5 Songs (long) (516 hits)
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Submitted by Evan Greene <ScoutCJustice.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-03 16:51:47 EDT
I find myself lying on some fantastically generic tropical beach at sunset with an umbrella drink in my hand. Lying next to me is a beautiful woman. No need for petty conversation, each other's company is all we need to bring smiles to our faces. The waves gently lap against the shore soothing every fiber of my being. Slowly the waves begin to come in faster and faster. Their sound becomes harsher and the beach fades into a dark bedroom. The waves have turned into the grating buzz of an alarm clock. The woman of my dreams has morphed to a lifeless pillow. It hits me. It hits me like it has every morning for the past 6 weeks. This lifeless pillow, personified by my dreams, is about the closest I will come to ever holding her again. Some memories, some photos and a pillow imagined to be something else, not much of a consolation for something that you put so many months of effort into... so many months of love. A 5 minute conversation, that's all it took to undo something so beautiful. Something I cherished to my very soul.
The persistent alarm final does its job as I painfully rise out of bed. I want to throw it across the room. I want to smash it to pieces with a hammer. My dreams... that's the only place I can still be with her, and this thing takes that away from me almost every morning. I want to be furious, I want to be angry. Instead I just calmly turn it off. I seem to lack the energy and the motivation to do or feel much of anything anymore.
I stare at a few pictures of her on my nightstand. It only serves to make the pain worse, but it's something I must do. 6 weeks and I still can't imagine life without her even though I am living it, if it can be called living.
I flip on the radio, hoping for some uplifting song to brighten the spirits. Alas even the classic rock gods are against me as the sorrowful "Yesterday" by the Beatles plays gently over the airwaves.
"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half to man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday."
Such a simple song. A guitar and a few lyrics. So simple, yet so powerful. It is a song that has an effect on you whenever you hear it. On a normal day that song plays and you have to take a moment to listen, and you feel sorry for you know that someone had their heart torn to pieces before writing something like that. When you are in a state like mine, that song can reduce a man to a quivering mass of sobs and tears, which is exactly what it did. No song has ever captured the sadness of lost love better than that simple 2 minutes and 5 seconds that just played on my stereo.
So many painful mornings that melt into painful days that fade into lonely nights in the past 6 weeks, and I already know that this one will be among the worst. It's a Friday and that makes it hurt a little more. So many people out having fun and I'm all alone. My pain has manifested itself into a cycle that I can't escape from. I wake from some fantastic dream into a world of sorrow. I get myself to work, which turns out to be the most enjoyable part of the day, and I hate my job. At work there are distractions, and while they are temporary at best, every little bit helps. I dread the end of the day. I go home to a wreck of an apartment. I sit amidst a scattering of half-eaten frozen TV dinners and blankly stare at some infomercial while reflecting on what could have been. If I'm lucky, I can find the motivation to pull myself off the couch and stumble into my bed before I cry myself to sleep.
I manage to overcome my song-induced state of depression and get to work only a few minutes late. My boss knows what I've gone through, what I'm still going through, so he doesn't hassle me about a few minutes here and there although I think, after 6 weeks, he's growing tired of my attitude. Him and me both.
My coworker in the next cubicle over listens to music without headphones. Generally no one complains because her selection is pretty good, a nice mix of classic and alternative rock although it does get distracting on occasion. Today was one of those distracting days as the Hives album "Veni, Vidi, Vicious" played from her stereo. Now, the Hives aren't bad or anything, and normally I would enjoy listening to them while working (although you could definitely make the case that it was too early in the morning for their garage-rock sound). I was doing a decent job of tuning out the music until one song, track number 8 to be specific, "Find Another Girl" to be even more specific. Yet, another song about suffering and loss. While nowhere near as haunting or sorrowful as "Yesterday" this Hives song is poignant enough to drive the point home. "Mother I've lost the girl I love/ Mother won't you tell me what to do?" The song does a great job of capturing the uncertainty of this whole situation. However, on a positive note, this song at least offers some advice. In response to her son's question, dear mother says, "Find yourself another girl/ who will love you true, true, true." Of course this advice is pretty much common knowledge and almost completely useless. I can't go about finding another girl because I've already found one; she just doesn't want to be with me anymore. Neither my heart nor my head have the desire to search for another girl.
I struggled through another day at the office, and made my way home to be greeted by a ringing telephone... I hate telephones, but maybe it was her. Maybe she remembered how much she loved me. I dropped my groceries (TV dinners and beer) and scrambled into the house, reaching the receiver just in time.
"Hello" I said gasping into the mouthpiece.
"Hey man, what's up?" said a voice that wasn't female and obviously wasn't the person I'd hoped for.
Recognizing the voice as belonging to my best friend I replied, "Hey Joe, nothin' much. You?"
"Me and a couple of the guys are going to a part out in the hills tonight, I think you should come. We'll have a great time."
"Ahh... I'd love to... but... uh... I've got some important stuff to do tonight." Which was, of course, bullshit.
"Bullshit, sitting on your couch, watching TV and felling sorry for yourself isn't important."
"Yeah, I now, I just... I don't think I should go. I'd just ruin you guy's fun."
"Nonsense. The guys miss hanging out with you... they haven't seen you in weeks. Come on out man. The sooner you get out of the house, the sooner you'll start to forget about her."
"But I don't want to forget about her."
"But you have to, she's gone."
"I just can't believe something so great can just up and vanish like that. She just needs time to figure it out."
