For Reallybored, Domenad, and Scott James: Analyze This! (4258 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.89 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-05-07 14:17:16 EDT
It occurs to me that you three are ÜberMen who can appreciate my posts on a regular basis. That is to say, it seems that you are regularly entertained by my little periodic snippets of what I like to think of as comedy. Self deprecation, you see, is just my way of making people laugh. I'd like to consider myself a fairly normal person, however, and so when Dome included me in his Über Psychiatry post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/32172) and referred to me as "bizarre", "hopeless", and "Wiggedy-whack like a Cracker Jack" (sic), it subsequently occurred to me that you don't really know the real me. The normal me. The me with a wife and kids and a mortgage and yard work and so on. I really felt like I owed it to you to give you a post about my daily life. My routine. To let you see that I'm just a guy. A man trying his best to make his way through life and contribute something to society.
Then I thought, 'Fuck that, who wants to read about that shit?'
Please keep in mind that the incidents described below happened over a period of three consecutive days. At the end, I would appreciate your assistance in rendering an analysis of the test subject (names have been changed). Über Psychology, indeed.
Scene #1: The Nintendo Incident
Two buddies (let's call them Icknay and Omtay) and I were playing Hockey on Omtay's N64. We were taking turns playing the winner. Nick was absolutely killing Tom, something like 12-1, or some other similarly horrific score. I was sitting behind them on the couch witnessing the destruction, and heckling. I would say innocuous things like:
"Hey Tom, maybe we should turn the offsides off. Would that help you out?"
"Hey Tom, I didn't know hockey players were allowed to wear skirts."
"Hey Tom, do you want to pause it to change your tampon?"
"Hey Tom, you fucking suck."
(Side note: I am not very bright. I knew, for example, that Tom was prone to freak out at the slightest provocation. The three of us went to high school together, and I knew from the first day I met him that heckling him was "pulling the tail of the dragon" as they say. But the worst thing you could say to him, besides "Calm down, Tom" was the phrase "You fucking suck".)
Tom screamed like a Berserker in a high pitched voice, and threw the controller at the TV. Luckily, it bounced harmlessly of the screen. Unluckily, he jumped up, grabbed his Nintendo, jerked it out of the outlet, and threw it through the window. Not out of an open window. Through a closed window. The glass shattered quite spectacularly, and Tom stomped off to his room, slammed the door, and started trashing his room. Nick and I seriously thought that he might have been searching for some type of weapon to turn against us, and we booked the fuck out of there (it was our apartment, too). Two hours later, we tentatively walked back into the apartment. Tom was totally rational, and acted like nothing happened. That's the way he was. He would morph into Psycho Huey one second, and be totally calm the next.
Scene #2: The VCR Incident
Tom had stolen a VCR from somewhere, I can't recall where. It's not important. We would rent really bad war movies on Tuesdays, and watch them on his stolen VCR. It was a decent machine for its day, I suppose, though it was starting to get a little long in the tooth. Those little lines started appearing across the screen, so we tried using one of those VCR head cleaner cassettes you can pick up at Target for $5. No use. The thing needed to be serviced, or soon it would be completely unwatchable. The conversation during the movie:
Nick: "Hey Tom, you really need to get that thing serviced, you dig?"
Tom: "Fuck that, do you know how much it costs to service a VCR?"
Me: "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE? YOU STOLE THE DAMN THING ANYWAY!"
Tom produced another hideous Berserker holler, and jumped up to rip the VCR out of the entertainment console.
'Oh, fuck, here we go again', Nick and I thought together.
This time Tom clomped over to the front door, yanked it open, and threw it down a flight of stairs. Our downstairs neighbor, a perfectly pleasant homosexual fellow named Eric, opened his door and looked down at the VCR in a billion pieces on the floor at his feet. Then he looked up the stairs at Tom, who by that time had stalked into his room and emerged with a hammer.
"What the fuck are you doing, you fucking psycho?" the poor bastard asked.
