A Double Saran Wrap Agent (737 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: work
Rating: 1.22 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Nugget (View user info) at 2004-05-08 23:58:46 EDT
I often find myself trying not to smile as I walk from my car to the front door of Best Buy in the morning. There's really no reason as to why I have this conflict almost every day. My mouth is starting to smile, then my brain says, "Corinne, dammit, what are you so happy about you freakin' dork...? Don't smile.".
The security guy comes and slides the door open, "hey" I say... letting myself smile a little, out of politeness. "What's up, Sunshine" or something of the sort is always said. No matter who opens the door, or the mood I'm in, they say this. They are being sarcastic, too. I have the reputation for not being a "morning person". Damn right I'm not.
(if they only knew I had to force myself to be rough and stuff with my... whatever, anyway...)
"HOLA! Como Estas!" says the cleaning guy, a huge smile plastered across his face, exposing his rotten teeth.
"Hola, Guido... muy bien... y tu?" I say. I must make note here that I am the ONLY person that talks to the cleaning crew. The only time I talked to any of them for any length of time was one Guido needed a cell phone. My highschool spanish leaves much to be desired when it comes to explaining how the system of Credit Checks and Deposits go.
On this particular morning, my manager comes up to me, also brandishing a huge smile. He's up to something. I frown and try to think. What's he so freakin' happy about?
"Eh... Morning, Corinne", he says. The overhead lights are only on half power, but just bright enough to add an evil glint to Steves eye. I continue to frown.
"What?", I say.
Guido pushes the floor polisher between Steve and I, giving me some time to compose myself. I try to remember anything I could have done wrong in the past few days... I hurriedly think of any customers I may have pissed off... my mind fumbles over projects I may have forgot to finish...
Nothin'... of course, I can't think of anything. I'm perfect.
He hands me a stack of photos. Cars. Pictures of cars? What? I look from the cars back up to Steves glinty eyes.
I repeat myself. "What?"
He laughs, and pulls the Industrial Strength Saran wrap from behind the counter. "When we're in our meeting today, I want you to saran wrap those cars!". Now, we all love Steve. He's a good manager, funny, compassionate, helpful, etc etc etc... but... What? Is he asking me to saran wrap CARS? Normally I'd say I'd do anything for this man... but... what?
Oh shit, it's April 1st, isn't it. Well, not today, but, the day that this is all happening, it was. Since I'm the honorary loud-mouth-jackass at our store, I guess he figured I'd be the perfect person to pull off the Job.
Oh, was I EVER.
Was. I. Ever.
I wait patiently for the day to progress. Steve and I share conspiring looks. I'm spazzing to the point of explosion. I'm so freakin' excited.
Why? I know I know... Saran Wrapping cars isn't that exciting, blah blah blah shutthehell up and just listen to my story, asswads.
The meeting starts. It's time to jam, baby.
I hurry outside, throwing away the Car Pictures on the way out the door. I don't need them.
Steves Jeep is parked out in the very far lot. It's his baby. That baby got wrapped. Ha, silly managers thinking I'm going to conspire with him against my lowly co-workers... not likely. I was a double-agent.
A Double Saran Wrap Agent.
I took a picture of my masterpiece with my phone, added the caption, "Ha ha SUCKER", punched in Steves number, and hit send. Man was I proud. I was smiling with abandon, giggling, blabbing to everyone how I double-crossed Steve. He came out of the meeting, phone in hand, walked right over to me and gave me a noogie... oh no, anything but THAT!
My mistake. I can never win, I swear.
I got out of work at 4. I got halfway to my car, and I noticed something was amiss. I got closer, and noticed the lump of saran wrap on my roof. Ohhhhh... big deal... That's his revenge? Bah, revenge! Then I saw the goo on my windows. What is that, Vasoline? With shreds of paper mixed in? Are those... bananas... in... my... tailpipe?
Looks like he put a lot of work into this! I laughed, took pictures, and went to hop in.
MotherFucker... Vasoline under the doorhandles. Looks like the work of a Pro. I wipe my hand on my khakis, and drive over to the Install Bay to use their hose. It took me over two hours to get most of the shit off my windshield. The next day I wanted to take my dog to the park. Opened the back door to usher him in.
Motherfucker. Vasoline under the doorhandles.
A few days later, I go to get pizza. Opened the door to put it on the passenger seat... yep... that doorhandle was violated, too. Needless to say, I spent a good week getting pissed off every time I opened a car door. No, I didn't wipe them off because I kept getting pissed off, getting in my car, getting more vasoline everywhere, trying to wipe it off my phone/dash/keys/steering-wheel... I'd just FORGET about the doorhandles. (I never said I was a logical person, did I?)
To this day I still have vasoline under 2 doorhandles. I still have it all over my rear-window. I still have smears of it on my dash.
One day I'll learn my lesson and stop thinking I can fuck with people...
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-05-10 10:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Scrape with what? I used my hand to get as much off as I could... (which wasn't much, but there was a LOT of vas. on the windows)... then i used papertowel and my hand to smear soap all over the windows... then I used a hose to wash that off...
Over and over.
I had no access to fancy tools such as "sponges".
Maybe I'll go try to get the rest off today. Now the vasoline is all dirty.
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-10 07:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Next time scrape the vasaline off the windows. Then wipe with a soapy sponge and rinse, repeating 2 or 3 times at the most. 10 minute job max.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-09 15:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mine are always steam of conciousness. I write in the submit box, minismed at work then quickly submit.
It shows.
Except R&V stuff. That's special.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-09 14:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-05-09 06:17:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
did you actually read it that time, Insane?
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what do you think?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-09 12:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When an idea hits me, I make my post in Word, then cut n paste later.
Right now, I have another Flute Boy post, and a few others waiting, just because I had a brainfart.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-05-09 11:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's so disjointed... I was so freakin' tired. I could have done way better on this if I had put any effort into it.
Which brings me to a question.
How long do you guys "perpare" to post? I typically think of an idea as I'm sitting here, looking at my computer screen. I type it in the "submit" box, sometimes I even run it through http://www.spellcheck.net (since I don't have ANYTHING on my computer that will spellcheck), and hit submit.
SOMETIMES I proofread it. SOMETIMES I hit "preview" first.
I know others who spend days thinking of ideas... hours perfecting their post... etc etc...
What do you do?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-09 07:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not quite a +2. But, better than average.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-05-09 06:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did you actually read it that time, Insane?
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-09 02:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-05-09 01:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boy, you sure are dumb.
Ha ha! Just kidding. You're cool.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-09 00:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-05-09 00:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor at best
Submitted by LambofGod (user info) at 2004-05-09 00:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lmao
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-05-09 00:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaa