Why family camping trips were created by Satan (965 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <masterofinsanity0.at.lycos.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-03 23:51:04 EDT
This is my first post, and it's relatively long, but it is pretty funny I guess. Check it out.
I was dragged out to Maryland to go camping with my family. I'd like to state, first and foremost, I hate my family. They're all a bunch of idiots who feel as if they're some sort of higher being because they come from a remotely similar gene pool as the one I do. Anyway, my uncle just bought a new boat (can you sense the yuppy vibe yet?) and my family members insisted I went on it. Deciding that they'd never shut the hell up if I didn't go on his boat, I hopped on, which is about the time they decided to make me have fun and stick me on a tube strapped to the boat. As I'm getting on, I see my uncle go for another beer. It was 2:00 in the afternoon, so I guess it was time he started, but it made me slightly uneasy.
I'd always thought I wasn't very intuitive, but the "This is a bad idea" feeling I had that day was almost clairvoyant. I hopped on and my uncle said there wasn't enough room, so I should get on the tube. Sick bastard. Billy (my older brother who could easily pass as my twin) hopped on too. As a great comedian said before me, "He's crazy. And not in a good way. He's crazy in the 'Oh no he's hanging out we're going to jail.' kind of crazy." This wasn't enough for my elder brother, oh no - not by a long shot. He decides to hop on the tube with me. Now, when I say with me, I don't mean next to me or behind me. Right on top of me. I always did question his sexuality.
I figure I'll mention now who was on the boat for future reference: my 5, 7, and 9 year old nephews, my aunt, my uncle, and Billy, who himself had been drinking since about 7:00AM in the car ride up three days ago and had only put a drink down to pick up a new one. Now that I've said that, allow me to move on with my story. They started the boat up and we were moving at about 45 mph, which I thought was pretty cool, minus the fact that I wasn't drunk, everyone else was, and my half-naked brother was on top of me.
Remember how I said my brother was crazy in a bad way? I saw a look dawn upon his face, and at that moment, I knew Hell was heating up a few more degrees for me. He decided to let go of the handles and started straddling me porn star style and spanking my ass. HARD. Now, I usually enjoy a good spanking, but once again I wasn't drunk and my brother was doing the spanking. For about 5-10 minutes of hardcore porn hydro-spanking I was screaming at my brother and trying to attack him, and then the unthinkable happened. I had forgotten the only person holding both of us onto the tube was me, and I started to lose my grip Before I could even utter the words "Hey seriously, stop it dickhead I'm losing my grip" to Billy, my swimsuit went flying off and was about 1/4 a mile down the river. Fucking lovely. Billy, seeing this now, thought it was hilarious and started spanking my ass even harder.
People in boats, jetski's, canoes, and various other watercraft were now completely stopping and doing cartoon'ish double takes. I withstood the most homoerotic, hardcore spanking of my life for maybe another minute before I lost my entire grip on the tube. Now, let me remind you once more, I was the only one holding both myself and Billy on. At about this same time, we hit a wake from the engine...and we went fucking flying in the air. His head collided with my nose at an easy 45 mph, causing a huge explosion of blood, my head hit his bippy, causing him to cry in pain. It was worse than anything I had ever seen. The scene was unmatched even by every scene in Dawn of the Dead combined. It was not yet over though, as the final, most horrible blow of my life cracked me with the force of a million Janet Renos. For a moment, I was not sure where I was, how I had gotten there. There was only the prismatic blur of the seconds before and after unconsciousness.
Apparently, I had not slowed down enough from the other impacts, and my balls hit the water at around the same speed we were going when hell was unleashed on a small lake in Maryland. I was pretty dazed and it took a good deal of effort getting back on the boat after they had come around to figure out what had happened. When my bro finally pulled me back in, my entire face and upper torso were pretty much coated in my blood (I later realized this was not only due to the destruction of my nose, but a nasty gash underneath my chin). Now, all the children on the boat were either very amazed or very frightened by this sight, but they all pretty much covered their eyes and I believe the littlest one let out a small giggle. Bastard. I'm going to remember that 13 years from now.
This was bad enough (being naked and bleeding on a boat) but then everything just got worse. We ran out of gas. The gas station for the boat was about 1/2 mile down the river, so my uncle said "Will all clothed and able men please get off the boat to help me tow it" (I think he was trashed by this point). They hopped outta the boat, tied themselves to it, and swam a good 1/4 mile before we realized we had paddles. Jackasses. We got to the gas station, gassed up, and I realized I had yet another problem in my epic journey - the campsite, and my clothing were yet another 1/2 mile or so away on land from where we were.
I knew what I had to do. I jumped out of that boat and ran. I ran faster than I think I ever did. I was like an ancient Olympian -bareassed, bleeding, and exhilarated. A short few (but what felt like a million) minutes later, I was back at the campsite, clothed, blood still trickling slowly, and with a new nickname from my family, Skinny. Altogether though, I guess the trip wasn't bad. Before that day, I couldn't have horrified about 200 people with my microscopic penis and bleeding body, even on a good day. That was my trip in Maryland. Fucking wonderful.
User Reviews
Submitted by pokergirl33 (user info) at 2004-05-21 19:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilariousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
Submitted by ALINA (user info) at 2004-05-21 18:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great! + 2 just for "For about 5-10 minutes of hardcore porn hydro-spanking I was screaming at my brother and trying to attack him, and then the unthinkable happened"
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-05-21 18:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, yeah I can imagine those two sentences must have wasted the better half of your day, Meh.
Submitted by Meh at 2004-05-20 13:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"This is my first post"
That's exactly how far I got. Thanks for informing me it was your first post. Enjoy your first -2, asshole. Just fucking post it.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-20 13:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-05 22:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only 4 reviews so far? This is one of the best things i've read today.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-04 10:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The true stories are always the best. Good one.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-04 05:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Factual error has allowed todays leaders do far more unspeakable things. Don't let it get you down. Excellent story!
Indeed.
Submitted by Socially_Distorted (user info) at 2004-05-04 04:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Storms love camp outs. storm clouds will travel miles against strong winds just to rain on a tent
-based on personal experience
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-05-03 23:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just realized I stated why I was on the boat twice, and for two different reasons. Don't question the validity of the story, and I'd fix it if I knew how, but hey - it's 11:54PM here and I'm pretty damn tired. Sorry about the slip, I'm not the best story-teller.