Karma in the Fast Lane. (1011 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 2 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <feral_pet.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-28 13:11:50 EDT
This is all I do lately. I drive back and forth on this thrice damned, ill conceived, son of a bitching freeway. I live here. I'm going to die here, I know it. One of these days, one of the idiots who never learned the meaning of the word 'merge' is going to sideswipe me and I'm going to end up in a ditch, in the smoking wreck of my beautiful Tarago. (It's not just a mini-van, it's a way of life.)(Yes, it is.)(YES IT IS.) 'There are no ditches on the freeway,' I hear some voice cry from the back of my tired mind. I don't care. They'll dig one, just for me to die in.
Today - Roadwork on a bridge. Two lanes of fast traffic have to merge into one lane of angry lunatics. It's like lead into gold, but not. I'm listening to the radio in a last-ditch ('What is it with the ditches?' 'Shut up. I can hurt you.') effort to stay sane. I should have chosen a radio station that didn't have a 'What's in his pants' contest running, but fuck it. This is a Tarago, and the radio controls are about three time zones away. I'm not unbuckling my seatbelt and crawling all the way over there. There are things in my car. Some of them have evolved into life-forms. It's safer to stay here.
The guy in the car in front of me is unhappy. I know that, because I'm uncannily observant. Also, what with the cars being stopped and all, I can hear him swearing. Loudly. These are words that I never knew existed. His histrionics don't seem to be doing much to make the traffic move, but I admire his efforts and mentally applaud his tenacity. He starts revving his engine, because this, of course, is the magical formula that makes cars move. Even when they're hundreds of metres away fom you. And have nowhere to go. The guy is a genius. I consider walking the rest of the way, but the things in my car will form a guerilla army and take over if I leave them unsupervised.
He's hitting the steering wheel now. And swearing. And revving his engine. All three combined? Surely, the traffic that blocks his way cannot withstand this.
It does. Admirably.
And here it is, the act of a man driven to desperation by the fact that since his car isn't moving, his penis will drop off. SOON. He hooks the steering wheel, gets into the breakdown lane, and speeds off, laughing at the poor fools in his wake. ('You didn't see him laughing. You made that bit up.' 'Are you going to make me coffee anytime soon? No? Then fuck off.')
The traffic starts moving and we sedately continue our journeys. (The third caller through didn't guess what was in his pants, by the way.)
A few hundred metres down the road, I see the man who put so much effort into making the cars do his bidding. He's stuck behind one of the road maintenance trucks who use the breakdown lane. The traffic is pretty heavy today. It's currently travelling at about 60 kph. I think he'll be stuck there, indicating to get back on the road, for a while. The thought is not unpleasant.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My computer's having fits at me. Sorry.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah! To all drivers who, when faced with roadworks, refuse to MERGE, speed past, and then WANT THE REST OF US LEMMINGS WHO HAVE PATIENTLY WAITED OUR PATIENCE IN THE GODAWFULDAMNSLOW LANE TO LET THEM IN.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah! To all drivers who, when faced with roadworks, refuse to MERGE, speed past, and then
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 13:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed from the the first mention of the targo all the way untill the end.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-26 14:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only you could write a story about being in a traffic jam and make it enjoyable.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-04-29 03:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kinda makes me wish I had a car so I could grow some lifeforms in it and make them dance for me.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-04-29 03:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story has at least two things that brought to mind my all time favorite author, Douglas Adams. One is the prominent featuring of a car model we don't have in the U.S. (Toyota Tarago? Ford Prefect? What the hell?...). I can't exactly say what the other thing is; maybe it's just the detached humor and the little tangential details.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-04-28 20:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dufflady and lojope - I never realised so many people were plagued by the things. That's a little scary. Lojope, maybe we should let them have the homecoming dance. It might distract them from trying to figure out how to get rid of me and take over my car.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-28 16:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
karma chameleon... what the hell does that mean anyway.
great post
Submitted by ktcschick (user info) at 2004-04-28 16:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe.... I love Karma. Like when some fuckwad cuts you off in traffic only to be stopped at the same stop light so you can glare at them and hold up that sign made from letters cut from various magazines that says you will follow them home and kill their dog and stalk them for the next month, all because they cut you off....
traffic was a bitch today. great post.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-04-28 15:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"There are things in my car. Some of them have evolved into life-forms."
Mine too! God, I hope we never drive near each other, our "things" may see each other and want to throw a Homecoming Dance. That couldn't possibly bode well for either of us.
This post rocked.
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-04-28 15:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"There are things in my car. Some of them have evolved into life-forms. It's safer to stay here."
"but the things in my car will form a guerilla army and take over if I leave them unsupervised"
I know your things. They're probably much like the ones in my kids' toy box.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-28 14:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
' 'Are you going to make me coffee anytime soon? No? Then fuck off.'
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-28 14:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking greatness. best post all day.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-28 13:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe...
That contest is rather stupid...