Yes, I am fucked up, I KNOW! (2631 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.06 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lojope <lojope.at.juno.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-08 08:05:42 EDT
You know, when you are crazy... I mean really ill.... when your brain is consumed with depression, panic, despair, anger, and self-loathing.... When therapy doesn't work, when no amount of talking is going to soothe your pain, your only option is to get medicated. Get medicated fast and heavily. But that doesn't heal you.
It's like putting rotten food in tupperware. When you seal the lid, it seems to fix the problem. You can't see the mold anymore, you can't smell it. You could shove it in the back of the fridge and you wouldn't even know there's a problem. But it's still there. All the nasty, rotten, ruinedness is still there. And eventually it will fester in there and get worse... and sooner or later it will get so bad that even the spill-proof, air-tight lid can't hold it in anymore. And all that disgusting, horrible junk will come out.
That's me right now. I am rotten on the inside. But it is sealed. My little miracle drug is keeping it all in check. You can't see or smell the bad inside me. I don't even feel it. I don't feel much of anything. It's shoved to the back, and I can almost forget it's there. Almost. But, just like the food, eventually it's going to get back out; this monster inside of me. The medication can't hold it in forever. It will continue to grow and fester inside where I can't reach it, until it finally becomes too strong for my leak-proof, air-tight seal. And all the junk will come out again.
What happens then? What happens when the last ditch effort fails? When the final resort is exhausted? Where will I turn when nothing more can be done for me?
The crazy is going to come back. This pill that stops me from feeling has one flaw... I can still fear what will happen when it doesn't work anymore.
User Reviews
Submitted by KoolMung (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Submitted by wordo_uk <wordo_uk.at.yahoo.co.uk> at 2004-06-15 21:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice.......where I am at......big hole with soft fluffy sides.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-26 23:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-05-26 16:06:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-09 08:46:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
I take a couple SSRIs, a rage inhibitor, and an anti-psychotic. One to ease the depression, one to stop the panic attacks, one to help me control my anger (without it I tend to "hate all boys" with a vengence), and one to stop the flashbacks.
-----------------------------------
flashbacks?
depression?
panic attacks?
if it's not to personal, would you mind explaining? I didn't picture you as the pill taking type.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hamilton, I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, a lovely little side effect of being raped. I take meds to counter the symptoms so that I can function. It is the same disease that all those Vietnam Vets have.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-05-26 16:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-09 17:04:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is it that 99% of the population can cope with their problems without medication or some pulled-out-of-their-ass-disease/disorder? It sickens me. We all have issues; most of us deal with them personally rather than relying on drugs or counseling or psychiatric wards or any of the other bullshit the medical field has perpetuated to make money.
______________________________________________________
9I am curious as to where you get your statistics. Just because some people do not
seek help doesn't mean they are coping. Actaully
there are a lot of people out there who should seriously consider
drugs and counselling. and there are those who should be made to.
These are the ones raping,
"going postal" cheating on spouses, killing, stealing and just wreaking havoc in general.
apparently you think they are above the ones who
take some pills to "center" themselves.
I am getting tired of you. Please go find a steel wool pad
and scrub your face with it.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-05-26 16:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-09 08:46:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
I take a couple SSRIs, a rage inhibitor, and an anti-psychotic. One to ease the depression, one to stop the panic attacks, one to help me control my anger (without it I tend to "hate all boys" with a vengence), and one to stop the flashbacks.
-----------------------------------
flashbacks?
depression?
panic attacks?
if it's not to personal, would you mind explaining? I didn't picture you as the pill taking type.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-15 18:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't need that shit.
Silly Americans.
Emotions should be faced not masked.
Welcome to Europe.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, Joe, I was expecting a comment from you. Why do you insist on commenting about things you don't understand? Don't you know you just look like an idiot?
Depression/anxiety/bipolar/obsessive compulsive... etc etc etc... all of those disorders are caused by an imbalance of the chemical Serotonin in a person's brain. Taking proper medication evens out the chemical.
It's is no different than a diabetic who needs insulin. Diabetics have an imbalance of the chemical insulin, so they cannot process sugar correctly.
Someone with a mental disorder has an imbalance of serotonin, so they cannot process emotions correctly.
Both are diagnosable, treatable diseases. Why is it because one of them is in the brain and the other is in the pancreas, that people can't see that they are essentially the same thing? An illness in the body that needs outside help to heal/treat.
Submitted by spacemonkey (user info) at 2004-05-10 15:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think the best way is just to go with the craziness. Just think, I'm crazy and its fuckin' awesome! Thats what I do anyway.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-09 17:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is it that 99% of the population can cope with their problems without medication or some pulled-out-of-their-ass-disease/disorder? It sickens me. We all have issues; most of us deal with them personally rather than relying on drugs or counseling or psychiatric wards or any of the other bullshit the medical field has perpetuated to make money.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-09 08:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I take a couple SSRIs, a rage inhibitor, and an anti-psychotic. One to ease the depression, one to stop the panic attacks, one to help me control my anger (without it I tend to "hate all boys" with a vengence), and one to stop the flashbacks.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-09 04:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't judging you, I was simply saying that I hope you have a support system in place for the child, such as friends or relatives that can help out or take him on bad days. Young children are incapable of understanding what is going on.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-05-09 03:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Makes me think twice about mixing pills with my martini.
