Male Masturbation - The Most Difficult Sport in the World (5329 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.68 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Trout (View user info) at 2004-04-29 20:04:13 EDT
Inspired by: http://www.ubersite.com/m/31749
Why male masturbation is the most difficult sport.
Hardest - ha ha ha.
Anyway.
I shall study the categories below and give male masturbation the required marks out of ten.
Boxing's total was 72.375.
Surely bashing the bishop can better this?
So here we go:
ENDURANCE: The ability to continue to perform a skill or action for long periods of time.
Every young teenage boy knows that the secret to being a proficient wanker is practice. One has to ensure that as soon as you have the house to yourself that you spend the entire time milking the lizard. A healthy fourteen year old masturbater in his prime can go for hours.
Mark - 8.98
STRENGTH: The ability to produce force.
Sometimes when involved in hand to gland combat nothing suffices like a bit of brute strength. Show that cock who's boss and choke him until he cries.
Mark - 8.0
POWER: The ability to produce strength in the shortest possible time.
Sometimes when dating Pam and her five friends you have to produce results in record quick time. You may think that you're all alone in the house cracking one off the wrist in a leisurely fashion when disaster. You hear the front door. Undeterred the chronic masturbator has to produce a short sharp burst of power to get the job done.
Mark - 8.25
SPEED: The ability to move quickly.
Not only does the five knuckle shuffle require a great amount of hand speed it sometimes requires the wanker to be fleet of foot. If you've ever been caught tossing off while looking through your front room window at the schoolgirls across the street then you'll know why.
Mark - 7.75
AGILITY: The ability to change direction quickly.
Many masturbators know the pleasure and terror that can be gained from using a gentleman's pamphlet as a visual aid. How many times has the wanker been happily chugging away with one hand while turning the pages of his hustler with his free hand only to discover that almost at the point of orgasm that he has turned the page to an article about a car, or worse - a man? No-one wants to cum looking at men or cars. The ability for the free hand to turn the page back to some of that sweet beaver is a necessary and vital skill in the wankers armoury.
Mark - 6.3
FLEXIBILITY: The ability to stretch the joints across a large range of motion.
Those wrist joints have to be supple. A stroke of the old man and a tickle of the sac requires both hands to be working independently of each other. The self-abuse form of rubbing your belly and patting your head at the same time.
Mark - 5.3
NERVE: The ability to overcome fear.
Many people may not realise it but male masturbation is a tense business. What if you get caught? What if you can't get it up? What if you cum all over your mothers wedding dress.....again. All these things need to be overcome before you can polish the totem to a satisfying degree. One time when I was on these bright yellow painkillers my cum came out yellow. I was so shocked I had to have a second go to see if it was still yellow. That's the act of a professional wanker.
Mark - 8.4
DURABILITY: The ability to withstand physical punishment over a long period of time
Sometimes the art of self pleasure can leave the johnson red raw. Other times it can lose some hairs at the base, making for a painful time the next time you play a flute solo. The professional wanker just lubes up, grits his teeth and lets fly. These brave wankers put up with years of physical pain until they either find a girlfriend or get a job with enough money for prostitutes.
Mark - 8.2
HAND-EYE COORDINATION: The ability to react quickly to sensory perception.
When wrestling the one-eyed champ you have to be hitting the right spots. You also have to take evasive action if a shot of your man juice should inadvertently be heading mouthward. Hands or mouth in the wrong place can spell the hand of masturbators career.
Mark - 7.5
ANALYTIC APTITUDE: The ability to evaluate and react appropriately to strategic situations.
You have to know when the time to buff the boss is right. Telltale signs of older brothers leaving pornography unguarded, parents leaving the house to go to the shops. A wanker must know when the time is right to flog that frog.
Mark - 4.5
Overall Mark - 73.18
So it's official. male masturbation Is the winner.
So the next time you spank the monkey be safe in the knowledge that you're indulging in the most difficult sport ever.
And that, my son, makes you a man.
User Reviews
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-04-30 15:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:42:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do you call yourself Trout?
I was fishing last weekend, we caught some trout. Well, I didn't but my friend did.
----------------------------------------------
It's what I've called myself in most console games since the Legend of Zelda.
I guess I thought it was funny when i was 8 and just kept using it out of habit.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do you call yourself Trout?
I was fishing last weekend, we caught some trout. Well, I didn't but my friend did.
Submitted by l337 dude <j571_98.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-04-30 10:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, you got the entire thing wrong. A negative 73 score means it must be the suckiest sport ever. And I agree. Masturbation is a waste of time.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-30 10:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2004-04-30 07:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by chicken <hand.at.mypants.com> at 2004-04-30 04:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn that choked chicken is one sweet piece of ass
nice work wanker
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-04-30 01:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good shit,
Funny, reasonably well written and.....true!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-04-29 23:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wimp.
Submitted by The_Nipper (user info) at 2004-04-29 23:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at all the different ways of saying how to rub one out.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-29 22:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-04-29 22:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two, as per usual.
Submitted by The.Masked.Assailant (user info) at 2004-04-29 22:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wont bother reading this
but if you're using ESPN's info to use with male-masturbation, well then you can count on a +2
for some reason that sentence sounds muy terrible, im tired
Submitted by Chuck (user info) at 2004-04-29 21:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pun at the begining.
Submitted by Bennywild (user info) at 2004-04-29 21:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A-fucking-plus
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-04-29 21:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Middle schoolers can play hockey too, it doesn't mean they're any good at it.
+2 for using the phrase "gentleman's pamphlet"
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-04-29 20:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Childbirth scores way higher. :oP
I could describe/score... but I would pity the people who read this and say... "hmmm... I think I'll go jerk it now" only to then be slapped in the face with the gory details of a woman in labor...
Submitted by SPE (user info) at 2004-04-29 20:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-04-29 20:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hands or mouth in the wrong place can spell the hand of masturbators career
Eh, that should be "end" of career.
Hand of career, I deserve fucking shot.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-29 20:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This inspired me to go have a wank and say I was working out.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-04-29 20:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I know. I was just being facetious.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-29 20:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, the point of my post was to show that ESPN is full of shit by rating sports in categories and adding it all up in the end. If I'm not mistaken, Trout's just mocking ESPN.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-29 20:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You stole my thunder! Thunder's all I got!
Very funny though.
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Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-04-29 20:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So how come even a middle-schooler can do it?