"Rrraaaaaaaaaaarrrghhh!!!" Tom replied, and charged down the stairs with the hammer raised high.
I give Eric credit; he ducked back into his apartment faster than I would have thought possible. But Tom charged down the stairs and started beating the fuck out of the VCR with the hammer, going on the whole time like he was in scream therapy. And then Nick and I were in a precarious situation. We sure as shit didn't want to wait around for Tom to make his way back up the stairs (and possibly cave our heads in with the hammer), but Tom was in the stairway, effectively blocking our escape route. What to do?
We climbed out my bedroom window (on the 2nd floor), onto the roof, and jumped off the roof to make our getaway. We came back about three hours later. There was a pile of tiny plastic and electronic circuit board parts at the bottom of the stairs, and a couple of holes in the wall where Tom had apparently taken his frustration out on the apartment building. Tom was on the couch, watching Ren & Stimpy like nothing ever happened.
Scene #3: The MacAdoo's Incident
Nick and Tom were out at MacAdoo's the next night with their fiancés at the time. The girls were in the same sorority together, and apparently there was some sort of semiformal function going on that week. Tom and Mya were having a mild argument over the time and place. Tom had to work that night, but would try to leave early to make it back in time to pick her up. Mya just wanted him to meet her there, because she didn't want to take the chance that he would stand her up. Conversation:
Tom: "I don't see what the big deal is. Just wait until I get there and we'll go together"
Mya: "I'm not waiting for your dumb ass! I'm going at eight. If you're not there, just meet me there! Jesus, what's so hard to understand."
Tom: "Baby, come on. I just want us to go together, like a real date."
Mya: "No! God, you fucking suck sometimes."
Nick's face just went slack, waiting for the hurricane to come. And come it did. Tom once again demonstrated his penchant for ghastly shrieking, then threw a pitcher of Killian's Irish Red across the bar and flipped the table over Hollywood style. As he was steaming towards the entrance, he pushed over the wax statue of the Blues Brothers which traditionally was placed near the front doors.
Nick and Krystal and Mya immediately chased after him, probably to try and calm him down so no one else would see his insane shit. Tom was running down the main strip HEADBUTTING ROAD SIGNS and continuing to scream like a lunatic. Off he disappeared around a corner. The three of them just decided that Mya would go after Tom, and Nick and Krystal would to go back to Krystal's apartment and wait for them there (Krystal and Mya were roommates). They called me and I came over to watch the fireworks.
A few hours later, Nick, Krystal and I were watching TV, and Tom and Mya came crashing through the front door. I don't know what their deal was, but Tom either tripped or tackled Mya, and all of a sudden they were rolling around on the floor at our feet. That's when Mya kicked him in the sack, stood up and shreiked at the top of her lungs:
"I'M NOT MARRYING YOU, YOU FUCKING FREAK!!"
And she yanked the ring off her finger and threw it at him.
Dead silence.
"If that's the way you want it", Tom said quietly. Then he ran full speed into the kitchen and grabbed a Chef's knife. Nick was too quick for him, though, and tackled him and took it away from him. Tom ran back into the kitchen and grabbed another knife. Nick tackled him and took that one away, too. Third time's the charm? Not for Tom. Nick again stripped him of a knife. Tom ran to the front door.
"If I can't do it here. I'll just do it at home!!" he shouted. And he was gone.
Now, I'll give Tom credit. He is one fast bastard. He ran all the way home (about half a mile) before the three of us could load into the car and chase him down. When we got into our apartment, Tom had locked himself in his closet and was talking in gibberish and wouldn't come out for anything. Apparently, he had smashed a glass candlestick and was trying to slash his wrists with it. We didn't have any other choice. We called 911 and told them what was going on. The cops came in about 3 minutes and spent the next 45 minutes talking him out of the closet. When he finally emerged, he was crying and looking pretty fucking scary with all kind of minor cuts and shit on his arms. He had been cutting the backs of his forearms, not the insides of his wrists. Fucking crazy.