"Listen to yourself... 'she just needs time to figure it out'. She's gone. I know you loved her, but them's the breaks. You gotta pick yourself up and move one, and there's no better time to start than now."
"I'm sorry Joe, but I'm just not ready to do that yet."
"Okay, okay. Tell you what, just think on it. If you change your mind the party is at 321 Overton Park West, and you got my cell number so stop by if you feel like it."
"Alright, I'll think on it." We both knew this was a lie.
"Okay, see you around man, hopefully tonight."
"Yeah maybe, talk to you later."
I hung up the phone with Joe. I guess I knew he was right. She wasn't coming back and I knew that, but I couldn't help myself from clinging on to the hope that she would realize that she made a mistake. The hope that she would realize that we were perfect for each other. The hope that she would come back. Of course, I knew that kind of stuff only happened in fairytales and romantic comedies, and I didn't see any talking animals and I wasn't Hugh Grant so I could tell my life was neither.
I didn't turn on the TV and sit on the couch wallowing in self-pity like Joe though I would. Instead I decided to turn on the stereo and sit on the couch wallowing in self-pity. It was a nice stereo, held fifty CDs at a time. Actually she gave it to me. Last Christmas she gave it to me when my old stereo was falling apart. As a matter of fact it was the last thing she gave to me... we broke up a few months after Christmas... ouch. Why does everything I touch, everything I see have to remind me of her?
I grabbed the stereo remote control and plopped onto the couch. I pushed the good ol' shuffle button and let the stereo determine my listening enjoyment for the evening. I listened as the steady hum of the machine cycled through album after album, eventually settling on one with a definitive click as the CD slid into place. Smash Mouth's "Disconnect the Dots", an upbeat alternative rock song, burst through the speakers. Among the guitars, bass, drums and the brass accompaniment a lyrical message surfaced about getting through a harsh break up. How fitting. Something in those lyrics struck a chord in me. The song seemed to make sense where so many others had failed. "You're back in the game again/ You're gonna win it in the end/ Disconnect the Dots and be on your way" That's what Joe was trying to tell me. That's what I'd been trying to tell myself. For some reason this song was getting the message through. I was feeling better and better as the song went along. When the end of the song rolled around I hit the repeat button on the control, not wanting to lose this moment. As the song played again I continued to improve. I was feeling good. For the first time in the past 6 weeks my mouth turned upwards into a smile. I had a new outlook on life. It's amazing how much one little song can change your mood, sometimes even your life.
I knew what I had to do. I knew what I wanted to do. I popped the repeat button one more time and as the third playing of this miracle of a song was coming to a close I grabbed my keys of the counter and headed out the door. I was going to a party. I was going to hang out with the guys, maybe even pick up a girl. Most importantly, I was going to have fun.
I drove down to the address Joe gave me. It certainly was a "happening" party. Cars lined both sides of the street for several blocks. I parked a ways away and made my way to the house. I could hear the thud of the subwoofers well before I got in the door. As I opened the door, I fit the song with the pumping bass. Normally I don't like songs that would fall under the genre of rap, but there are exceptions to every rule and this song was one of them. "Let's Begin" by Bad Ronald is a great party song. Upbeat and happy, I couldn't think of a better song to kick off the party, and get me back into the "game", back into the world.
I walked over to the bar and found my friends hovering around it, no surprise there. I was enthusiastically greeted. My friends told me how great it was to see me, how great it was that I was out of the house. I smiled and agreed. The asked me how I was doing, if I was alright, and for the first time in a long time, I could say "I'm fine" and have it mean just that and not "I feel terrible, but I don't want to bother you about it."
We joked, we laughed, we drank (a lot), a few buddies made failed attempts to get phone numbers and we just had a great time. I was talking with Joe on the edge of what was being used as the dance floor and it happened. "It" is perhaps not what I would call love at first sight, but as I looked into the crowd undulating to the beat my eyes met those belonging to a beautiful woman. Yeah I know, it sounds cliché, across the room our eyes met, but that's how it happened. You could see the sparks. I interrupted my friend mid-sentence, patted him on the shoulder and said, "Hold that though, I gotta do something." I walked past him onto the dance floor and up to this wonderful woman.
"Hi, can I buy you a drink?" I mustered as much suave as possible.
"Well, the drinks here are free, but I appreciate the thought."
So much for the suave, "Oh right, well, saves me money I guess. My name is Evan."
"I'm Jennifer." She said with a smile that could melt even the coldest heart.
It's at this point where if my life was a movie the camera would pan out and the noise of the party would gradually be replaced by "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles because now I know "it's all right".
"Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right"
User Reviews
Submitted by Casey_Jones (user info) at 2004-05-03 20:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
jesus christ.... I mean, I'm glad you finally stopped wallowing in self-pity and all, but damn.. why write a post about it? Not exactly an uncommon problem... I give you credit for the idea of incorporating songs into the story that way, though.. Still didn't like the post. Sorry.
Submitted by TankGirl (user info) at 2004-05-03 17:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait a minute, you already warned everyone in the title that it would be long, and we bitch nonetheless.
Submitted by TankGirl (user info) at 2004-05-03 17:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a good story. A little long for a single post, but good. +2 for disconnect the dots if nothing else.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-03 17:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Long.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-03 17:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It went on too long, but this wasn't bad. More judicious editing may have got you a +2.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-03 17:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Too long.