Adventures in Developing Software for a Gay Bathhouse (Part 2 of 2) (3019 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.75 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-05-04 13:03:35 EDT
Continued from http://www.ubersite.com/m/31037
This is part II in a two part series where I recount various adventures (100% true by the way) I had as I developed custom software for a gay bathhouse.
The rest of the software development for the bathhouse computer system went off without any more hitches. The infamous 'Black-tape Gerbil Incident' was forgiven and forgotten (read part I if you are curious about it). It finally became time to import in the live membership data from the old gay bathhouse software 1.0 into the swanky 2.0 version which I had developed.
As I was doing the import of the membership data I couldn't help but read some of it. Some of the data was absolutely fascinating. Keep in mind that a man jamming his penis into other men's anus is the raison d'etre of a gay bathhouse. This is standard, accepted behavior in such a place. Here is the interesting part though: you can get banned from a bathhouse. There are certain acts that are taboo, that you can get your membership revoked and get you kicked out. Screwing the hell out of the asshole of another man happens to just not be one of those things .
Any ways, I did a query on the database to check out the list of members who were banned from the boathouse - for curiosity sake only. I was pleased to find that there was a little general notes field where the cashiers at the bathhouse could type in their reasons for why that certain individual was banned.
It made for some very funny and very disturbing reading.
Here are some examples of the comments of why the gay men were banned from the bathhouse (copied and pasted from my private copy and altered to protect the names of those involved):
- BANNED!!! room was a pigsty. towels and shitty used condoms everywhere. second warning for this jerk.
- found crack pipe in garbage can...was rude and threatening to other members....we should ban this guy
- This queen came in drunk and high. Got belligerent when we wouldnt let him in. Had to call police to get rid of him. Threatened to come back and kill us all. Recommend we ban his ass.
- Kept making unwanted advances towards members. Warned several times. Ugly little shit. Banned.
And then I came across this lovely little gem:
- Room was a fucking nuclear disaster!!!! There was blood and feces spread everywhere!!! On the wall, ceiling, bed...Does this freak not know how to use a fucking toilet??? It was the grossest thing I have ever seen!! It took the boys 2 hours to clean it up. This freak is a real piece of work. Who knows where the blood came from. BANNED!!! BANNED!!! BANNED!!! .... FOREVER!!! ARRRHHHHHH!!!
Holy moley! This twisted sucker had hot-carled the entire place! If there was such a thing as an offense to get one banned from a gay bathhouse, this would qualify. Then I checked out the name of this fecal-fetished miscreant. I couldn't believe my eyes: the name matched perfectly with one of our other clients; the general manager of a high profiled English as a second language school. Even though it was a rare name, I couldn't be 100 percent sure if it was the same guy yet.
I asked my boss, "Do you know what ******* *******'s middle initial is?"
He answered, "Yeah. He always signs the checks with an H. Why?"
"Holy crap, you'd better check this out then."
I showed him the database record of the banned poop-warrior. My bosses eyes opened wide as he read the comment entered by the cashier. Then he read the member's name and instantly understood why I had asked about the middle initial.
Suddenly my boss started laughing like I had never seen him laugh before. He was turning red, with tears streaming down his face. He was beating his leg with his fist, and then he fell to the floor, gasping like a beached fish.
You see, this other client of ours was a real jerk. My boss was is a very personable guy who likes most people, but he and this manger at the language school just did not get along. This particular client would always weasel his way out of paying bills, and if he did pay the it was always begrudging and late. He wanted extra features in his software for no money, and was just generally a very disagreeable man.
To find out that this guy he truly disliked was a messed up shit-fetished deviant was hilarious to my boss and it made his month. To me, it was more just kind of gross, but still pretty amusing.
The next time we had a meeting with that client my boss and I of course made subtle hints that we knew about this guy's feces filled double life.
My Boss: "Cough * Cough * Sick Freak * Cough"
Me: "Cough * Cough * Poop Fetish * Cough"
He looked at us kind of funny, but he was a lot less of an asshole after that for some reason.
Later, I did countless queries in the database to see if there was anyone else I knew who had surreptitiously visited the bathhouse. Family, friends - enemies especially. Sadly there was no one I knew personally, but I did find two celebrities. One was a fairly famous writer who is openly gay. He was my brother's favorite author, so of course I took a screen shot of his membership history and gave it to him so he could perhaps get it autographed one day.
The other celebrity is a very famous singer in a big band who just about everyone on this site would know. I took a screen shot of that and kept it too. It is a very cool souvenir from a very cool project that will stand out in my memory for many years to come..
User Reviews
Submitted by Leggs (user info) at 2005-01-09 14:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its nice to see that you can write an honest piece like this and not get it banned or edited out like www.squirt.org does to the comments of customers reviews of places like this Vancouver bathhouse that you mentioned. The guy that runs squirt.org is old pals with the owners of this bathhouse that you wrote about, so he never lets anything negative be said about them.
You should see how the owners of this boring bathhouse use the database to their advantage. It doesn't make for a very safe situation for the customers who hand over their personal information to them and then pay them on top of it all.
You have done a very good job for your clients, you are not to blame, its just sad and scary how these coked up queens use the database to their own advantage outside of being a customer to their bathhouse.
Submitted by Leggs (user info) at 2004-10-01 04:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I know who that famous writer is as well. He is a writer for our e'x'cellent generation. Spends 37 minutes inside the bathhouse every time he shows up, has bad back acne and a pear shape body. But a super nice, sweet guy. Too bad he has to spend his money at this methhouse.
Most of the real celebrities though never frequent the place because of the membership base. Actually you did a great job in developing the software, just that the bathhouse suffers overall as no one really wants all their private information in the hands of the owners of that place, its their own greedy fault really.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another +2 for this!
- Room was a fucking nuclear disaster!!!! There was blood and feces spread everywhere!!! On the wall, ceiling, bed...Does this freak not know how to use a fucking toilet??? It was the grossest thing I have ever seen!! It took the boys 2 hours to clean it up. This freak is a real piece of work. Who knows where the blood came from. BANNED!!! BANNED!!! BANNED!!! .... FOREVER!!! ARRRHHHHHH!!!
Holy moley! This twisted sucker had hot-carled the entire place!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me guess. Maynard James Keennan?
"Here is the interesting part though: you can get banned from a bathhouse. There are certain acts that are taboo, that you can get your membership revoked and get you kicked out. Screwing the hell out of the asshole of another man happens to just not be one of those things . "
Golden!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok so i went back to read part 1 first of course and laughed my ass off and part
2 was awesome as well the only problem i am eating lunch and got a little bit of a
lurch in my tummy at the mention of bloody shit. other than very funny stuff.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool - not quite as good as part 1, but funny nonetheless.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I really really want to know who the celebrity was.
I liked these stories.