The WORST roommate ever. (2872 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.37 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by David Jones <davjones.at.iastate.edu> (View user info) at 2004-04-30 04:24:06 EDT
Inspired by the lamest roommate ever post by jwlmar10 I decided I would share my roommate with you all, YAY for sharing. I have maybe the worst roommate ever, and I certainly invite you to do better - or worse; however you are looking at it.
Reasons my roommate sucks:
1. His name is awful. My roommate's name is Maccarone Diaber Declements. Before I continue take a second to absorb that name. It is basically pronounced maroon but instead of the "r" sound you roll your tongue in some crazy manner. Honestly, his first name alone SCREAMS douche bag, but it is just not enough, no, his middle name is basically diaper. Fitting, because he is a damn baby all the time.
2. He is fucking stupid. Diaber, as he prefers to go by, is a fourth year sophomore with a 2.07 grade point average. Now, this is bad, but it doesn't fully explain how stupid he truly is. He is a hotel-restaurant management major (HRI). I know right now you are thinking to yourselves "holy shit, that's a major!?" Well let me assure you, it is. Sadly Iowa State has one of the few doctorate programs in the country for HRI. Honestly, before you respect someone for being a doctor make sure they weren't HRI. A HRI doctor is about as talented as your average inbred 6 years old from Alabama. He failed Math 105 a total of 4 times before passing it with a C-. Now, this class is consumer math, not even simple algebra.
3. I would rather have a tick. This kid is the clingiest son of a bitch imaginable. I am just his roommate and the damn kid tells everyone we are brothers. Diaber, we aren't brothers, I don't like you, die. Now, it is not even just me. Since he has no friends he just clings onto people, according to him he has 7 sisters and 5 brothers at Iowa State alone. Give me a fucking break, or at least give this kid a clue.
4. He is bisexual...sort of. You see, he claims he likes women when he is sober, but when he gets drunk he tries to fuck all manner of men. I don't care if the bastard is gay, but don't lie to me about it, and certainly don't bring that shit back to our room. I guess he thinks I won't notice as he casually lies across a man watching a movie, or that I will not overhear a good bye kiss. This is amplified by the fact that when he comes home drunk and we are "brothers" he feels its ok to either 1) climb into my bed or 2) cry next to my desk for an hour because I refuse to give him a hug.
5. He is a pansy bitch. Now, this isn't ALL bad I guess, but take for example me; I am 5'6" 125 pounds. He is 6'5" 220 pounds. When I get sick of him crying next to my desk, as is invariably bound to happen in time, I kick him to the ground. This usually leads to 1) more crying because I don't love him or 2) him getting back up and trying to wrestle me. Now, I don't particularly want to wrestle with a drunken homosexual, but I don't often have much of a choice about it. Each time I end up kicking his ass so bad he is left with his leg wrapped around his head while eating his elbow. It is ridiculous how easily this happens. This last time I held him down and grabbed my electric razor, threatening to shave his eyebrows off. I think he may have finally gotten the point.
6. He is an alcoholic. At 21 years of age this kid hasn't missed the closing call of a bar in the entire semester. That's right, every night, like clockwork, I can expect him to stumble into the room between 2 and 3 a.m. Not only does this take away from my sleep, but refer to #4 and #5 as to why this truly sucks.
7. He listens to the worst bitch music you have ever heard. All his favorite songs are either 1) girl rappers rapping about how they love to fuck, how great dicks are, or how in control they are, 2) gospel, or 3) some R&B crap involving some sappy, overused, completely lacking in talent love lyrics. Even worse is the fact that he can not sing, at all, and sings along at all hours of the day...or night.
8. He never notices his god damn alarm is going off. Usually, after I am finally alert from the noise I give him another 30 seconds to gather myself, before yelling at him to turn the damn thing off. After I fall back asleep 80% of the time this will be repeated due to the fact that he just hits snooze, and still doesn't notice the damn thing.
9. Did I mention his name is Maccarone?
10. The last bad thing about him is a real tragedy. You see, I can not kill him, because it would be a hate crime. He is half black, half white...an oreo if you will, and he will never let anyone forget it, ever. No matter what happens to him if it is from a white person it is because he is black...and vice versa. Diaber, you suck because you have failed at life already, not because of whatever ethnicity you are.
