How To Fall Off An Aircraft Carrier in 4 Easy Steps (2619 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Military
Rating: 1.2 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-05-05 10:10:29 EDT
Step 1: Get assigned to the line crew.
If you're relatively new to your squadron, it's likely that you could get assigned here. They are basically Jiffy-lube attendants for aircraft. They go around washing airplanes, greasing them, checking the tires, and other menial shit like that. Oh, and they are also responsible for cleaning up fuel spills. I don't know what fucking dumbass designed the fuel systems on military turbines, but when the engine gets shut down, the unburned fuel in the lines gets shot out the back. You're supposed to catch the fuel in a bucket, but no one ever does that, so you're left with a puddle of fuel on the flight deck.
2. Obtain a 5 gallon bucket of sand.
It's not really sand. It's a sort of kitty-litter type of substance that you use to soak up oil and fuel, to make it easier to sweep up. Unfortunately, it weighs a fucking ton. And you have to carry it up a couple flights of stairs and through a couple of those "kneeknocker" hatches that you always see on Navy ships. So by the time you actually get up to the flight deck, you're tired as hell.
3. Be genetically predisposed to laziness.
Now, if you're lucky, the fuel will be spilled behind the island (that's the big superstructure tower-looking thingy sticking up out of the flight deck). I say lucky because most of the aircraft activity usually takes place in front of the island. If you're unlucky, it will be one of those uncommon times that there will be an F-18 turning its engines pretty close to your location. If you're REALLY unlucky, there will be another aircraft parked directly behind the island, blocking a clear path to the spill, and hanging its ass over the side of the ship. So, being the lazy person that you are, you will try to sneak along the edge of the flight deck and duck under the parked aircraft, rather that risk getting your face fried off by walking in front of it, like you're supposed to.
4. Do NOT properly strap on your flight deck helmet.
See, if you do this, then there's a great chance that while you are trying to inch your way under the ass of the parked plane, you will hit your helmet on it, causing the helmet to slide over your face, obscuring your vision. You may even receive the added bonus of losing your balance and achieving your ultimate objective of falling off the carrier.
So there you have it. Four simple steps to looking like a complete jackass. If you're one of the lucky ones, you'll only fall about 5 feet, straight onto the nets strategically placed around the perimeter of the flight deck to catch your stupid Ricky Retardo ass. The bucket of sand however, will disappear from your sight like the Coyote falling of a cliff after he discovers he can't walk on air trying to catch the Roadrunner.
You could also suffer the added humiliation of the Air Boss (the officer in charge of all flight deck operations) witnessing the entire episode, calling you up to his office, and bitching you out in front of your commanding officer. But really, that's just gravy. Don't get greedy on your first time attempting this maneuver.
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-06-12 21:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take one of the planes with you next time.
Submitted by Jerkface at 2004-06-12 21:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, by the democratic fashion it would be the highest rank first. In most cases I am sure that democrats would like to start with Donald Rumsfeld. Anyhow, I said ship crew, not deck crew, so go play in the highway fucknuts. You get no points, not even honorable mention, for the response that you wrote. It was from an Average Joe.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-12 20:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
3. Wait for the Ships Crew (by order of rank)to beat you for being an idiot
do e-4's and below go first or is it highest rank first
assclown!!!
navy suck's but you get points for being a dumbass. Dumbass people are cool.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-12 20:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo I didn't know you were in the Navy. I'm scheduled to take my MEPS soon... Anyway good post as always and I'd love to talk to you about the Navy.
AIM: DanzigIIII
Submitted by Jerkface <jerkface.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-12 20:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How to shut the hell up in 5 easy steps:
1. Pass out tickets to a free ass-kicking at 0600
2. Nail you face to the flight deck
3. Wait for the Ships Crew (by order of rank)to beat you for being an idiot
4. Realize that you should never write a post for Uber
5. Choke yourself for joining the Navy
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-08 17:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How To Fall Off An Aircraft Carrier In One Easy Step
1. Jump off the boat.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-08 16:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! I missed this first time around.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-05 14:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love everything Jimbo writes.
Jimbo rocks.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-05-05 12:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 because fuck the line shack too!!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-05-05 12:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, that's why I'm so happy I worked with P-3's. Fuck ships!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Does this mean that I can call you seaman?
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-05-05 11:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's official - Jimbo has taken more beatings, falls, arrows, and catapult stones to the groin than any other Uberer.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not one of your better posts.
Im eagering anticipating the Freud Faces post.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I nearly fell off the Portsmouth to Cherbourg ferry. I was drunk and trying to climb into a lifeboat. Not clever. Good post though.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha! You fell off the boat!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Love the Hypnodisc paint job on your AWACS array.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-05-05 10:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
" I don't know what fucking dumbass designed the fuel systems on military turbines, "
I'm glad to know that you think you could do better.