Pause and move on (869 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-05-08 18:03:39 EDT
She bent down and picked up the smashed carnation.
The crowd of people moved forward as one entity, splitting in the center to not trample her like the flower. It reminded him of the red sea parting...or something vaguely religious that he couldn't quite recall.
He couldn't stop staring at her either. It wasn't that she was beautiful (though she was); it had more to do with the fact that she didn't quite fit in the scene going on around her. The men and women on their way to work pushed past her, focused on their own concerns. She moved almost like she was in a trance, and she seemed oblivious to everyone but herself. He wanted to follow her, though he wasn't sure why and resisted the impulse.
Someone knocked into him (in the moment he had been caught up in her world, he had stopped everything) and spilled coffee on his suit. In the instant that he looked down and swore, she disappeared. He looked up again, his eyes scanning the station for her visage, her aura, something. Finally he shrugged and tucked his newspaper under his arm, resuming his place in the machine.
He made his way to work, weaving around the panhandlers and declining an offer to buy a two-day old Tribune for half price. For some reason he wasn't surprised when he saw her again later, standing at the station when he arrived as if she had stepped out of his subconscious. He found it vaguely odd but ignored the impracticality of it.
Despite his earlier conviction that she was out of place, he sensed that she had a connection with her surroundings in a way that none of the other passersby did. She couldn't keep her feet rooted to the ground, constantly pacing. When she stopped and lifted her face she looked as if she was listening intently to a sound that none of them could hear. She could hear the city breathe maybe, feel it's heartbeat and the pulse that made up the steady rhythm of life in this place.
He wanted to connect with her the way she connected with everything else. She consumed his existence as the seconds and then the minutes slowly passed. The rest of the scene faded away and only she was left. His world narrowed in and he could feel the walls close about him. He didn't mind though, because as long as she was still there that was all that mattered. He knew her...somehow. And then she turned to look at him and opened her mouth and-
When he awoke with a start, he was almost too distracted to shake her image off. But then the phone rang and he blinked and forgot about her.
User Reviews
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-05-17 20:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Now write one about me!! Yeeeeeee!
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-15 13:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for you!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-13 23:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Metal_Immortal (user info) at 2004-05-13 21:38:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
This is a very cheesy passage from an underdeveloped writer. Please. Do not use the phrase "waking up with a start".
............................................................................................
I believe that Squirrel used the phrase: "When he awoke with a start"
So not are you a dumbfuck whose opinion no one wants but you also do not know how to do the simplest thing like copy and paste.
Now to echoe one of your own posts 'I Would Gladly Shoot Bullets Into Your Face'
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And you sir, are a literary genius!
The breadth and depth of your work astounds me.
Please, oh kind sir, be my muse, develop me.
Submitted by Metal_Immortal (user info) at 2004-05-13 21:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is a very cheesy passage from an underdeveloped writer. Please. Do not use the phrase "waking up with a start". That's just downright silly. Unless you're joking. In that case, I think you're "totally" funny.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-13 11:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice (didn't rank before, but I AM NOW!).
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-11 23:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another good piece Squireel. I was a bit disapointed with the end though. It would have been cool if you had her open her mouth and the slag him off totally for being a dirty pervert and "what the fuck are you looking at fatso"......
Just a thought.......
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-10 04:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lost me with the dream ending.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-05-09 11:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kicker of all bass!!!!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-05-09 06:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done Vivian. I very much enjoy your writing.
Very well, carry on.
Werd.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-05-09 03:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
C'mon now c'mon, this is a page from your diary...right? Right?
Malone
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-09 00:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-08 23:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks guys.
Yeah, youarsoghey, it was a lil easier to follow when they had names and there was a story line, but thanks, I'll def consider that.
Thanks for the compassion jwlmar, haha, but it wasn't quite so ghey as it started out, I swear!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-08 19:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-08 19:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting. Very interesting.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-08 19:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This rules. Surprise, surprise. :-)
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not cold enough to give you a minus 2, but I stopped reading at this line, "She bent down and picked up the smashed carnation."
After reading that I knew it would be way too gay to read.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, wasn't complete crap. Not my favorite kind of fiction, but I can appreciate your style.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Perhaps in the future when you're talking about a protagonist in the third person you should make it clear you're doing so right away and exactly who the protagonist is.
"She bent down and picked up the smashed carnation."
When I first read that I thought the protagonist was "she" when it turned out to be "he." I re-read the first few sentences a few times before stringing it together better. A quick way to solve that problem:
"He saw her bend down and pick up the smashed carnation."
That way it flows into the next paragraph better.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a story actually at first, but then I got bored with that and just decided to make it a vignette, so I took out the entire story line and shortened it by a few pages (that might be that extra something). I've done fiction before here actually, if you check my user info there's a few in there.
NOW to go gawk at ms chabert.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So you're jumping on the fiction bandwagon here, too? I liked it, but it just lacked that certain something. Not that my opinion matters anyway...
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BAHA!
Thanks...I think.
Time to go see mean girls and moon over lacey chabert.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boring and mushy. Normally I'd -2 thhe fuck out of it, but I'm not for three reasons:
1. Just because I didn't like it doesn't mean that it's poorly written.
2. My rating doesn't count anyways.
3. I've got two kickass Flute Boy posts sitting on my PC now, just waiting to be posted.
Flute Boy would approve this post.
http://fluteboy.bumtasticq.servebeer.com:3600/I+am+Flute+Boy+and+I+approve+this+post%21
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-08 18:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.