The Time I Said "No thanks, I'll jack off instead." (1549 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.42 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2004-05-05 10:01:41 EDT
So Ive been checking out this grade-A "gentleman's club" recently on a pretty frequent basis. They even know who we are when we walk in the door. You know, kinda like in that shithole of a movie "Dude, Where's My Car?"...
"Hey, look everybody...its Jesse and Chester!"
Now, aside from spending way too much money, this place is heaven and I could die there. And Summer has become my favorite and she knows it. Blonde, 19, VERY perky B's, clit ring, most toned stomach youve ever seen...dammit shes good. Nothing like having one of the hottest lady-friends you've ever seen sitting on your lap for oh, about 7 hours.
Problem is, this last visit, she started doing things that would make Michael Jackson give up the boy dick. Humming on the crotch of my pants...rubbing my satchel with her hand and telling me she wants me to get a hard-on...and what's the one thing that seems infathomable when you're throwing dollars at a strip joint? She, without any sorry attempt of coaxing from me, dialed her number into my phone and saved it there. I thought she was playing GOD DAMN SNAKE!
"You should call me sometime." turned into "You better call me." turned into "You better call me tomorrow." Sounds good and all, but I technically have a girlfriend and I'd like to try really hard to keep her and be good to her. Damn me.
Well, curiosity got the best of me and I called the number, just to see if it was legit. She answered, we talked for a couple, and that was it. After some thought I decided that it would be better to just delete the number and never call again, saving myself the trouble of temptation. But she started calling ME now. Its a tease of monumental proportions. Im on all-fours, and Jesus, Buddha, and Allah are running a train on my ass.
So what would you cats do? I need some encouragement so I dont run back to Cincinnati and give this girl a dirty sanchez. Or a "WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT -2" will do. Fuckers.
User Reviews
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-05-05 20:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sad. Loren is right. Wait until you have real problems to start btiching about having to make decisions.
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-05-05 16:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Strippers are nasty no matter how hot they are. You're a big fucking loser spending all your green at a strip club when you could have been spending it on some nice fucking clothes and some dance lessons. Then, get your ass to a bar/dance club, find a real woman, buy her a couple drinks, take her home, fuck her. Repeat until you're satisfied. Instead, you spent all your money and you still haven't been fucked. You're almost there dude!... Yeah right, $100 says you never fuck that stripper and you drop another $500 on her at the strip club.
There was this thing we used to go out and get all the time... what was it... oh yeah, pussy.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-05 16:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck her brains out....
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2004-05-05 16:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
0 because you aren't going to bang this chick. If you post later that you banged her stupid style I'll +2 that one.
If you can get away to a strip club that is far from where you live and then spend 7 hours there, you should be able to pull off banging this chick and your g/f never finding out.
My advice is strap on a jimmy hat and do it.
Submitted by Jimmeh <phoney.at.emailadress.com> at 2004-05-05 13:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck her brains out, then send your girlfriend photos. then fuck her again.
Submitted by Jeriko2k3 (user info) at 2004-05-05 13:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1st does your girlfriend know you go to a stip club, if the answer is no or she gets pissed off about you going to one. You shouldn't mess with the stripper.
Next ask yourself how good is my relationship?
Now ask yourself how many guys does this stripper give her number out to.
Of course you could just be a stud.
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-05-05 13:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-- Number ONE - I'm no "lady" - I'm a woman.
-- If you explain away the fact that a woman has strong opinions with "she must be menstruating" - then you're an even bigger idiot (and child) than I had originally concluded.
Well, lets see. You could be right. Maybe youre not menstruating. Maybe you just whine and bitch about your shitty life all the time.
"Oh dear, I have to pay bills and drive in traffic and go to work and boo fuckin waa."
Work is easy, paying bills is easy, driving to work is easy and boring. BANGING STRIPPERS IS THE ONLY DILEMMA I CARE ABOUT.
Its unfortunate that youre not attractive enough to be a stripper...you might get something from me other than a really good Sam Kinison impression.
Moron.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-05-05 13:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn loren, some one is snappy today. BTW there's nothing wrong with the so-called "frat-boy" mentality, until you're like 27ish and have a full time career and it's time to mature and shit. up until that time, it's party time! as for this post. don't do it dude, strippers are ho's, you don't want to lose a good girl for a chick that probabaly has airbone STD's because she's such a ho. Interesting dilema. although you could just let her blow you, it's not cheating if youre in another zip code.
-BongZilla
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-05 13:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"nah Im not in ohio, I live in kentucky. "
--That alone speaks volumes. Question: Do you have a dental plan?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"haha -- damn lady, you MUST be bleeding from the cooter this week. "
-- Number ONE - I'm no "lady" - I'm a woman.
-- If you explain away the fact that a woman has strong opinions with "she must be menstruating" - then you're an even bigger idiot (and child) than I had originally concluded.
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Reallybored -- you're a good guy, please, don't you think it's high-time you lose the "frat-boy" mentality?
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-05-05 13:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah I kinda think I lean towards envenom's view also, which is why I deleted the number. Besides, the "fo' sho'" pussy is unbelievably good...holy christ.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-05 13:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I lived out in Vegas for a year.
