Phoning all Brits - a strategic reply to the UK (878 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.14 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Yewslus (View user info) at 2004-05-06 16:02:33 EDT
In response to http://www.ubersite.com/m/32360
Phoning all Brits
NOTIFICATION OF REGIME CHANGE.
To the citizens of England, the UK, Great Britain, or whatever name you may be assuming today, in light of your failure to effectively get off your asses and do something in the world, we hereby declare that there may be weapons of mass destruction (to be known as 'WMD' from this point on), and authorize ourselves to execute a regime change on your little island.
We shall appoint Christopher Reeve as the replacement for Queen Elizabeth II. The reasoning for this move is obvious: Christopher Reeve does just as much as Her Royal Majesty, but his chair is cooler. Parliament will no longer hold sessions, but rather resume as George Clinton's band.
To help aid in this regime change, the following shizzle shall be in 'full effect y'all':
1. There shall be no further improper use of the letter "U" in any words. 'Colour', 'humour', and 'valour' are not appropriate. Also, the word 'bloody' will be replaced with use of the word 'fucking'. You know you want to say it. The time has come to stop being prude. Besides, the word 'fuck' has it's roots in the UK, an acronym in olde English meaning 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge'. Also, the use of the letter 'e' at the end of the word 'old' shall be punishable by death.
2. Contrary to what you may have heard, the UK is NOT the world's foremost authority on comedic entertainment. We hereby decree that all tapes of Fawlty Towers and Absolutely Fabulous be destroyed immediately, to be replaced by such masterpieces as The Simpsons and Everybody Loves Raymond. Check your local listings for times.
3. There will be no more 'tea time', 'high tea', or 'a spot' of anything caffeinated. This is a waste of time and will not be argued or addressed further.
4. We will give you a choice as to your new national anthem, as follows:
A. Hells Bells, AC/DC
B. Bark at the Moon, Ozzy Osbourne
C. Everything About You, Ugly Kid Joe
5. We will not change your version of 'football'. This would be futile. As a country, you are either drinking too heavily, or stampeding over each other too much during these games to even notice. We will, however, condemn losing teams to execution by firing squad. This should make your football watchable.
6. All British cars are banned, especialli the Cooper. They are not suitable for human needs. If you were to get an erection, you would have to wait for it to go down before entering/exiting the vehicle.
7. As soon as possible, we shall send a team of highly trained dentists to your island. Nobody said this was going to be an overnight change.
8. Please kill any Spice Girls remaining in the UK. They are driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
User Reviews
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
To anyone that finds Absolutely Fabulous funny, this is post right up your street.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
especialli?
What the fuck is that?
+2 for the post though.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-10 15:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good comeback. I'll store the anger you generated for a future post.
By the way, Everybody Loves Raymond is lame, and Matt Groening is the only peanut in the proverbial turd of American 'comedy'. Face it, British comedy is far, far superior.
Submitted by etaker at 2004-05-10 14:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
dont all national anthems suck?
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-07 11:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks. You were the inspiration.
One of these days I'm going to have to get my passport and check out GB. I've heard it's a pretty good time.
I have all the respect in the world for the country that originated the need for 17-year-old nymphs to shed 90% of their clothing while writhing to electronic music in a warehouse or large field while under the influence of drugs which will make them horny.
That's just so fucking great.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAH!!!
Quality
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-07 07:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good afternoon (see what I did there - I was polite, it's not just a Brit thing - everyone should do it... take note you lot, its called etiquette).
Firstly, in response to your commment "To the citizens of England, the UK, Great Britain" Id like to say, England is PART of the UK (thats, the United Kingdom if you dont mind, and as the name suggests there are a few of us who are members).
As for Great Britain - I reckon we will be keeping that one - as we are quite clearly Great!!!
As for your threats, its not a worry to me... they reckon that something like 75% of your school children can't even find their own country on the map... so I dont think that you lot are going to find our little island!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2004-05-07 07:23:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was gonna reply, to this but I think this guy's got it covered.
The other may not have been original, but some of the points were true.
The only time I have ever seen 'Olde' is in america, trying to look British.
Our National Anthem does suck though, I actually just suggested Rule Britannia, as a new one on the other post.
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Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:45:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hehehehehe... As a Briton I feel compelled to respond:
First things first the names England, the United Kingdom and Great Britain refer to three different things.
So what if Parliament doesn't sit... It would still be more effective than Congress or the Senate...
And to your specific points:
1, As the language is commonly known as 'English,' and an Englishman who defined how words should be spelt, I think we'll keep our Us thank you. As far as I am aware, our written language was designed so as to be as confusing as possible for Johnny Foreigner to learn... We do say 'Fucking,' frequently in fact...
