The Customer’s Always Right, My Ass Part IV – The Internal Customer; In Tards We Trust (1427 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.95 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Envenom (View user info) at 2004-05-06 09:48:15 EDT
Most everyone with a job at some point has to deal with what is referred to as the "internal customer." This is a person or department of people within your company whom who may have to assist, someone who refers customers to you or transfers you calls. Basically someone with whom you have direct contact and have some sort of obligation to work with and be courteous to. As most know, the internal customer can quite often be just as big a pain in the ass as the actual customer, particularly if they use you or your department as a dumping ground, passing the buck so to speak. At every company this is something you have to deal with, but my company seems hell bent on finding new and spectacular ways to make both my life and the (actual) customer's life miserable.
Outsourcing is bad, m'kay? For those who are not familiar with outsourcing, this is where a company takes it's core customer base (or in some instances lines of production) and sends them to another company, typically one that is not in any way familiar with your industry, for service or support. In many instances the 3rd party call center that is hired takes calls for multiple other companies, so they spend very little time training their representatives on your business. Motorola I believe outsources their calls to somewhere in Central America, so when you call you get someone who barely speaks English and knows virtually nothing about your problem or how to help you. I can only imagine that this is an attempt to frustrate the shit out of their customers and discourage them from calling altogether. Companies outsource because it is cost effective, but that's because the company taking the calls usually offers low wages and has frequent turnover. I do not understand outsourcing, because the most basic fundamental of business is that it is founded around the customer. Without the customer, you have no business, so why on earth would you want to take your most prized possession and give it to someone else to be shit on?
My company began outsourcing calls almost a year ago, and in the interim it has been an absolute nightmare. Part of my responsibility is to work trouble tickets for malfunctioning pagers and take transfer calls for advanced messaging products, such as the 2-way pagers you see in modern Hip-Hop videos. We do not expect much from the other call center since their training has been minimal, but there are some very basic things they are expected to do before escalating issues to my department. For those who are not familiar with paging, each pager has an identification number called a capcode, which is how we determine which pager is in service. Verifying this as well as coverage is the very least of what they are required to do, and yet they seem to rupture arteries trying to accomplish this simple task. They are also expected to know the difference between an advanced messaging product and a pager made in 1982 (it tells them right on the frickin' screen) as well as decipher where to transfer the call (like most large companies we have multiple call centers, one for each division) based on the coding of the account. My day goes something like this...
Trouble ticket - Pager not receiving
Let's see, looks like you didn't verify the capcode. We sent this customer a new pager a week ago and rather than activate the new pager which he's been carrying for a week now, you did a trouble ticket on the old pager which is sitting in a drawer somewhere. Good job!
Trouble ticket - Pager not receiving
Ok, the pager is not receiving and for a callback number you got - the pager number. Brilliant! How the fuck am I supposed to contact him if the pager's not receiving? Dipshit
Call -
Tard Call Center: Yes, this is Todd, I have a customer for you account number 4443767
Me: This account goes to the Western Call Center.
- Silence -
Me: You reached the SOUTHEASTERN Call Center
-Silence-
Me: Hello?
Tard Call Center: So you can't take the call?
Me: (click)
Trouble ticket -Pager not receiving
Ok, this customer has statewide Florida coverage. He lives in Georgia. Fucknut.
Trouble ticket - Garbled pages
I call the customer. "Yes, there's big black lines across the display. It got cracked when I dropped it. I asked them to send me a replacement but they said they had to escalate it to tech support because it was a programming issue."
How the fuck am I supposed to fix that from here?
Trouble ticket - Comments state "Pager is not working, please fix and notify customer when done."
How the fuck am I supposed to fix it? You didn't even tell me what was wrong with the pager.
Call -
Tard Call Center: This is Todd, king of the tards, I have a customer for you account number 4446783
Me: You called advanced messaging support.
Tard Call Center: Yes.
Me: This is not an advanced messaging product.
Tard Call Center: It's not?
Me: When this pager was made Devo was number one on the charts and America had a facination with wearing pots on their heads.
Tard Call Center: So you can't take the call?
Me: This line is exclusively for advanced messaging products.
Tard Call Center: But my supervisor said...
Me: Look tard, I don't give a shit what your supervisor said, it's it's not an advanced messaging product, don't send it here!
Tard Call Center: My name's Todd.
