Perfectly Normal Behavior (966 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.7 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <feral_pet.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-07 09:59:09 EDT
I left home when I was eighteen. The many reasons were dazzling in their complexity. As I was a mature young person of a serious turn of mind, I thought my decision through carefully. The internal dialogue went something like this:
'I can legally move out and take drugs and stay out all night!'
'Yeah!'
'Aren't you my conscience?'
'Well.... yeah.'
'Aren't you going to try and reason with me?'
'Fuck no! BRING ON THE DRUGS!'
'What about my education?'
'Drugsdrugsdrugsdrugs!'
After this lengthy and involved decision making process, I sat my mother down and explained to her that I felt ready to make my own way in the world. Being my mother, she packed a box of kitchen utensils for me to take with me. This amusingly daffy notion didn't take into account the following facts:
I didn't like cooking.
I didn't know how.
I had no idea what most of this stuff was used for. (Cheese grater? What the hell? The cheese is already ON the food when I buy it. Do I need MORE cheese?)
So I left, with my box of confusingly shaped metal things, and wandered off into the wilderness.
Fast forward five years. In this time I learned enough about drugs to swear off them for life, threw myself into an exciting research program called 'Binge Drinking and its Effect on Your Ability to Hold Down a Job', fell in and out of love, grew up a bit, grew up some more, had a son and learned to cook.
I still had most of the things my mother had given me. They were just... my things. I took them with me to each new location as I did my clothes and books and furniture, never really thinking about them.
An ex-boyfriend was over one night, sitting in the kitchen, talking to me as I peeled potatoes. He saw the peeler I was using and started laughing.
'How the hell do you expect to peel potatoes with that? It's blunt, and bent, and old. You need a new one.'
I looked at the peeler as though I'd never seen it before. It was old, and blunt, and the blade was twisted a little out of shape. But...
'It's mine. It still works.'
'How long have you had that.. thing?'
'Five years. My mum gave it to me.'
'They cost ninety five cents at Woolworths. I'll buy you half a dozen, and you can throw that one out. Actually, you might want to consider an exorcism. It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.'
I'd never thought to replace it. It was just... THE potato peeler. I found the idea of replacing it strangely abhorrent.
'But.. it's peeled my potatoes for five years. I can't just.. THROW it out. It's never let me down. It's hacked through pumpkin skin, cut through the tops of carrots - it deserves better than that.'
I'm ashamed to say that I was perfectly serious.
He just looked at me. 'You're insane.'
That night, I had to come to grips with something I'd never noticed before - I have a pathological inability to throw things away. I have a special place in my bottom drawer for dead batteries. Dried out felt tip pens haunt my linen closet. I just can't ABANDON things as though they're inanimate, soulless objects with no feelings. I'd never thought about this - it's just something I do.
I had to admit it - the peeler was staring death in the face. It had passed its prime. But... still... it was MINE. 'My mummy gave me that' cried a distant, childlike voice in the back of my mind.
What to do?
After much soul searching, I found the solution. I had to harden my heart. Act like an adult. Do the mature thing.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I left, with my box of confusingly shaped metal things, and wandered off into the wilderness.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 14:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'I can legally move out and take drugs and stay out all night!'
'Yeah!'
'Aren't you my conscience?'
'Well.... yeah.'
'Aren't you going to try and reason with me?'
'Fuck no! BRING ON THE DRUGS!'
'What about my education?'
'Drugsdrugsdrugsdrugs!'
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-25 05:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful... Why in gods name are people scoring this less than +2?... The picture at the end is priceless. This is the best thing up I've read today.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-25 05:19:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. God yes.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-07 19:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mum, tell me more about the drugsdrugsdrugsdrugs...
You should write a post about those 5 years in question.
Nothing better than a drug-laden chick who has her own place.
+2 for no 'u' in behavior ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/32365 )
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-07 14:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hehe - I know exactly what you mean, and what better than empathy to garner a + score?
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-05-07 11:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do the same damn thing... My clothes are all stacked in the corner of my room, because the closet is full of stuff that I just can't throw out for one reason or another.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-05-07 11:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the sentence about "confusingly shaped metal objects", and another +1 for the photo. I've discovered that there is a fierce and savage joy to be derived from throwing things away and never thinking about them again. This is a great source of tension in my marriage, because she keeps old wrapping paper, pieces of broken glasses, socks that are too worn out to wear anymore, etc...
Submitted by KoolWang (user info) at 2004-05-07 11:11:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-05-07 11:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice story. I laughed cause my mom gave me kitchen stuff when I moved out.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so you have graduated from drawers to boxes!! congratulations!!
haha kidding, i used to do that shit all the time also.
for some reason i didn't gather from what ive seen of your work that you were a woman, i was thinking male. im sure you care, too. hehe.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Slowlyrotting - Yeah, I know. At least I took the 'u' out of 'behaviour'.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got the same problem.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pack rat.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes I give things +2 for the wrong reasons... Maybe I'm in a retarded mood, mabe something in the otherwise crappy story made me laugh, maybe it is so outlandishly goofy that it took genius to concoct... or maybe even it's outof pure sympathy.
This deserves a +3 for all the right reasons. It's funny, it's entertaining, it's believeable, it's written well, and you even included a picture for the tag line.
-1 for calling your mom "mum"... I hate that other english.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sea kelp? Nononononono! I said SEEK HELP!
This was kinda funny though.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely fucking brilliant!
I do exactly the same thing with things people give me... mainly because I worry about what would happen if they suddenly weren't here anymore and I didnt have anything to remind me of them any more.
Stupid really... Why my grandad would want to be remembered by a tatty old blanket I dont know... but there you go. I can't throw anything out and thats just the way it is.
My house is where old stuff that nobody wants goes to die.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bitch needs help!
Submitted by Orange-San (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
u wil like tish 1 beter
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32433
Submitted by Schwing5000 (user info) at 2004-05-07 10:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"'Aren't you going to try and reason with me?'
'Fuck no! BRING ON THE DRUGS!'"
glorious.