So anyway, his parents came all the way up to campus to get him (his Dad is a federal prosecutor with the U.S. attorneys office) and he was gone for like three weeks. When he got back to school? Yep. Like nothing ever happened.
There are literally dozens of these types of events that I could describe to you about Tom. Some were funny as hell, some were scary as hell. But oddly enough, after the MacAdoo's incident, he never freaked out again, to my knowledge. Maybe he got put on some kind of anti-psychotic drug. Maybe they performed an exorcism on the nutjob. Who knows.
But I am secure in the knowledge that I may be crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy. Jesus Christ.
This is what he looked like when he would go into freakout mode:
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-16 13:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-10-29 15:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-09 04:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome funny. I want more Tom
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-09 04:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Class fuckin' A
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-09-09 03:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-09-09 03:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
was running down the main strip HEADBUTTING ROAD SIGNS and continuing to scream like a lunatic.
+2, love it. Tom sounds like me (though a bit more than just slightly more insane) and I can't help but think of my funny freak-out stories (Throwing my ps2 down stairs, clubbing my freind with a plastic 1 gallon vodka bottle, full)
Submitted by dr_pop <great_seth.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-08-18 12:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen most of these Tom stories now, and lemme just say I can't believe someone could possibly go so nuts. Throwing expensive electronic shit like VCRs and consoles out of windows simply because someone heckled him? No way! Exactly what is the value of the damage he's caused?
It's all a little fantastic. Friggin' funny though.
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the beginning of a beautiful series
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-07-22 02:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-05-13 16:31:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
+ Fucking TWO!
More Tom Stories!
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+2 for this handicap
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-07-22 00:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amazing.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2004-05-29 17:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mas.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-05-13 16:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+ Fucking TWO!
More Tom Stories!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-10 10:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! I like how Icknay and Omtay only lasted for a sentence. Tom sounds like a keeper.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-10 09:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. When i black out from drinking too much im prone to breaking shit, but nothing like this. Guys like these are great to have around because they make you look so much better.
So the question is, did you bang Tom's ex-fiancee after she dropped him?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-09 13:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I know a kid just like that, except he does wierd shit becuase he thinks it'll make him cool. Needless to say, headbutting plateglass windows really doesn't make other people actually like you.
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-05-09 12:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny...and scary for words!
Submitted by etet72 (user info) at 2004-05-08 20:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo, you are the reason that I read things here. Check my first post for how.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-08 16:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fucking Christ, I laughed my ass off at the first two stories, then the third one made me kind of sad. Obviously, you buddy was in need of some serious therapy.
Weird thing is that I've gone Shitnuts on several occasions so I can kind of relate to this madness, well the first story at least. I've smashed a few things up when I have been drunk too. A few things like tables and chairs were destroyed too when I went a bit barmy a few years ago after having a nervous breakdown but I pulled myself together eventually. Sort of.
You're still crazy thoug, Jimbo. But in a good way. :-)
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-05-08 16:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mahahahah! I must learn the berserker cry of murder!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-05-07 21:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom is my new hero. That dude did exactly what i would have done.
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2004-05-07 21:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really enjoyed the story Jimbo!
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-07 19:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-07 19:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a cool story.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo is wicked funny, and Omtay is a freak.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes!!!! This post was incredible. I get tourretes when I play video games that involve sports.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is good.
Submitted by kireisarah (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:01:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, Jimbo, I have a challenge for you: write a bad post. Just once. Ever. I bet you can't do it, you chickenshit.
;)
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
two words...
val-ium
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
let's call them Icknay and Omtay)
----------------
I guess you changed your mind?? ;)
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to have nightmares about that damn picture.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-07 14:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds perfectly normal to me.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-07 14:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to do this quiz as a joke, but they want $10 and the joke wouldn't have been that funny anyway: http://www.mentalhealth.com/
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-05-07 14:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder if tom has anger management issues...
probably not.