Expanding the Boundaries of Science: Sex with Fruit (46638 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.61 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-05-06 11:55:18 EDT
INTRODUCTION
I am a scientist, but lately I had been having trouble coming up with good ideas for experiments. I had kind of a scientist's writer block where I just could not think of anything cool to do. A few nights ago though, a brilliant flash of insight came to me while I was having sex with my girlfriend. I was like Archemedes in the bath tub, or Doc Brown falling of his toilet.
"Eureka!" I shouted as I came. "I am going to have sex with different types of fruit and report the results in a scientific paper!" My girlfriend thought I was crazy, and maybe she was right, but I followed through on my inspiration and carried out my experiment by having sex with many different types of fruit.
Here are the results of my experiment in this paper which I have submitted for peer review in the science journal Nature, and which I am showing to you now, dearest readers of Ubersite.
OBJECTIVE
To experiment and document what it is like to have sex with various fruits by carving penis-sized holes into them, and then having intercourse into the carved hole.
I plan to rate each fruit by the following criterion:
Time to Reach Orgasm: How long did it take me from the time I first inserted my penis into the fruit until I reach orgasm. Presumably, the quicker I achieve orgasm, the more sexually attractive the fruit is.
Sturdiness: How well was the fruit able to withstand the vigorous thrusting of sex, as well as its ability to maintain the integrity of the carved penis hole throughout an entire sexual encounter
Texture: How did the fruit feel on my penis, and how do the fruit juices interact with it.
Final Impressions: This will be more non-empirical, just my general impression of the sexual encounter with that fruit overall.
MATERIALS
- Various fruits large and sturdy enough to withstand vigorous sex long enough to achieve orgasm
- A stop watch to determine how long it takes to come to orgasm with that particular fruit
- A drill auger to carve an erect penis sized hole into the fruit
- Barry White CD for getting in the 'mood'
- A garbage bag to dispose of the used and violated fruit
EXPERIMENT RESULTS
(For length reasons for this article, I removed several fruits that I did indeed have sex with. I only included my more spectacular or controversial results.)
Watermelon (Citrullus vulgaris Schard)
---------------------------------------
- Time to Reach Orgasm:
6 Minutes 21 seconds
- Sturdiness:
The hard exterior shell of the water melon withstood my affections quite well, but the same could not be said of the soft fleshy interior. By the time I came, the interior cavity was quite a bit larger than my own penis. The watermelon flesh is very soft on the inside, and is turned to pulp very quickly by a pounding penis.
The melon did crack a little as well, although it likely was my overzealous lovemaking that caused this, so I do not hold it against the watermelon.
- Texture:
The watermelon's rind felt very pleasurable on my penis and it compensated for the lack of resistance on the interior of the melon. Also, the abundant water kept my penis lubricated quite adequately.
- Final Impressions:
I really enjoyed my brief affair with the watermelon. I credit the hard-yet-yielding exterior rind and the lubricating water for making it a superior sexual partner. It did lose points for the too-soft interior though, so it is certainly not a perfect 10. I would also suggest to not get too rough with the watermelon, or it may crack open. A little spanking is ok, just don't go overboard.
Passion Fruit (Passiflora spp)
-------------------------------
- Time to Reach Orgasm:
Did not achieve climax
- Sturdiness:
This fruit has the most misleading name ever. First of all, it was the smallest fruit that I had sex with. It was just barely big enough to support a hole that would take in my penis. Secondly, it was far too soft and mushy to be appropriate for physical expressions of love. The passion fruit basically turned to mush after only 30 seconds of thrusting.
- Texture:
Soft, mushy, and kind of slimy. The gooey texture was sexually unappealing and was a mood killer. The juices were also somewhat acidic, and they burned my penis hole. The passion fruit also stained my penis an unsightly yellow color which would not come out for days.
- Final Impressions:
The passion fruit is a very inferior lover with an inappropriate name. I thought: how could I lose with passion fruit? I was wrong. It is too small, and it is just too weak to withstand all but the most timid lovemaking session. Its slimy texture was just not attractive either. Take it from me: it is not appropriate to have sex with a passion fruit.
