"You sound nice" (857 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by cat_head (View user info) at 2004-05-04 12:34:28 EDT
I'm currently working in a large office where there are lots of people on the phone all day. A minute ago I heard this guy chatting with a caller, and I heard him utter the words "You sound nice", and he then proceeded to take the person's private phone number to arrange a date. I had to stifle a knowing laugh as it reminded me of something. Here's what happened.
I was working as a temporary credit controller which basically means phoning up companies who owe money to your company and trying to get them to pay it. It's very monotonous as the accounts people usually just say "A cheque's on its way", even though it probably isn't, and all you can do is say thanks and hang up. Most of the people I spoke to were women, and I got into the habit of dishing out some pretty heavy telephone flirting. I'm a pretty good talker and I would put on my sexiest drawl as I enquired about the balance of the June invoices.
You know how you get a mental image of a stranger on the end of the line? There were the Dorothys and the Hildas, with haggish old voices that conjured up images of fat old harpies blobbing over the sides of their seats in a dingy office that smells of crackers and cheese. Then there were the Julias, the Sams and the Fionas, pictured as nubile young sex kittens - classy yet also a bit tarty, keen to get out of their power suits asap and get down to some serious balling.
One afternoon I ended up talking to a girl called Pippa, a name which for some reason seemed to imply extreme hotness. She had a husky, public school voice and she sounded very alluring. My confidence buoyed by a couple of cans of Special Brew at lunchtime, I oiled the words "You sound nice" into the receiver. We hit it off and ended up arranging to meet that very night. Both our companies were in London so we picked a bar somewhere between the two, set a time of 6pm and flirtily said goodbye. I washed my bell-end in the toilets and headed for the tube.
I arrived at the agreed meeting place about five minutes early so I wolfed down a can of Brew in a shop doorway then went into the pub and had a couple of drinks at the bar. I purchased a pint of lager and went and sat down at a table at the back of the pub, but with a good view of the door. "This is gonna be great!" I thought as I sat there and tried to keep it together, the drinks and my nervousness combining to give me a hyper, panicky sort of excitement. I was having a little difficulty seeing clearly but eventually managed to focus on the door and await my date.
I figured that there wouldn't be too many single girls coming in, so as soon as I saw one I would assume it was Pippa and suavely saunter over and hit her with my charm offensive. Time passed and people came in, but still no Pippa. There were a few groups of lads, some middle aged couples, and a pair of fat and extremely ugly women. "Still, she's only 10 minutes late", I thought as I went to the bar and knocked back another couple of shorts and got myself another pint. I also had a little bottle of whiskey in my bag that I surreptitiously sipped. I had taken a couple of valium to take the edge off the little bit of speed I had consumed during a slow afternoon, and I could feel them beginning to kick in, combining nicely with the drink to give a pretty interesting feeling. Someone asked if they could have the chair that I had been saving for Pippa and I gestured that it was taken. Well, that's what I tried to do. I actually ended up falling onto the table and wiping out my drink. I got a load of ash on me too, but I didn't feel like it was that important. The guy took the chair and I thought that I hoped Pippa wouldn't mind standing when she got here. There was no way I could.
This was a bit of a problem. I needed another drink but couldn't get to the bar as my lack of standing up ability effectively stranded me in my seat. I still had some cans of Special Brew in my bag though, so I cracked one open and gulped down enough of it to allow me to pour a decent amount of whiskey into it. When someone suggested that I wasn't allowed to consume it in there, I calmly replied with a "eeeee-aaaaaaarggggghhhh-MMMEEEERRRRRR!!!!" which meant that I had some drink that I had bought there only it was on the floor so I was allowed. I don't think they understood though.
A bit later on I came to in a dark alley with one of the fat ugly women from the bar. In amongst rotting rubbish and boxes I was fumbling around trying to get my fingers inside her and telling her that she was great even though she was dirty well especially because she was dirty and I tried to fuck her but I was all cut and hurt and she being the star she was tried to suck me but I needed to get away to be clean to be well again I dropped my wallet as I extricated my limbs from between her fat sweaty scuzzbody and pulled my fingers out of her sopping stinking cunt and ran.
What a night!
The next day at work I called Pippa's company and I was about to ask her what happened to her yesterday. I had pretty bad memory loss from a lot of the evening, but I was sure she hadn't turned up. Before I could ask her though, she said: "Hey babe, cheers for last night. I've got your wallet".
User Reviews
Submitted by njdk (user info) at 2004-05-04 22:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you totally said bell-end
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-05-04 22:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed....I cried...I +2'd
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-04 18:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the definition of a +2
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-04 17:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blech.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pippa? A sexy name? What were you thinking???
Good post, I laughed.
Submitted by samson (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So did you get your wallet back ;p?
Submitted by Can't Login <choad.at.uni.com> at 2004-05-04 14:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap, what the fuck just happened?
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
once i got hooked up on a blind date by a "friend" and the girl's voice was so sexy i almost nutted on the reciever. then i met her and she was the fattest nastiest bitch i'd ever seen. i wanted to put my eyes in a blender to rid the retinal damage this bitch had caused.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
omg thats fucking gross but i laughed anyways +2 for running
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yes, and Special Brew? Are you sure that you didn't fabricate the job part?
Submitted by kthrn888 (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you very much for sharing! i really enjoyed reading it.
much more than anything else usually on this sight.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh
Submitted by Lacksmotivation (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God Damn man!
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it, I swear I picked +2 the first time.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The directory for the company I work for has pictures for each person. It's amazing how often the chicks with awesome voices turn out ugly, and vice versa.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cracked up... and then cracked up some more.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A bit later on I came to in a dark alley with one of the fat ugly women from the bar. In amongst rotting rubbish and boxes I was fumbling around trying to get my fingers inside her and telling her that she was great even though she was dirty well especially because she was dirty and I tried to fuck her but I was all cut and hurt and she being the star she was tried to suck me but I needed to get away to be clean to be well again I dropped my wallet as I extricated my limbs from between her fat sweaty scuzzbody and pulled my fingers out of her sopping stinking cunt and ran."
THAT part was pure gold.
Submitted by psyduck (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn
Submitted by noodles <Joshbe.at.cs.com> at 2004-05-04 12:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, your liver's gonna explode...
Submitted by space_cowboy (user info) at 2004-05-04 12:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my God...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-05-04 12:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this... although I have no idea what "I washed my bell-end in the toilets and headed for the tube." means.
bell-end= penis?
tube= bar?
Silly Brits.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-04 12:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this
I calmly replied with a "eeeee-aaaaaaarggggghhhh-MMMEEEERRRRRR!!!!" which meant that I had some drink that I had bought there only it was on the floor so I was allowed. I don't think they understood though.
That was a royally fucked up story. Why would you think a chick named Pippa would be hot?