2, We ARE the world's authority on comedy... Sorry. Friends sucks, Coupling rules.
3, By all means, abolish Teatime, high tea etc. Tea tastes like Yak's urine mixed with milk... But leave Cream Tea alone, please?
4, I choose none of those, just replace the current dirge with 'Rule Britannia,' and that will be fine.
5, Football - one point: It's not our 'version,' it IS Football. Foot. Kicks Ball. No hands allowed. Football. 'American Football' is nothing more than padded Rugby for wusses and a distinct lack of testosterone. I think you'll find both are of English origin... However, please feel free to immediately execute one team (who lost, Ha!) by firing squad - Manchester United. Go Gunners, woooo! Just one favour I ask - remind them before they die that it's the Premiership that matters, not the Cup?
6, We do have dentists, that's just a myth. And anyway, they'd all have to work for the NHS, fill out mountains of forms, and not get paid very much, so I don't think you'd find many takers somehow.
7, No problem. I personally volunteer to murder Victoria Beckham myself. I leave her husband intact though. There might be a free kick needing taking during Euro 2004.
I'll just wait now for the abuse I will inevitably suffer, safe in the knowledge that America used to be pink on the map, and sad that England's children have turned out so badly...
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Submitted by KreefMeester (user info) at 2004-05-07 03:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not a worthy response at all.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-05-06 19:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'Fawlty Towers' is better than 'Everyone Loves Raymond' by a long shot.
Football is still better than soccer though.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I owned a right-hand drive mini.
It was the best car I've ever drove.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32360
But leave Cream Tea alone, please?
Is it me, or is that a bit... ghey?
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I apologise... I missed one.
I assume you mean the Mini Cooper. Anyway - Small country=small roads=small cars. Simple. Don't mess.
Minis rock.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hehehehehe... As a Briton I feel compelled to respond:
First things first the names England, the United Kingdom and Great Britain refer to three different things.
So what if Parliament doesn't sit... It would still be more effective than Congress or the Senate...
And to your specific points:
1, As the language is commonly known as 'English,' and an Englishman who defined how words should be spelt, I think we'll keep our Us thank you. As far as I am aware, our written language was designed so as to be as confusing as possible for Johnny Foreigner to learn... We do say 'Fucking,' frequently in fact...
2, We ARE the world's authority on comedy... Sorry. Friends sucks, Coupling rules.
3, By all means, abolish Teatime, high tea etc. Tea tastes like Yak's urine mixed with milk... But leave Cream Tea alone, please?
4, I choose none of those, just replace the current dirge with 'Rule Britannia,' and that will be fine.
5, Football - one point: It's not our 'version,' it IS Football. Foot. Kicks Ball. No hands allowed. Football. 'American Football' is nothing more than padded Rugby for wusses and a distinct lack of testosterone. I think you'll find both are of English origin... However, please feel free to immediately execute one team (who lost, Ha!) by firing squad - Manchester United. Go Gunners, woooo! Just one favour I ask - remind them before they die that it's the Premiership that matters, not the Cup?
6, We do have dentists, that's just a myth. And anyway, they'd all have to work for the NHS, fill out mountains of forms, and not get paid very much, so I don't think you'd find many takers somehow.
7, No problem. I personally volunteer to murder Victoria Beckham myself. I leave her husband intact though. There might be a free kick needing taking during Euro 2004.
I'll just wait now for the abuse I will inevitably suffer, safe in the knowledge that America used to be pink on the map, and sad that England's children have turned out so badly...
Submitted by Sumpy (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We should have done this a long time ago
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I just went through the 'original' and picked it apart point by point.
But those Brits have a sense of humour, they bloody well better get the joke!
Submitted by maleficent1 <Maleficent1111.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-05-06 16:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA Very nice, and original too I believe---unlike its alternate ego
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
http://www.zen33652.zen.co.uk/
Submitted by hamilton at 2004-05-06 16:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:07:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah ! You forgot to ask them to take back Ontario.
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Does that mean that we could get away from quebec?
YES!!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed throughout
Submitted by posthumouslaughter (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah. Much better. Awesome reply.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Awesome post. Except
6. All British cars are banned, especialli the Cooper. They are not suitable for human needs. If you were to get an erection, you would have to wait for it to go down before entering/exiting the vehicle.
This is necessary no matter what kind of car you drive.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH YEAH!!
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I forgot, the national animal will be, of course, the emu.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree 100%. You are a saint.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah ! You forgot to ask them to take back Ontario.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA!!
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-06 16:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO USA WOO!