Long Distance Relationships and You (998 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.75 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <feral_pet.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-30 10:43:36 EDT
With the advent of the internet, all kinds of people who would otherwise have remained forever single because of their abrasive personalities have met and fallen in love, and the fact that they live on opposite sides of the world doesn't seem to be a factor. Long distance relationships are on the rise. With this in mind, here is a simple, no-fuss guide to making it work.
1 - Never miss a chance to communicate.
When you're face to face, things can get heated, and coherency tends to diminish. Fight NOW, before you live together. Particularly via an instant messenger. (I prefer MSN, but you can make your own decision.) When you're writing, as opposed to shouting and babbling, you can clearly think about everything you say. You can edit it, refine it, and hit the send button with the clear and satisfying knowledge that you've given the person you love your very best. And all it takes is a little practice. That's right, folks - with just a few weeks' worth of pointless fighting, you too can churn out polished conversational gems like the following:
'You need to grow up.'
'Yeah? You need to fuck off and die.'
2- Find a cheap long distance carrier.
This is fairly obvious. When you spend ten hours a week mumbling variations on 'I really, really miss you' over sixteen thousand kilometeres of ocean, you want to be able to afford plane fares at the end of it. And those phone companies are heartless - they'll hound you over a measly five thousand dollars as though 'But off-peak rates don't work with the time difference' isn't a perfectly valid excuse.
3 - Get a webcam.
Great little inventions these - your lover can watch you swearing at your computer for hours on end. Remember to put some effort in, ladies. If you're going to see your partner - or, more importantly, he's going to see you - take some time to put on makeup, brush your hair, all that crap. DO try to avoid exchanges like the following, however:
'Mum? What are you doing?'
'Putting on makeup.'
'Why?'
'So I look pretty.'
'Why?'
'Because I'm going to talk to Brian.'
'On the computer?'
'Yep.'
'...... You're putting on makeup so the computer thinks you're pretty?'
These conversations will only highlight the pathetic road your life has taken, and make you want to stab yourself in the eye with the mascara wand.
4 - Improve your vocabulary.
This stands to reason. If the only way you can communicate for ten months out of the year is with words, it helps to know as many of them as you can, right? Right. Not to put too fine a point on it, you're going to need about 12 synonyms for the word 'cock'.
5 - Become obnoxious.
Trust me. It might not be easy, but you need to make people not want to come and see you as often. After all, it's hard to practice communicating when you have visitors every night. And herein lies your problem - if you dare to say 'I need some time to talk to my fiance now. On the computer,' you're going to get well meaning relatives who say well meaning things like 'I read a story about a girl who was addicted to the internet and shut herself away and they found her in front of her computer, dead, because she forgot to eat.' Instead, scream random obscenities during polite conversation. It might take some time, but eventually you'll have far fewer guests.
6- Be honest.
I know it's tempting to tell little falsehoods when your beloved isn't around to see you. Don't fall into this trap. Learn from the following scenario, please:
'How are you going with quitting smoking?'
'Great! I've really cut down. I only smoke three or four a day, now.'
'Terrific, honey! I'm so proud of you.'
(Bask in the joy of being adored for a while. Until, of course, he visits.)
'I thought you'd cut down. That's your seventy fifth cigarette of the day.'
'Yeah. Uhh. I'm stressed because you're here.'
Can you see all the ways this can go wrong? I thought so.
With a little effort, you too can have a satisfying relationship without excessive physical contact, without being in the same room, and without even being in the same country...
Where the hell is that mascara wand?
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'...... You're putting on makeup so the computer thinks you're pretty?'
Sheer brilliance. But I cunningly avoided spitting on my computer with clever use of lollies in mouth. (Partly because I suspect that if I spat at my computer, it'd spit back.)
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 13:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Mum? What are you doing?'
'Putting on makeup.'
'Why?'
'So I look pretty.'
'Why?'
'Because I'm going to talk to Brian.'
'On the computer?'
'Yep.'
'...... You're putting on makeup so the computer thinks you're pretty?'
These conversations will only highlight the pathetic road your life has taken, and make you want to stab yourself in the eye with the mascara wand.
---
I spat on my monitor. Prettyful colors...
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-12-01 08:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'...... You're putting on makeup so the computer thinks you're pretty?'
This made me laugh so hard I spit on my keyboard.
I thought that was worth noting.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-25 17:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haven't they made robots that double as and are remotely controlled via the internet for people in long-distance relationships? If it hasn't been done, someone should get right on that.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-12 03:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-09-12 02:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would be such a different person without the internet.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-12 02:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-12 02:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-11 22:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-05-22 17:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just imagine what life was like before widespread net access...
Submitted by ewlong3 (user info) at 2004-04-30 13:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I totally know what you're talking about. 6 days here.
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Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:04:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
long distance relationships do fucking suck...
but i tell ya what i dont have to worry bout that shit no mo starting next saturday woowoofuckingwoo!!!!
and +2 cuz no one gives a fuck nor knows what the fuck im talking about!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-30 11:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one of the best post's on this site ever.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-30 11:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
long distance relationships do fucking suck...
but i tell ya what i dont have to worry bout that shit no mo starting next saturday woowoofuckingwoo!!!!
and +2 cuz no one gives a fuck nor knows what the fuck im talking about!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-04-30 10:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
slowlyrotting - All this is kind of assuming that you've already met. Nice mental image, though... I like it.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-30 10:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the most important thing:
dont send me a picture of a fine ass bitch if it aint you... otherwise ill rape your ass with a fully loaded glock and then make you suck it clean