Here's what'll happen if you go out there:
She'll fuck your brains out. No charge. You'll swear you saw God. You will forget about what's-her-name and become an old man doling out dollars to her and her friends, never to get laid again.
Besides, if you spend all your money tucking dirty dollar bills in some whore's cootch, how will you afford to buy weed?
Envenom's right, the fo' sho' pussy is the way to go.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-05 12:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds good and all, but I technically have a girlfriend and I'd like to try really hard to keep her and be good to her
Good thinking. Never give up your fo'sho pussy for mo' pussy.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think the bigger issues are you driving from Kentucky to Ohio just to go to a strip joint, you going there admittedly "frequently", and you spending 7 hours there. I don't really understand strip joints; you spend all kinds of money on girls who in most cases are never going to do anything but blue ball you when you could spend that money trying to get laid. Now you have invested that time and money and she somehow wants to fuck you and you aren't sure? Weak.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:53:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself.
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Agreed.
Plus think about it like this, even if you do get an STD, the majority of them can be cured with antibotics.
The clap may last two weeks, but a good fuck can last a lifetime.
JUST DO IT!
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if you're girlfriend is open minded you should have a word with her.
never underestimate honesty
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-05 11:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you have to ask that, you better start checking to see if you actually have a pair of balls and a joy stick.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd fuck her.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok i was dating this guy once who decided to ......... "put his pole in the stripper pond"
well i found out and dropped him like a bad habit. luckily for me i found out before i
gave him anymore booty. because i found out later that he got the clap from the dirty
cum guzzling tramp. so i guess what i'm saying is if you do decide to bang this bitch wrap
it up if you give your girl something nasty she might kill you. and do you really think the
pussy will be worth all that?
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nah Im not in ohio, I live in kentucky. Its actually a long drive to this fabled haven of nakedness. But so worth it.
Submitted by Orange-San (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
give hr to me, LOL!
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you in Ohio? If so, what part?
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself.
Submitted by Ymeister19 (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, if i was you id try and talk my g/f into a foray with that bad ass stripper. My sister being a stripper ive been introduced to quite a few and they fuck like they dance and its bad ass. Plus they are usually into other girls and shit too which is way tight, hell she might even let u stick it in her ass.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
See? I liked you, but now I have to give you a -1 because you said this "haha -- damn lady, you MUST be bleeding from the cooter this week." A girl can be bitchy with out the help of Aunt Flow, thank you very much.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Post her number you idiot.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
God... it really comes down to this...
1. do you want a sexual disease such as itchy scrot? (yes I have spelt it scrot, and not scrote or scrotum. Its how we say it here)
Or
2. not.
Now Im not saying that this young girl that takes her clothes off for money would give you itchy nads - In fact Im hoping shes a strong woman that knows how to look after the body that pays her bills... but it could well lead to some serious oozing of puss in your delicate places at a later date when (after you've decided that this is ok to do) you LOSE ALL YOUR MORALS and bang sheep.
Because that IS what will happen. So - you either dump your chick now and run the risk of finding out that the hot girl is in fact a wet cabbage in bed, or you be a nice lad and keep your bits in your pants until you eventually split up with your chick to do the blonde from the strip club at later date.
Either way stay safe. Have fun... and at least she can work your phone.
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Try to put a little effort toward becoming a man instead of a horny piece little puppy who can't keep himself from dry-humping every skank he sees."
haha -- damn lady, you MUST be bleeding from the cooter this week.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "she started doing things that would make Michael Jackson give up the boy dick."
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh such perplexing troubles you have to face in life!!!
Golly, it makes my day-to-day worries pale in comparison.
I mean, making my mortgage payments, paying bills, finishing my huge, deadline-oriented work load on time, fighting NY drivers in traffic day-in and day-out , trying to collect money from freelance jobs in small claims court...
All of this is so trivial compared to your sensational dilemma!!! - Woe is you in this decision making nightmare of whether or not to fuck a dirty teenaged stripper/whore!! I mean HOW CAN YOU HANDLE THE STRESS???
Look, you fucking idiot - you want advice?
1. Keep your dick in your pants. I'm pretty sure there isn't a gun pointed at your head, if you know what I mean.
2. Try to put a little effort toward becoming a man instead of a horny piece little puppy who can't keep himself from dry-humping every skank he sees.
3. WAKE UP! She's only using you for your money because she knows you're a weak little boy like the rest of the desperate losers that frequent strip clubs.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey, strippers need love too!
+1 for being Homsar!
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, Im pretty sure she just wants my wallet too...but basically I'd be ok with banging her raw and letting her have my credit cards
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't be stupid, she wants your money. She sees you as an easy target because you seem to her to be desparate.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she's gonna charge you.
Submitted by stevo (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She probably just want's to fuck you then take all your money when you're sleeping, but if you donkey punch her, she'll be out cold and you can leave with a fat wallet and a smile on your face... You owe it to your penis.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bone her. Don't tell girlfriend.
If you're any less than 25, you're OBLIGED too! As a sign of respect to the guy's who don't get this kind of offer!
You insult THEM by not doing it.
ME.
Submitted by Orange-San (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32244
LMAO LMAO LMAO I RULEZ OVER USESSS PIZNOTCHIEESS