A poem, at risk of bringing my ratings crashing down. (782 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.04 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by conrad <ball0395.at.rogers.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-04 14:24:10 EDT
Here the City ceased its mowing.
The path left to narrow, newly
righteous. We did not know, and so
wore shorts. Repatriated weeds
keep silences discrete. You wade
beyond of me, always, parting. Your echo
waking a backsnap of stinging
grasses across my knees. Beading
up strings of blood, sweat, pale as watered
claret. Gnats drunk from the punch
of it. Uncommon numbers of
bugs unsettling. We cannot speak
for it, the sound of their homing.
Compass what we've come through - smack
in the map's asterisk, to this
wishing fountain; and a lone rose
at half-blast, its bush clipped back.
User Reviews
Submitted by slyphter (user info) at 2004-07-15 04:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
last stanza was great... i wasnt fond of the rest.
Submitted by Theory_Eyed (user info) at 2004-07-15 04:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-06-23 13:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was really, really afraid to click this, since most poetry I've seen on this site made me want to sandblast my eyes.
But this was actually good.
+2
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-23 13:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by aliasjxc (user info) at 2004-06-23 13:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not much for modern poetry style, but I did like your imagery.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-23 13:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How can I love this, link to it on someone's post as an example of good poetry, and never have rated it? My bad...
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-06-23 12:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass.
This deserves such a higher rating than it has.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-05-23 17:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Love the content, hate the structure. The first three stanzas hooked me in and then you tailed off.
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-05-23 17:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well structured and nicely chosen language, but strangely uninspiring. Have a +1 for effort.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-23 16:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-05-04 22:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
god dammit just no
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For RP: http://www.ubersite.com/m/32161#514500
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could see it as I read it. I liked it very much.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"A man's got to stick to his principles." Haha
Submitted by RagnarokPrime (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The rhyme is good. Choice of topic...chopy.
A little refinement and it could be a +2
And reallybored, I have yet to see you give someone a good score.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A mans got to stick to his principals.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-04 15:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the comments. Iddq, the title is 'Featuring New and Improved Meadowlands'. It's good to get some feedback other than "I hate poetry" or "No comment", as it's far more difficult to be critical of one's own poetry than prose. It's much more personal.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
didn't hook me
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've got nothing to fear. This is good stuff.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
line 6 needs work. "beyond of me" doesnt make sense - the only reason i can see for the 'of' to be there is for metre, and that doest seem the case, cos the line has 5 and a half feet, unless youre using some fucked-up other type of metre and not iambic. plus the commas on either side of 'always' give a disruptive feel to the word 'parting'. maybe im wrong with that, but i think you should leave out the second comma.
id like to see the title for this, as titles are generally very important, usually moreso for poetry than for prose.
all-in-all probably one fo the best, if not the best poem ive seen on uber, and worthy of a +2, but the poem still needs some work. keep working on your poetry, you have a gift for expressing yourself with it.
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poetry gets bad ratings because it has a different meaning to everyone.
You obviously meant something while writing it. It obviously makes me picture spring. But to someone else it may mean something different altogether.
That's the point.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something
stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
-- Homer Simpson
Mr. Plow
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hehehehehehehe
you said "bush clipped back."
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-04 14:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry about your ratings crashing down. I've got it down to a science. Check out the post before this one.