Me: That's what I said, Tard! (click)
Trouble ticket - Cannot dial pager number
Ok, apparently you've been living under a rock for your entire life and have never seen a television, otherwise you'd know 555-anything is not a legitimate number. Maybe if you tried giving him a real phone number it might work. Tard.
Trouble ticket - Pager not receiving
Ok, didn't verify the capcode again. This guy's carrying his old pager and a new pager, which he doesn't even no exists because the Tard Call Center mailed him a pager to the wrong address and it was returned to sender 3 weeks ago is active in it's place. If tards held an election you would undoubtedly be their leader. Die.
Trouble ticket - pager not receiving
Didn't verify the capcode
Trouble ticket - pager not receiving
Didn't verify the capcode
Trouble ticket - pager not receiving
Didn't verify the capcode. Please remind me to kill myself
Trouble ticket - pager not receiving
Doesn't anyone verify the fucking capcode?????????
Did I mention outsourcing is bad?
Part I http://www.ubersite.com/m/28502
Part II http://www.ubersite.com/m/28595
Part III http://www.ubersite.com/m/28847
User Reviews
Submitted by Captain-Cretin (user info) at 2004-05-13 04:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've worked with those assholes as well.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2004-05-13 04:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know how you feel...
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-07 01:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, I did a really shitty job of proofreading this. Sloppy as hell.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are very good
Submitted by GassyGirl72 (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The equivalent of Laxatives, in this case, was a HUGE compliment. Being the lover of gas that I am, its a great thing.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-05-06 13:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-05-06 13:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe, you owe your paycheck to them...
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The fucked up thing is if these tards didn't create all these unnecessary trouble tickets there would be no reason for my position to exist. That's right, I owe my paycheck to tards. :(
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have not experienced outsourcing per se, but we have production facilites in Vietnam, Phillipines, and Thailand. They suck. They send us motors with loose components rattling around them. Mexico is not much better, but they're improving.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
..and also fucking hilarious.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i know gassygirl... and you, kristen.. are certainly correct..
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What can I say, I have a selective memory. Much as the dipshits I work with apparently have selective comprehension.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-06 11:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiice, Env, completely ignore the part where I call you the equivalent of laxatives.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-06 11:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-06 11:24:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You've been promoted to "author I will look for everyday".
Wow, thanks!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-06 11:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just scream next time Todd calls. Literally. Pick up the phone and scream at the top of your lungs. It will feel good, and if he goes deaf he won't be able to work there anymore.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-06 11:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've been promoted to "author I will look for everyday".
Oh, and this made me snort like a pig:
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Submitted by GassyGirl72 (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:19:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me feel good.
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You made gassygirl feel good, probably something formerly only attributed to farts by someone with such a handle...you are the Über equivalent to laxatives.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-06 11:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"This is Todd, king of the tards."
I work with this guy.
Funny post +2
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think when they coined this phrase they meant to include stupid and leave out right.
Submitted by lush (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately, this is so, so true.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yewsless, yeah, it's unsoundproductions, (or unsoundmusic?) but I'm hardly ever on. Can't install it here at work.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favourite call used to be any twat that had had to change their password the day before and promptly (as they're all directly descended from the common goldfish) forgotten it - these are especially my favourites as they were passwords they got to pick for themselves, and we even suggested they be something "memorable" or "special to them" so they would easily remember it.
When they called I would change their passwords to "plum" and "knob" which were both perfectly items visable on my desk and also quite polite insults that they could then type every time they logged in, and then hopefully be reminded of what brainless knob jockey's they really were.
Hail to all Retard facing call centres. You really do have the hardest jobs.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GassyGirl72 (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me feel good.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post. God, I hate 3rd party/world outsourcing. The fact is, they are all named Tard and they are exact clones of each other. Doesn't matter where you work, if you deal with outsourced Tier I support, you know Tard.
Microsoft seems to be the worst. Their level one IT help up in Redmond, WA is in-house and dumb as a box of rocks. If you can teach them to find the xfer button on their phone, THEN you get the privelege of speaking to their brain trust, Tard 2.0
I have the privelege of being Tiers I and II for my company (telecommunications interconnect). My bosses are too OY VAY to spend money on outsourcing, when they can make their employees do two jobs for one salary...
Dude, you have an AIM SN? >>> yewslus
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA. Awesome.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Heh.
HAHAAAHAHHAHAHAHAAAHAAHAHAHHHAHAAAHAHA man...
Heh.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-06 09:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, not repeatedly, but an occasional slip of the tongue is understandable. :)
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-06 09:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i bet you didn't *really* call todd a tard