Home Invasion (3397 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 67 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Loren (View user info) at 2004-05-10 16:09:25 EDT
There aren't many things in my life I cannot/will not take care of on my own.
I cook.
I clean.
I shop.
I pay my bills in full and on time.
I set my alarm and get to work on time every day.
I take out the trash.
I fill and replace the propane tanks for my grill.
I garden.
I bail myself out of jail.
I take care of myself when I'm sick.
I walk the dog.
I wash and wax my car and bring it in regularly for service.
I pump my own gas.
I can use a hammer and I know the difference between a flat head and Phillips head screwdriver.
Now, with this highly impressive (I know, it's not impressive) outline of my daily life as a single woman said, I now have to come clean and admit there is at least ONE thing I simply cannot do anymore. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older and more challenged by a task that make me want to vomit, or if in the past I've just been spoiled by having a man around to do it... and that is...
The killing and removal of the Common House Centipede.
We've discussed these vial creatures on Uber in the past. Specifically, Jared-Jmg114 made a post about how he screamed like a girl when he saw one, whereupon I graciously posted a link to a detailed picture of the centipede from the depths of hell in question:
http://www.uark.edu/depts/entomolo/museum/house_centipede.html
Well, this morning I was lucky enough to be greeted by one of these crustacean-like, crawl-space-dwelling spawns of Satan in my bathtub. It weighed in at an impressive 2.8 lbs, and measured over 8" long.
That's a lie.
It was about 2" long, and it's legs about 1/5" inches long each and plentiful.
My early morning went as follows:
6:45 am:
- Clicks on bathroom light
- What's that I saw out of the corner of my eye?
- Oh Jesus FUCKING Christ!
- NO!
- I can't take it.
- What am I going to do...?
- More cursing.
- Move at lightning speed through house into supply room and locate can of RAID.
- Thank God for small favors, there's plenty of juice.
- Shake well.
- Return quickly to scene of invasion.
- Spray enough RAID on offending mutant centipede to kill a horse.
- Dry heave several times violently, pleading "Oh my God!" between diaphram contractions and tearing eyes.
- Mammoth centipede struggles and scrambles to climb sides of tub frantically - I grab plunger in an attempt to trap it in a dark dome of toxic death.
- Several 1.5" long legs decorate bottom of tub... BUT at last - SUCCESS!
6:50 am:
Done.
I washed my hair in the kitchen sink this morning.
I have a friend coming over after work today to get rid of the monster in the tub. A male friend.
Every time I think about that damned bug I get itchy and want to scream. I'm almost afraid to go home. I hope my dog is OK.
This is something I mocked up that represents my morning. If I wasn't dry-heaving from the fumes and thoroughly grossed out in general, I would have taken a digital shot. The problem is, I don't have a zoom lens, and I'm not about to get close to that thing again unless it's absolutely necessary.
User Reviews
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2004-05-30 18:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, that's a picture of my bathroom!!!one!
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-05-27 12:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"- Dry heave several times violently, pleading "Oh my God!" between diaphram contractions and tearing eyes"
The label on the can of Raid specifically warns that you should remove your diaphragm before spraying the affected area.
Submitted by repsik (user info) at 2004-05-27 10:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
These links have nothing to do with anything. Kill yourself.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-26 14:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If these things you do by your own are not impressive, why list them ? Aren't they what normal people do ? Oh right, you're a woman.
Apart this, nice post.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-05-25 15:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I love LOREN.
Come visit me and rock my world...please.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-21 18:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-21 09:45:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Rixes, I've got to thank you. Until you came along I was running dangerously low on teenaged Uber-stalkers. Thanks for replenishing the Din.
Great, another concieted bitch that thinks the world revolves around her. As I said, show me one post with proof, wait....you have none...aww too bad, still a dumb bitch.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-21 09:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rixes, I've got to thank you. Until you came along I was running dangerously low on teenaged Uber-stalkers. Thanks for replenishing the Din.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-20 21:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for saying I retaliate on people.(yes I get the irony) This is the one and only time I have given a negatvie rating to someone in retribution. Don't talk bullshit about people you lying bitch. Show me some proof that I go after people who rate my posts negative.
