Nicotine Patches, Golf Balls, and Backhanding my Boyfriend (1816 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix <volklcess.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-04 13:29:47 EDT
Since I started slapping on those damn nicotine patches to help rid me of my filthy habit, I've been having dreams so realistic they give new meaning to "waking up in a cold sweat." I wake up with my heart pounding, take in my surroundings, and think to myself, where am I?
The back of the box of my patches says that if "vivid dreams" occur the patch may be removed before going to sleep, but I've found the decision to sleep with the patch or not to is a tough one. I don't much enjoy the dreams, but as I go to rip the patch off before bed, I find myself hesitating, wondering what my dream will be about tonight if I decide not to take the patch off. It's like tripping on strong hallucinogens. You never know what you're going to see. My hand hovers reluctantly over my patch, and I give in to curiosity, mumbling a nearly inaudible, "Fuck it" under my breath, leaving the patch stuck to the skin next to my shoulder blade.
Spring has officially made its pollen-filled entrance into Reno; the weather is hot enough to be slightly bothersome, but not yet hot enough to blast the AC in our house. As a substitute we open the sliding door to the patio off our bedroom all the way and decide to sleep with our heads at the foot of the bed to take full advantage of the cool night air flowing through the screen. I don't even think about how waking up with my head where my feet should be could further the disorientation I feel when I wake up from one of these "patch dreams."
Before I know it I find myself standing in the middle of a field, surrounded all around by golf balls. Apparently this "field" is a driving range. I don't even really enjoy golf; I might go drive a few balls at one of the casino's driving ranges when I'm high because, I dunno, I'm stoned and I get a kick out of it, but under normal circumstances one would not find me associating myself with anything golf. And yet here I am, standing in the middle of a driving range, grinding the little white golf balls into the ground with my heel like they're divots.
All around me are people I knew at one point in my life - people whom I haven't talked to in years, people with such insignificant roles in my life I'd never find myself wondering what so-and-so was up to now-a-days: a coworker from an old summer job who got fired after the first week, a girl from high school who always waved to me in the hallway whose name I couldn't even remember, the man who owned the deli in my old hometown who knew my parents and asked me how they were every time I'd bought a sandwich. I was surrounded by acquaintances, all of us grinding golf balls into the lush grass with our heels.
Worst of all, everything was achingly realistic, a dream so real that if I were to lick the wall the shnozberries would taste like shnozberries. Normally in a dream everything's kind of fuzzy, everyone's detached. But this was the DVD of dreams: a sharp clear picture, high quality sound. The sweet smell of grass wafted through the air and enticed my nostrils. I could feel the hard awkward lump of the golf ball through my shoe as I grinded it. Grind grind grind. I could feel the breeze flowing through my hair, feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. This is no normal dream. It's a Patch Dream.
Of course, as I'm grinding golf balls into the ground surrounded by vaguely familiar faces, I have no idea that I'm dreaming. I don't question why in the world I'm grinding golf balls into the ground or what I'm trying to accomplish with this strange act because my subconscious tells me not to. My subconscious knows I'm dreaming, but it won't let me know that. The joke's on me.
Suddenly I'm in a bed. Disorientation and confusion set in. This is the worst part of the Patch Dream - waking up and wondering where the hell I am and moreover, how I got there. For God's sake, I was just at a driving range grinding golf balls! Perhaps I wouldn't have been so terribly confused if my head hadn't been at the foot of the bed, but I find myself in somewhat of a panic for not only am I no longer in a green field surrounding by golf balls and the acquaintances who were grinding them, but I'm lying in a bed. And I'm not alone. Whoever it is laying next to me is snoring softly, and he's sleep-caressing my breast.
I've shared a bed with my boyfriend for a year now. More often than not the times I'd wake up in a frenzy would be when I woke up alone. But none of this has registered yet. As far as I know I'm in an unfamiliar bed and someone next to me, conscious or not, is basically molesting me.