Cantaloupe (Cucumis melo L.)
------------------------------
- Time to Reach Orgasm:
8 Minutes 46 seconds
- Sturdiness:
Truthfully I had sex with two different cantaloupes. The first cantaloupe I had relations with fell apart. I am not averse to rough sex at times and I guess I got a little too carried away with cantaloupe #1; so much so that it broke into several pieces. After that I realized that I would have to make sweet, soft tender love to the cantaloupe; to be a gentle and caring and attentive lover. To cantaloupe #2 I was all of those things and more.
It survived the ordeal relatively unscathed, and the integrity of the penis hole was such that I was almost tempted to put the cantaloupe in the fridge and save it for round 2, once I had recovered my stamina. It was kind of slimy with cantaloupe juice and semen though, so I decided to dispose of it.
- Texture
The cantaloupe had a very pleasing, smooth texture to it. Out of all the fruits I had, I think the cantaloupe feels the closest to a human woman. It did have seeds in the core, but they were very soft did not in any way scratch my penis. Also the cantaloupe skin is a bit rough so I made sure the penis hole had a bit of a flair at the open end to avoid chafing.
- Final Impressions:
Overall the cantaloupe is an outstanding sexual partner. It is a fairly solid fruit with a smooth feel. You do have to keep in mind though that any rough stuff will likely result in the cantaloupe falling apart. Make love to the cantaloupe as you would a sophisticated lady and not a 5 dollar hooker and you will have an evening to remember.
Pineapple (Ananas comosus Merr.)
------------------------------
- Time to Reach Orgasm:
*14 Minutes 02 seconds
- Sturdiness:
The pineapple was the sturdiest of all the fruits that I had sex with. It could take my hardest pounding and keep coming back for more. Despite this, I found there are major drawbacks to loving a pineapple. I detail them in the texture section.
- Texture
First of all, the outer skin of the pineapple is very course and sharp. I got several nasty scrapes on the skin around my groin. It makes for some very careful and deliberate penetration to avoid getting scraped.
Secondly, the juice is very acidic and the end of my penis was stinging very soon after I commenced my humping. The pain was getting bad enough that I was forced to withdraw and clean my penis off with warm water before I could complete my consummation with the fruit. I didn't want to give up the experiment with the pineapple however, so I put on a condom and finished it off. With the condom on there was no pain, but I have never enjoyed wearing one, and it decreased the pleasure of the experience by a large margin.
-Final Impressions:
If one likes it rough and doesn't mind wearing a condom, the pineapple is probably the best fruit for sex. It would also be the most appropriate fruit for a session of S and M. Personally, I will most likely not have sex with a pineapple again. It is just not my type.
*For this time, take into account I was wearing a condom which would increase the amount of time it would take to achieve orgasm.
CONCLUSION
My experiments make the following conclusions irrefutable:
- The watermelon and the cantaloupe are good lays.
- Passion fruits do not make appropriate sexual partners.
- If you like it rough, a pineapple will work - with adequate protection.
Nobel prize here I cum...
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-19 03:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA. Mine is way bigger than darkos.
He totally stole my idea a few minutes before I had it.
Fucker.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-19 03:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FRUIT FUCKER.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-01-19 02:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fruit fucker!
Submitted by plasman (user info) at 2007-06-01 22:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-01 22:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bump
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-01-26 11:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Googling "fuck watermelon" and "watermelon sex" both have ubersite links within the top 5. How I know this is irrelevant. It's simply amazing.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-30 16:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
someone uberboard this
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what's the latin/greek for fruit fucker?
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How have less than 40 people rated this?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how did i miss this?
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-30 14:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-30 12:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Arousing.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-30 12:04:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way down deep in the middle of the Congo, a hippo took an apricot, a
guava and a mango. He stuck it with the others, and he danced a dainty
tango.
The rhino said, "I know, we'll call it Um Bongo", Um Bongo, Um Bongo,
They drink it in the Congo.