Submitted by repsik (user info) at 2004-05-19 21:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're fat and I hope you die.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-19 09:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good memory Mick.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-18 18:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My boyfriend is a twit, and he left food in one of those red and white portable coolers. For 6 months. I didn't know when I found it. I was all gleeful- HONEY!~ I FOUND THE COOLER! And when I opened it was smacked in the face with a tribe of fruit flies. Nastiest. Fucking. Thing. Ever. Did I mention the maggots? I actually screamed like a girl (i am one, so it's allowed) and flung it across the room, forgetting to close it before I did. Let's just say Dave used a lot of paper towels. And Lysol. The things wouldn't die. Nice post by the way. Vomat.
Submitted by R.P.McMurphy (user info) at 2004-05-18 17:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-05-27 08:49:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Honey, you've GOT to redo that floor. Ugh. Lenolium in the bathroom just isn't right.
Good for you for posting this pic though. And thanks, I'm really turned on now.
Loren
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-18 17:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
RPMcM-
"you just seem like a pedestal sink, clawfoot tub, corner shower stall, one piece commode type of gal. "
BTW - Thanks. I am. And no, I don't remember why you'd think that... tell me? Please?
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-18 16:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
McMurphy -
"This is something I mocked up that represents my morning."
That means it's not my bathroom. I stole some images from Alta vista photo search results.
I would NEVER have a bathroom that looks like that. I'm much more conservative and classy w/my decorating.
I have a plain, clear shower curtain. I'd like glass doors, but they're a little pricey...
Submitted by R.P.McMurphy (user info) at 2004-05-18 15:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dunno why but it surprises me that you would have a shower curtain. not to mention 70's french provincial inlay vanity, formica counter top, and 70's avacado green fixtures.
you just seem like a pedestal sink, clawfoot tub, corner shower stall, one piece commode type of gal.
do you remember why i would bring this up?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
EWWWWWWWW.....!!!
those are the nastiest things ever! I can't stand anything with more
than six legs.... EWWWWWWW......
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus fucking Christ.
That pic better be faked.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2004-05-14 21:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Naturey shower curtains attract cenepedes.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-05-13 04:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-11 10:47:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
coley -
"No offense, Loren, but this dude's got low standards. "
He read between the lines where I wrote that I also have a tight ass and give great head.
Moron.
---------
As do I.
Are we that few and far between?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-05-12 21:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate those things.
The other day I was at this little coffee shop by my apartment and out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of those things crawling on the wall right next to me.
I got up and killed it and then flexed for all the ladies in the room. Little did they know, I was crying inside.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-05-12 16:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So much for seeing you on Fear Factor.
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2004-05-12 09:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha. I just read your comment about the wolf spider. I also ran into one of those in my ex's basement. They are like fucking tarantulas. I am now thinking he had some type of odd experiment going on in his basement. The "lets see what it takes to get me to shit my pants" experiment.
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2004-05-12 09:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA! There are jobs that are meant only for men, killing centipedes is one of them. I was on my ex- boyfriends couch in his basement one time. I was just lying there minding my own business when a fucking centipede fell from somewhere on me!! It was probably the worst thing to happen to me. shiver. I just shivered thinking about it.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-11 10:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
coley -
"No offense, Loren, but this dude's got low standards. "
He read between the lines where I wrote that I also have a tight ass and give great head.
Moron.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-11 04:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know exactly what you mean.
I can do near enough all things all by myself... except deal with dead animals in the garden - and we get a few as I have a cat who likes beheading creatures and then giving me the bit thats left.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-05-11 02:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny Loren.
Look at it this way, you are 100 gagillion times the size of that little bug. All you need to do is squish it with your foot. It's easy. Bugs are cool. You can learn alot about them by watching what they do.
Just try not to think about them crawling into your mouth while you are asleep. :)
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes. Thankfully my cat hunts and kills any bugs that enter the house.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to scratch my arms and legs about 8 times while reading this because I swore I felt bug legs crawling on me.
Submitted by FreakySockPuppet (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate those things too. For the longest time I didn't know what they were, I just thought they were some mutant bug or something. I haven't seen a picture on here that me made laugh, but yours sure did. Nice work.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For those saying that these bugs "aren't as bad", ALL BUGS ARE TO BE FEARED AND LOATHED.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh.