Malone
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-09 02:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy pills are great - I'm on 5. Not so great that I can work or be an otherwise functional member of society, but great nonetheless. What are you taking, Lojope, if that isn't too personal of a question?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-08 22:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. Thanks Chuck.
Tina, *squish* I just love you!
Mystia, yes I have a child that is why I am ON the meds in the first place. So that I can function well enough to take care of my son.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-08 19:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aren't you raising a child?
If this story is true I suggest you continue to get help and try to get a strong support system in place for that child.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-05-08 19:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It always seems like that, but you gotta give it a chance. If you look through my sorry selection of posts you'll see I went through a bad time similar to this. I didn't give a shit about anything and I hated everyone and I liked seeing all my bones stick out. But I feel better now 'coz I see that I have the power to enjoy my life, even if that means dropping chem...especially that, thank God. In the end, it's me. Me, and my meds. Not that pussy Trazadone shit either. This is the good shit. Oh, and the doctors. But they're trying to help, they really are. If something isn't working for you, you tell someone. They'll give you that "I wouldn't recommend it" shit, but you tell them it's not working and they should start working on a new plan of action. I know it's frustrating, believe my I do, I went through multiple medication changes PER MONTH for a while, withdrew, rebelled, hated everyone for telling me that sometimes it takes time to figure out what combination works. But that is what I'm telling you now. Your brain isn't like anyone elses, and no one can crawl inside and see what is wrong. But if you believe, like I do, that this is not a choice but an illness, you just gotta be strong and accept help, and have faith that something will work. Not necessarily meds, either. I'm not sure mine do anyting. But talking and discussing and learning might, so cheer up.
Squish. Tina
PS you other posts sound like me too. 'Cept I started feeling sick when I was a wee lass and there was no traumatic event. In kindergarten I though my teachers and parents were always angry with me and I was always needing assurance. And in elementary school when I lived in Sicily I was sure I was gonna die every night. Definately symptomes of a hereditary serotonin deficiancy. :) (Not to mention the other crap...heh)
Submitted by captainsbread (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mold has protein.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I cut myself.
Submitted by Chuck (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written. I got a feeling that soon you will be on the most viewed authors list.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-08 12:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah, and Creep, I love it when you call me a sexy little blacksmith. That's so fun! Someday I'll write a post about what I do for a living, and then everyone will get it.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-08 12:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe don't be frightened! I am here! :o)
Thank you everyone for your nice comments. I appreciate them very much.
*hug* for Circe hehehe
Submitted by esso_merda (user info) at 2004-05-08 11:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Try using Ziplock next time. You made a mess.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-08 10:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See what you people did with your bitching about 'post camping'? You made Lojope not come and say cute things anymore.
Lojope, come back. Answer. Camp on the damn post - it's your post! Just.. talk to me...
It's cold and I'm afraid.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-08 10:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boogidy boogidy! Plus 2 Saturday!
I had to take Celexa or was it Selexa? It sucked, I felt zombified, and I quit taking it. I had to deal with the issues inside and fight it out instead of "Tupperwearing" it. After a year or so, I got much better. Today, I'm much better still. Fight the good fight!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-05-08 10:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh lighten the fuck up. Seriously, try augmenting your meds with a joint now & then. You'll feel a lot better. And remember, rage is nothing to be ashamed of.... you SHOULD let it out once & a while. The fact is most people take psyche meds to keep OTHER PEOPLE happy... but not me!
Can you tell?
Submitted by GassyGirl72 (user info) at 2004-05-08 09:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dump the pills, have a major breakdown and then start all over again. My doctor continually tells me I have a sleeping problem because I'm depressed, she is always trying to give me depression pills - doctors medicate these days, its all they know how to do.
I'm not depressed - I just can't sleep.
Fuck the pills - let your body work it out.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-05-08 09:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw, Goddamn it! What are the odds that I would start eating my lunch right before checking up on your latest post and it's this?
I even stopped and thought, "Oh, it's just on of my sexy little blacksmith's posts. There won't be anything gross in here. It's not like I'm clicking on a Koolmang abortion post, right?"
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-08 09:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know those containers. You leave them there, and forget they exist, and even when you DO remember that they're there (when you come across them in your search for the tub of yoghurt you KNOW you put in here yesterday, and if anyone's been eating my fucking yoghurt, I swear to god I'll kill them... is it so fucking HARD to leave my stuff alone? I get no respect in this house whatsoever) you don't wash them out because you know it'll be too gross?
I throw them out. I've gone through hundreds of dollars worth of Tupperware because I can't even bring myself to open them.
Aaaaand THAT, folks, is over-extending a metaphor. Sorry about that.
Great stuff, as always. If it's true, I feel for you.
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-05-08 08:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-05-08 08:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you are a nymphomaniac, I could help you work through your issues, other than that sorry. What is your problem, you probably don't want to discuss it on the internet, but then again you just posted it for the world to see.