The python picked the passion fruit, the marmoset the mandarin. The
parrot painted packets, that the whole caboodle landed in.
So when it comes to sun and fun and goodness in the jungle, They all
prefer the sunny funny one they call Um Bongo!
---
This was a great fruit post
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-30 11:59:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-24 00:05:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh The reason I came to uber. Here's your plus two for bringing me here.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-29 19:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss SausageKing. He was one of the best around when I first signed up.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still the reason I came to uber, have another.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-24 00:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh The reason I came to uber. Here's your plus two for bringing me here.
Submitted by gabe <bluesnowhillsat.at.ol.com> at 2004-07-05 00:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL IM NOT ALONE i experiment with fruits all the time the fruits you eat i should say. microwaving works well but you should add in some vegtables like a steemed out pepper is like a nice tight vigina or a heated large picked tomatto works great allso but the best has to be the cantilope. Im with you 100% of the way i am proud to say i fuck fruits. Quote when you get to the chiken youve eather gone to far or insane or you just took a shit load of acid and dxm good day all, my name is gariel DM freehold hehe Marijuana ;.!
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-26 02:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just cause craptastic is my girlfriend...
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-26 02:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:40:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel sorry for your girlfriend
-------------------------------
Hahhahahahah!
That made me laugh...
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel sorry for your girlfriend
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-17 11:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so damn funny +2 all the way
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-07 13:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "sturdiness" I don't know why but that is hilarious.
Truthfully I had sex with two different cantaloupes.
Hahahahahahaha!
This is great. Should have done much better than the current ratings would indicate. +2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-05-07 07:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost had sex with a fruit, but I totally didn't know it was a dude till the pants came off(yes I know it was terrible but someone had to say it).
I don't think he really did this but did you guys notice this comment,
"Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:42:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
Next time try putting them in the microwave first."
I think this guy did.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2004-05-07 07:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
6 mins with a fruit SausageKing is not an appropriate name.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-07 03:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-05-06 13:28:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
The entire introduction is a lie. There is no way any girl would go out with a fruit-fucker.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend is very understanding when it comes to me furthering the knowledge of humankind with my experiments. If it means I have to fuck a fruit to prove a theory, so be it. She is behind me 100%.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" Take it from me: it is not appropriate to have sex with a passion fruit. "
You think?
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-05-06 15:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sir, i dost love thou.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is very, very sad, and I feel for your girlfriend.
"The passion fruit also stained my penis an unsightly yellow color which would not come out for days."
That was funny though.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Only +1 because your penis is small enough to fit in a passion fruit.
Submitted by Tokerson (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite interesting... should be made into a series.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am in awe of the sick and pathetic wasteland that is your imagination......
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is so well written... i would actually forget it was a farse until lines like
"To cantaloupe #2 I was all of those things and more..." hahahahahahaha!
great stuff man
Submitted by posthumouslaughter (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahah!!!!! I almost died laughing. Fucking tremendous!
Submitted by GassyGirl72 (user info) at 2004-05-06 13:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very informative and entertaining. Fruit Fucking, although wrong, sounds like a lot of fun.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-05-06 13:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The entire introduction is a lie. There is no way any girl would go out with a fruit-fucker.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Next time try putting them in the microwave first.
Submitted by dethcow (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be made into a series detailing sex with different inanimate objects... that would pwn.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was amused...
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok i give this a +2 for entertainment value but a -1 because even on the pineapple
where it took only 14 minutes to achieve orgasm if i were your girlfriend i would let
you keep the fruit cuz if it's only gonna last 14 minutes it's not even worth removing
my clothes
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very fun, but only a +1 because since I am a girl, none of the information was useful to me.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time I pass a produce section, I'm gonna' get a hard-on.
You should also have your girlfriend do experiments with fruit and post them here (with graphic, er, scientific pictures diagramming her progress). It would allow me to formulate a hypothesis based on the dual data.
You, sir, are a sick man.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow that was awesome.
If you decide to experiment with animals too, I'd love to read about it.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-06 12:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude. You fucked a melon.
Do you still have a girlfriend?