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is sickening, I don't blame you.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-05-10 20:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where is Ripley and her kick-ass blowtorch when you need her?
When I was six years old I threw a rock at a Daddy Long Legs
Too bad it was perched on a window.
My parents will never let me foret it.
Submitted by anarki_2k2 (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you know whats funny? http://www.ubersite.com/m/32697
Submitted by captainsbread (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo on the picture, thats stunningly very close to actual truth! Good post too. I hate spiders and they live in my bathroom and watch my shower... what is up with these little perverts trying to catch a peek of us in the bathroom? Peeping Insects, Next sick sad world!
Submitted by mumbo_jumbo (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geez
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If all I'd have to do is kill bugs....
Consider this your 2nd marriage proposal.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ, +2 for that picture!
How's life Loren?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-10 18:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks a lot! Now I'm going to imagine them everywhere I step for the next week. Bastards. I hate them!
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-10 18:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-10 18:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohmygodyoubitcthatpicturesucks!!!!
Great post.
My mom was over on Sunday for a BBQ. I was standing at the sink when I felt a tickle on my bare shoulder. Damn tank top....it was some sort of critter I don't have a name for. Black and beetle like. ON MY FUCKING SHOULDER!!! It was staring me right in the eye, and it laughed! I know it laughed, I HEARD it laugh damnit. So I screamed like a girl, my mom killed(while screaming like a girl) it and my husband laughed hysterically, I assume at our girly screaming. His day is coming.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:08:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
I cook.
I clean.
I shop.
I pay my bills in full and on time.
I set my alarm and get to work on time every day.
I take out the trash.
I fill and replace the propane tanks for my grill.
I garden.
I bail myself out of jail.
I take care of myself when I'm sick.
I walk the dog.
I wash and wax my car and bring it in regularly for service.
I pump my own gas.
I can use a hammer and I know the difference between a flat head and Phillips head screwdriver.
Will you marry me?
----------------
No offense, Loren, but this dude's got low standards.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Insects with that many legs are bound to cause strange reactions.
When I was in Hawaii, we ran into a millipede, which are huge. Fucking freaked us out. The boys had to step up and crush it with a rock, afterwards we took pictures of this huge creature next to a quarter, and it was pretty close to that wide across and about 6 inches long. Still gives me the chills. I guess at least it wasn't in the bathtub.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cook.
I clean.
I shop.
I pay my bills in full and on time.
I set my alarm and get to work on time every day.
I take out the trash.
I fill and replace the propane tanks for my grill.
I garden.
I bail myself out of jail.
I take care of myself when I'm sick.
I walk the dog.
I wash and wax my car and bring it in regularly for service.
I pump my own gas.
I can use a hammer and I know the difference between a flat head and Phillips head screwdriver.
Will you marry me?
Submitted by kireisarah (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I saw one of these things I would actually scream and pass out. Brrrr.
The pictures you posted on JMG's post are actually going to give me nightmares.
And now my head itches! *cry*
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:34:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Guys, trust me on this one. Even my ex boyfriend got freaked out over these particular bugs. Anyone who lives in an are that they're common in will agree with me. Maybe I should put this one in a jar for you Razor? It could be annie's new pet...
I grew up in a converted farm house and there were huge spiders (wolf spiders) around all the time.
I could put a container over them, slip some paper underneath and get rid of them. It's not something I like to do, but I can do it.
- these bugs are far worse IMO, and if you read up on them, they are venomous and will bite. Argh.
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The ones that live in rain forests have venom on their feet and thats how they kill their prey.
Those bastards take a flight up and look for the people that are afraid of them. Its like radar.
Everyone I know of thats not afraid of a certain bug will never see them. Meanwhile the ones Im scared shitless of, are always knocking on the door saying hey...
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks Gent - it's been churning in my mind since i thought about it...i think i'll have to read it again to refresh myself
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:29:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to agree with BongZilla on this one... centipedes are not very high on the list of bugs that cause a fight or flight reaction.