I hold my breath, careful not to make any sudden movements. I think to myself, what would Jesus do? Ever so slowly I lift my hand and then slam the back of it into the face of my harasser. It wasn't a very powerful blow - a half-assed little slap at best since it had to come from under the arm that was attached to the hand holding my breast - but it was enough to disturb the slumber of my boyfriend up and have him mumble, "What the fuck, Erika?" Oops. I don't even think my backhanding was powerful enough to fully jar him awake 'cause he made a couple "mmph" noises, rolled over, and was snoring again.
I, in turn, close my eyes and it's not long before I'm cruising down the street, hair flying out behind me as I zoom at breathtaking speeds along the asphalt aboard my red speed bike. If the Patch Dreams can do this to me, I wonder what'll happen when I have a Patch Nightmare?
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-12-19 22:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-06-06 12:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
0 for being a reformed smoker
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-06 12:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great. I enjoyed reading it.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-06-06 12:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-06-06 12:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hey phoenix, remember that time I got you wasted with coedine and vodka and then had my way with you when you were passed out? that ruled man........sorry i didnt know it was your first time.......and I puked on you when I came........
Submitted by mizuchoudai (user info) at 2004-05-20 16:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to start smoking so I can quit and use the Patch.
You should try doing an ad campaign for them...
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This almost makes me want to start smoking so I can quit using the patch.. I'll just keep on with the acid I think though.
Submitted by Great_Teacher_Largo (user info) at 2004-05-06 22:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. Indeed brilliant. I tried to quit smoking for awhile, but I realized that trying to quit would kill me faster then the cigarettes.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-05-06 22:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this. Not entirely sure why, but I did.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-05-06 17:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the discussion here of subconscious memories. We know so much more than we are aware we do.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-04 22:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How about picking A title.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-04 20:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Despite my buffness, I would wager that Kristen and Erika would be hotter.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-04 20:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-05-04 18:39:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
ohhh Jell-O wrestling between Zod and Scott_James. hmm.
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That's hot.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-05-04 19:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
As far as I know I'm in an unfamiliar bed and someone next to me, conscious or not, is basically molesting me.
----
isnt that all relationships after a year ? patches or not
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-04 18:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have mad skillz. Go home Zodboy, while you still can. :-)
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-05-04 18:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ohhh Jell-O wrestling between Zod and Scott_James. hmm.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-05-04 18:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are so many claims to people in this place that the next Ubercon is going to be an orgy of sexual depravity.
***
So you're challenging me to Jell-O wresting, huh? Well bring it!
Submitted by SuperSwank (user info) at 2004-05-04 17:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-04 17:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-05-04 17:10:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you, Scott. Back off my womenz!"
There are so many claims to people in this place that the next Ubercon is going to be an orgy of sexual depravity.
Bring it on.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-05-04 17:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
go patch dreams. i rarely remember any of mine.
i hate to make the comment, but i miss the old boob-caressing while I'm "asleep"...
memories...
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-05-04 17:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you, Scott. Back off my womenz!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-05-04 16:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-04 16:01:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
You can slap me around anytime, baby.
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You promise? ... What?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-04 16:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you love me really, Kristen.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-04 16:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disregard what Scott_James said, he's a tool.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-04 16:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interestingly, the patches in the UK carry NO warning concerning the vivid dreams. They do mention "sleep deprevation" and "insomnia", but the side effects described are main physiological. I had to look up the vivid dreams on the web just to make sure I wasn't going insane.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-04 16:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All that talk about boob caressing, and you tease us with a pic of a golf ball?
C'mon!!!
post b-b-b-boobies please.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-04 16:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can slap me around anytime, baby.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, never heard of that before. Are nicotine patches the new drug craze? If they are, I'm gonna start dealing.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love those patch induced dreams.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hah
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take some ginseng before bedtime.
Wait. No, don't.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Look, I can't help it if I like your breasts. You didn't have to hit me.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want one of them patches. Its like insta-shrooms.
+2 for the midnight boobie fondle. I do that as well.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-04 13:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those patches work goddamned well, it's staying stopped that seems to be my problem... with everything.