23 Year Old Male Shits Own Pants (5973 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.91 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrinkDDT (View user info) at 2004-05-07 15:51:21 EDT
Today while at school I was trying to figure out the anti-derivative of 1/7xye^2x+5 in terms of x, when I suddenly experienced something incredible:
The unbelievable, ferocius, and unprecedented urge to shit explosively.
Immediately I broke into a cold sweat. I dropped my mechanical pencil with the shitty eraser and looked up from my books. I was in a silent study lounge. The nearest bathroom was thirty yards down the hall. My stomach growled and my sphincter clenched--this baby was ready to be born.
As quietly and quickly as I could, I pushed away from my table and tippy-toed out of the packed lounge. As soon as I was outside, I burst into a full sprint for the restroom. With every step, I feared I would unleash a foul spray of choco-mush into my shorts.
I rushed through the bathroom door like a madman, instantly tripping over the trash can that some prick had placed almost directly in front of the entrance. Wads of paper towels were floating about the room as I sprung from the tiled floor and jumped into a stall.
As I struggled to unbutton my shorts, I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just knew it would be too late. I thrust my shorts down to my ankles exactly one nano-second before a geyser of shit errupted from my ass. Some of the shit made it into the toilet bowl, but some splattered onto the seat. Even knowing this, I still sat down for a rest. I felt like I'd just pushed a bowling ball through my asshole.
I sighed with relief and rested my chin in my hands. I was savoring the peaceful moment--until I looked down.
There appeared to be a Milk Dud cradled within the warm confines of my boxer shorts.
I couldn't believe my eyes. A 19-year streak, down the drain. I had fucking shit my pants.
I reached over and pulled a strip of toilet paper from the dispenser. Using it as a glove, I plucked the Butterfinger BB from my underwear, reached between my legs, and dropped it into the crapper. *ploink!*
Upon close inspection, I was relieved to not find even a trace of a skid mark in my shorts. Obviously it was just a lone, renegade turd without much moisture to speak of. I felt good about that. . . but I was still kind of depressed.
I dethroned and began the task of cleaning up. It was not pretty, but I did my best. I only cleaned myself--the toilet seat I just chalked up to marked territory. I left the bathroom in shambles.
I fear I shall never know what brought on such a violent shit. A shit so ghastly that it shattered 19 years (give or take) of consecutive clean-up free shitting.
Lets keep this between you and me, k?
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-10-05 07:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-10-05 07:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All calculus teaches you is how to act smarter than you really are. Nobody likes a showoff, especially not a nerd showoff.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-06-06 04:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for you good sir.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-06 04:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody beautiful.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-06-06 03:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-06-06 02:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-11-21 18:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm... sexy.
*gag*
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-21 18:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-11-21 18:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I burst out laughing about 3 times through that.
Hilarious. I think I've already rated this, but I had to say.
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-08-14 16:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tragic, how many people will be victimized by mudbutt before the government does something?!
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-08-14 16:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you didn't trade one streak for another.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-14 15:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the interests of getting something hilarious on the MRR.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-08-13 00:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahaha
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love good shit stories! Yesss
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't beat a good shyte story!
Submitted by bigp0ppa (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dont fell bad bro, i feel your pain
Submitted by Dave3811 (user info) at 2004-07-05 16:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you have to write out an equation, use (parenthesis) to clarify where terms go.
Also the whole partial differentiation vs. partial integration thing isn't an issue here. With this type of problem, when integrating with respect to x, all other terms are treated as constants and integrated as such. the partials only come when (this was mentioned earlier) you have function with respect to two variables i.e. f(x,y) and integrated with respect to both i.e. dxdy.
Submitted by CoachMagirk (user info) at 2004-07-05 15:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading, but shitstains are no laughing matter.
Love,
Peepoepoewitz
Submitted by CreedanceDirtwater (user info) at 2004-06-29 22:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
19 year streak?
Ok, now you're just bragging.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-18 17:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahHA so YOU'RE the guy who shits on the potty and doesn't clean up. After all these years... mystery solved. Thanks bud.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. From a distance.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-17 15:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.spacerace.tk
Submitted by dullard (user info) at 2004-05-17 06:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Only a 1 I'm Afraid.
If you had shit somebody elses pants that would have been really impressive.
I managed a grand slam in my sleep once, piss shit and puke, but that was drink related.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-05-17 06:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Camels milk does this to you apparentely.
Gaddafi offered some to Blaire when he was out there recentely.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-17 06:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird, bizarre, but I just had to keep reading.
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-05-17 06:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.....Fan-fucking-tastic
Now I have to clean juice off of my works keyboard. My boss is looking at me kind of funny. Fuckit
Submitted by Metal_Immortal (user info) at 2004-05-13 21:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This guy's an idiot. I mean, he cares about typos way too much. he should scoop the chocolate from his pants and enjoy!
Submitted by Lacksmotivation (user info) at 2004-05-13 18:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny
and Math is thine enemy
Submitted by BoOyah <PP.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-05-11 15:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are 23 and in highschool,
You are 23 and shit your pants.
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Balloon Knot has spoken.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-09 23:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The way you write it, the anti-derivative of 1/7xye^2x+5 is 1/14yx^2e^2x+5x+c
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-09 22:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Death metal dude, partial integration is indeed diff than partial differentiation.
This is really sad drink, really sad.
Submitted by Confusion (user info) at 2004-05-09 02:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/31312
Take that shit.
Submitted by Webspam (user info) at 2004-05-08 21:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed pretty hard at that.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-08 17:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for shitting your own pants and not leaving skids. That takes skill.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-05-08 16:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Death metal I don't know who the fuck your calculus teacher is, but they suck.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-07 23:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Make that z=f(x,y)
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-07 23:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it's a function of two variables (i.e. z=f(y,x)) and if partial integration is anything like partial differentiation (not sure, haven't gotten there yet), then I get
((ye^2x)/14)(x-.5)+5x+C
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-05-07 21:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best romance story EVER
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-05-07 21:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Shitting ones pants is cool, how dare you say its not?
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-05-07 21:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
honestly -- i was eating a beef and bean burrito while reading this.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-05-07 21:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a wet fart the other day, not cool.
-BongZilla
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-05-07 20:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pure unadulterated genius.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-05-07 20:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last line is what did it for me.
Where's my goddamn thank you card?
Love ya, Tim
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-07 18:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I shoulda thought of this...
Oh yeah, I was too busy falling in love.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-05-07 18:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good god... I was laughing so hard at this that I choked on a cheez-it.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-07 18:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really sorry I read this.
"A 19-year streak, down the drain. I had fucking shit my pants."
A streak even Cal Ripken would be proud of.
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2004-05-07 18:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-05-07 17:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have you seen the new movie going around the 'net? It's "A DrinkDDT taking a vicious dump"
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-05-07 17:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Obviously it was just a lone, renegade turd without much moisture to speak of. I felt good about that. . .
hahahaha
i felt good about that as well.
my streak was ruined a 6 or 7 years ago...
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-07 17:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shizzle, word, homey g, funk slice dzawg, For Sheezy... you know... the good stuff
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-05-07 17:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This will continue to happen every 15 years or so.
Watch out for it.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"choco-mush"
God bless you DrinkDDT.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Hershey's Kisses no longer look appealing in the least.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have lived that. almost.
posts about shit should not get less than a NUMBER 2- god i kill myself sometimes. not soon enough for some of you im sure.
Submitted by Scientifik (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drink are you going to school?
I would have thought the experiences and training of 4 years in the Army would have set you up to take a job either as an executive at a fortune 100 company, or enter the lucrative field of data entry.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhahahahah Really funny because it is true.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hardy har! Great one.
Coincidentally, renegade turd is my writing pseudonym though I've never been in the author's pants. Go figure
Submitted by versus_god (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah supoyb!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for these two words
renegade turd
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-05-07 16:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't believe my eyes. A 19-year streak, down the drain. I had fucking shit my pants.
*************
Classic.
Submitted by Chuck (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That happened to one of my friends, except it was during P.E. and he was trying to fart on another friend's head. He didn't make it though..... poor mike.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there, bro.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hahaha
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
perhaps you went here?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32444
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish i could say i understand your pain... but my streak hasn't ended yet.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is based on true events that occured on 7 May, 2004.