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What, may I ask, causes a fight or flight reaction of you bug wise then? Centipedes and Millipedes are the most horrifying of the insect realm. They are right there with spiders. I dont care what kind of spider, centipede or millipede I see, I will run screaming like a lil bitch in the complete opposite direction.
Its so bad that Ive actually swerved into the shoulder on 287, nearly killing hundreds of people on the road, just so I could safely jump out of my car, get all the willies out, get up enough courage to look in my car, and maybe try killing a spider or drive so horrified home that I refuse to open the window. Because we all know spiders attack from windows while driving.
You are brave for using something as short as a plunger. I usually use some sort of spray bottle with some sort of cleaning agent that can shoot in a stream for anything with 8 or more legs.
Remember that spider I posted about a while ago? Yeah well noone in my house killed it and it disappeared shortly after I took that picture. You reminded me about it and now Im afraid to go outside and have a ciggarette again. Or force me to powersmoke because I cant go without a smoke at least once at night.
God Im getting the willies.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:48:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I found Jared's post:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/13607
I can't believe he and I used so many of the same words to describe this thing... Satan... mutant....
I hadn't seen that post in a LONG time. Hysterical.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit that's a centipede??? I saw one of those run across the wall in my apartment once and I almost moved out that night. I didn't know what the hell it was. It was even harder to recognize once it was squished into a gelatinous(sp?) substance. Ok, whew... I thought it was some weird-ass cross between a spider and a demon or somethin'. I always thought centipedes were like worms with lotsa legs, which aren't so bad cause at least they look like something I know I can take. Thanks!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:41:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHAH Gent -
The big bad bug bled red blood.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yuck.
Did Jonukah tell you about my bug incidents the other weekend. You saw me kill the monstrous ant with my bare hand, which illicited a "Man, I can't believe you just did that." Later there was a spider that I was trying to get rid of and it started to try and crawl up my hand from the bottle it was on. I screamed and dropped the bottle, which illicited a "I think that is the girliest thing I have ever seen you do."
It is all about the type of bug.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SR-
Metamorphesis, by Kafka.
I killed one of these in my place a couple weeks ago. It's kind of unnerving to be sitting there and suddenly see one of these monsterous bastards out of the corner of your eye. I squashed him in a paper towel and looked at it afterwards and saw the monster had bled red blood. I thought that was weird.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Guys, trust me on this one. Even my ex boyfriend got freaked out over these particular bugs. Anyone who lives in an are that they're common in will agree with me. Maybe I should put this one in a jar for you Razor? It could be annie's new pet...
I grew up in a converted farm house and there were huge spiders (wolf spiders) around all the time.
I could put a container over them, slip some paper underneath and get rid of them. It's not something I like to do, but I can do it.
- these bugs are far worse IMO, and if you read up on them, they are venomous and will bite. Argh.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to agree with BongZilla on this one... centipedes are not very high on the list of bugs that cause a fight or flight reaction.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SR - Did you accidentally cite Vonnegut?
I think you should call animal control on that creature.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That would be fucking scary as hell if you saw something as big as the thing in that picture.
I would shat myself.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1) Grow up you big baby. 2) There are certain home insects which one can be freaked out/grossed out by, those being: Spiders (particularly black windows), spiders, wasps, hornets, bees, and spiders. Centipedes are not on that list. From what I gathered according to the informational website you posted, centipedes are rather helpful bugs, killng spiders, cockroaches and other various vermin. So in order, sack it up you pansy.
+1 because Raid is awesome.
-BongZilla
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was picturing a slightly smaller centipede monster when I was reading the post, but that picture scared the fuck out of me as well.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
they seem pretty neat to me.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Method -
Yeah, well, don't feel so bad. Look at what I have to go home to.
If my Chihuahua is missing, I will know what happened.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i read a book in high school about a guy who turns into a giant roach. i think it was called metamorphesis or something? im probably way the fuck off.
i was a stoner when i read it so i cant remember anything except that i think it was supposed to be that he didnt really turn into a bug just that his family was ignoring him or something...
damn i wasted those years...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddammit Loren, I hate bugs, and that picture creeped me the fuck out. I keep glancing over my shoulder into my bathtub now.
Thanks, dick.