Cruise Ship Safety = Crock of Bullshit (1119 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2004-04-28 21:11:25 EDT
If you have either been on a cruise ship or seen the movie "Titanic", then you can sympathize with the title of this post. From the minute you step off the gang plank and onto the ship, your life is at a crap-load of risk.
Think about it. You're on a metal object weighing thousands of pounds that is floating around the world. You're perfectly safe, as long as the ship doesn't somehow become rapidly filled with water. That shouldn't be a worry, however, since the ship is...oh wait, that's right, you happen to be floating around in the largest body of water on the planet! This could pose you a problem when drowning isn't your "thing".
Well, let's not be so negative. Let's take a look at the safety precautions on board. The first day you enter the ship, the crew makes you follow a ship-wide instructional presentation. They basically tell you that if the alarm goes off, grab your life preserver and get the fuck to the muster station before you're buried in millions of gallons of water. Where are these muster stations? At least 4 floors from where you're living. Ok, that's no problem. How hard could it be to find a place on the outside of the ship in the pitch darkness with water flowing rapidly around your feet and people screaming? Exactly...it would be easy as pie. Hell, if you're lucky, the ship might even be on fire so to better light your way to hell. Oh, sorry, I mean the muster station. Once at the station, you can simultaneously begin the boarding of your life boat and the week long buffet consisting of your weaker, raw ship-mates.
This all comes about assuming you even get out of your room. If I hear an alarm go off, the first thing I'm going to do is look out my door, to see if anybody else is ready for this shit. Now if I open my door and see a giant squid and a great white wrestling in my hallway, I'm not going to calmly turn around, grab my life vest, and skip to my lifeboat while humming. I'm going to shit all over myself and then lock myself in the room. With the last minutes of my life, I'll fulfill the prime urge of humankind...to procreate.
So in 20 years, when some fuck nut from the Discovery Channel comes to see the wreckage and search for treasure, I'm sure he'll find my bloated, fish-eaten corpse floating in my cabin naked and clutching my dick. Then we can all have a good laugh at my expense. Woo...
Don't even get me started on the fact that they have DOORS at sea level so the tenders can easily pick up and drop off passengers. What if Henriquez the Ecuadorian janitor trips over his bottle of tequila and knocks the latch off the door? I'll tell you what. His ass will be mutilated by the force of the water flooding into the ship before he can release his bowels all over himself. Trust me, that's fast. I've timed myself before.
So in conclusion, cruise ships are floating coffins. Cruise at your own risk. Just to be safe, I constantly wear my life preserver and sleep on the pool deck. That way, by the time my part of the ship hits the water, all the bloodthirsty creatures will be filled with the rest of my fellow passengers/crewmen/family, etc. Damn, I'm smart.
*Note: Please disregard the fact that cruises are one of safest trips you can take, and that I'm an idiot. Thank you.*
User Reviews
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-04-29 14:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha Kris and Vildy
Next time I go, you're both invited.
Submitted by vildy (user info) at 2004-04-29 10:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm addicted to cruise ships. I have fantasies about them DAILY.
You just can't beat margarita/sushi hour. You just CAN'T!
I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it...oh...the memories...
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-04-29 04:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Last cruise I went on, I was sitting by the pool (saltwater, of course) and overheard a man ask a towelboy if the toilet water in the cabin bathrooms were also filled with saltwater. The towel guy said he hadn't a clue, but it made me wonder.
7 days is almost too long to be curious over whether the toilet water is salty or not. I can't-or, more accurately, WON'T-tell you how close I got to finding out the answer for myself. Blech.
They may be able to keep me safe on the ship, but they cannot save me from myself.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-04-29 04:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Note to self: don't bother posting a disclaimer, no one will read it.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-29 02:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, why can't I go on a cruise....
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-29 01:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-04-28 22:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A hidden gem about cruises is the crew. Try talking to the waiters and other staff. They're from all over the world, and most of them are dieing for some conversation. You learn some really cool shit from them. Oh yeah, and stuffing my face for hours is always a positive too.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-04-28 22:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ya, I was on a cruise for 7 days. I so wish I was still on that boat, it was the fucking BEST.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-04-28 22:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was damn funny
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-04-28 21:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cruises are so fucking fun. all you eat 24 hours a day is probably the closet thing to heaven ill ever attain.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-04-28 21:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You lie
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-04-28 21:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know, this was a total joke...i really had nothing to post.
Cruises are actually insane. The most fun i've ever had. I would live on a cruise ship if I could. Actually, anywhere I can eat 24 hours a day I would live at.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-04-28 21:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You make some good points.
However I hear the buffets are to die for. HA!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-28 21:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mmmmm...cruise ship boys...
Submitted by Snipa (user info) at 2004-04-28 21:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Look at the bright side, 24hr pizza.