. Bite your finger. HARD. Just chomp down on it, but be careful not to draw blood - that'll only make people stare. Often, the pain will wake you up. But not always...
9. Jab a pen/pencil into your leg/arm/other body part. Once more, a sudden shot of pain is the objective here. Again, be careful. Jumping up and screaming "There's a fucking pen in my leg!" won't go over well if your boss is in the room. Especially if you're the one who put it there.
8. Drop a pen/pencil on the floor. Much safer than #9. The concept is simple - by moving to get it, you start blood flowing and move around a bit and, hopefully, wake up.
7. Leave the meeting. Just get up and leave. Go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, jerk off outside - whatever. Quite practical, but not always feasible. Sometimes you just can't leave...
6. Which bring us to #6 - stand up and stretch. A simple exercise. Again, people might look at you weird, but just complain about how your back aches a bit from bench pressing 300 pounds over the weekend. Or from wild sex. Depends on your audience.
5. Sometimes physical activity doesn't help matters. That's when you turn to mental stimulation. Falling asleep? Try mentally undressing an attractive person in the meeting. But watch out for drool! And don't stare...much. Men need to watch out for hard-ons - don't mind-fuck your secretary and then stand up and stretch. Women, don't get too flushed or leave a wet spot on the chair. And, by all means, if you feel the need to "pleasure yourself," see #7.
4. No one in your meeting worth fucking, even with Michael Jackson's dick? No problem! Fantasize about torturing someone in the meeting. Or your boss. Or your spouse. Men and women with S&M fetishes should again watch out for hard-ons and wet spots, respectively.
3. Bite your tongue. Hard. Grandma is always telling you to do it - little did she know it can wake you up quickly in a pinch. Again, be careful not to draw blood. Unless you're into that sort of thing. Freak.
2. Trying to take notes but find you can't even read what you're writing while falling asleep? No problem! Make a nice top 10 list of ways to stay awake! :-)
And, finally...the #1 way to stay awake in a meeting (and the only one I have *not* tried...yet):
1. Pretend you have Tourette's Syndrome and shout "Woo! Emu Turds! Whoop!" at random intervals! This isn't really feasible if people know you well...but could be a great way to stop getting asked to attend boring meetings!
User Reviews
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2004-04-29 07:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I found a brief spate of hyperventilation works quite well. A sudden flood of oxygen to the brain not only perks you up but also results in a quite enjoyable headrush. Inadvisable if there's a possibility you might have to stand up shortly afterwards though, or if you're a noisy breather. People might stare.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-04-29 07:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kichigai (user info) at 2004-04-29 07:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-04-28 14:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've worked in the same office for about 2 years and I've only fallen asleep in 3 meetings so far, one unfortunately I snored loudly in.
Submitted by Youtalkintome? <Paul_Rezon.at.Yahoo.co.uk> at 2004-04-28 12:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meetings the alternative to work!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-04-28 12:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2.b> Instead of making notes on your PDA, browse Uber over the WLAN :D
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-28 11:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-04-28 11:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To lazy to comment
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-04-28 11:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
buzzword bingo is always a good one
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-28 11:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see...
Submitted by chilp69 (user info) at 2004-04-28 11:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-28 10:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh hehehehehe.
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-04-28 10:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo! Emu Turds! Whoop!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-28 10:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2. Trying to take notes but find you can't even read what you're writing while falling asleep? No problem! Make a nice top 10 list of ways to stay awake! :-)
BINGO!