11. Scratch that, this is the last bad thing about him -- even as I post this he is masturbating in bed next to my loft, causing it to shake. This kid is a fucking tool.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 04:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah kinda.
You should have a lock on your door. And a cattle prod.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-05 04:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird, but the alarm clock bit had me going.
Submitted by DamianD (user info) at 2005-03-05 04:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
sounds like me
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-22 04:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now, I don't particularly want to wrestle with a drunken homosexual"
Its 3:30 in the morning, and I laughed so fucking hard at that, +2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-10 03:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
nah...
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-05-01 04:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm gonna show you how to eat an Oreo...
First you lick, it, then you dunk it...
My Mom said chocolate isn't good for dogs. But you can have the rest of my milk.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-01 04:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's shitty.
The worst I had was a stereotypical black guy (like, straight from a KKK webpage stereotypical). He was short, had corn rows, smelled like crap, listened to FIDDY, smoked menthol cigarettes, liked chicken, blasted G-unit and Boyz 2 Men out of his ghetto generic brand boombox, wore clothes that were 95 sizes too large, smoked pot in the room, sold weed and crack, and wore a gaudy chain necklace, and his first name had an apostrophe in it. He also took a liking to using my computer because he didn't have one. He would try and chase down hoes on AIM under my screenname, while at the same time maintaining a conversation with his girlfriend and assuring her that he's faithful. He gave out the phone number to like 45 people, and a couple times gave out the wrong number. The wrong number happened to be that of my friend on the third floor of my building, who subsequently received random-ass messages like "The Lexus is ready." He took my pocketknife and put it in his pocket and carried it around. This all happened in the first three days of him moving in. Due to some detective work by the third floor R.A., I was informed that this douchebag wasn't even enrolled at my school. He used to be, but he wasn't anymore. The C.R.E. and two cops came and kicked him the fuck out.
Now I have a super-single.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-01 03:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, thats very noble of you, I'm sorry to be pretentious enough to think that my perfectly rated post deserves more of a read then the 8 no content -1.5 or better rated posts that pushed me off the front page and want a few more replies...
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-30 20:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
the next time i'm sent here from another post, u get a -2 instead
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-30 16:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why did u link to this from a camwhore pic?
you will soon learn the ways of the force...
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-04-30 16:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Envenom, unfortunately, I am 100% serious.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-30 14:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just submitted it to BAW. I suggest you all do the same.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, he really does suck.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/23741
I'm starting to think there's no such thing as a good roommate.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I second BAW.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-30 09:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. I want BAW for this. B@W. BorAWor. rowarob. However you want to say it, this needs to be a fucking guide for people before they go to college. I lucked out and had a great roommate and some great neighbors.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-30 08:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't be serious
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-04-30 08:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can feel the love in this room.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-30 07:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, but I'm sorry this is Childs Play. I'm going to have to post about the REAL worst roomate now. I only WISH this guy had been my roomate instead of the guy I had. . .
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-04-30 07:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAhahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!
I want to see a picture of this guy. How can anyone NOT want too see a man named Maroon Diaper?
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-30 07:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just the first part, with his name, pointed out to me that this was going to be a sucky guy, but great post. I wanna hear more about this guy. Other people's shitty luck with roommates makes me feel better about MY shitty roommate, who is slightly less shitty than yours.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. That's bad.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I will call it "How about THOSE burritoes amigo!?"
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Ames.
My bad.
As for you writing posts similar to mine, yes it's fate my friend. I'm still waiting on your post about prank phone calls from a Mexican.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, probably should have said, Ames, Iowa, location of Iowa State University.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm geographically incoherent, where is Aimes?
Is it in Iowa?
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm, Sideburns, this is 2 posts in a row for me where you have something similar, and it's certainly not intentional. I think it's fate. Move to Ames; I have an apartment for next semester, I am not a psycho fucknut, and I know tons of sorority girls who would love to ride the 'burns.
Ok, I'm not sure if they want to do that last bit, but I can certainly introduce you. You in?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In short, my roommate put me in debt, caused my credit to go bad, BURNED MY HOUSE DOWN, which resulted in me losing my car, job, and moving back home.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/27528
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-04-30 04:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell me Uber, do I have it the worst, or can you top Maccarone?