When to be a Man, and When to Run Screaming Like a Bitch (1789 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Anthony Locascio (View user info) at 2004-05-10 16:39:49 EDT
There comes a time in every man's life when he has to be a MAN, not because he really is one, but because a gorgeous chick is watching. If it wasn't for gorgeous women, men wouldn't bother rock climbing, moon missions, or boxing. We'd sit around and play Madden 2004. Why? Because there are no cold beers on the bare granite rock face of a mountain. So why do men bother climbing mountains and the like? Because women don't have sex with men for playing Madden 2004.
College, as most people here know, is a man's gateway to the realm of boobies. Okay, I don't know that for certain, but that's how it is in Florida. A staple of every Florida college are little tiny cotton shorts with the logo across the ass. And never was there a better model for those shorts than the illustrious Barbara. The first apartment I ever rented off campus was a studio smaller than most prison cells, but for some reason a fellow resident was this thirty-something Brazilian woman. She had a MAJOR Mrs. Robinson thing going on, and like all Brazilian women, loved to sunbathe in the most miniscule thong bathing suit.
On my way to my cell....oops, I mean apartment, one day, I walked past an open door and heard the sweet call of a distressed female waft out....
"Excuse me? Can you please help me?"
I've lost track of how many porno videos begin with those lines. When I leaned into the apartment to see who had called, I saw the illustrious Barbara curled up on her bed, in the aforementioned cotton shorts and a skimpy top. If Ron Jeremy showed up right then, I would definitely have body-blocked his ass over the railing. My curiosity piqued, I strolled in, trying to affect my hugely unused cool-demeanor. I expected something nonchalant and sexy to come out of my mouth, something like "What's happening, baby?" or "What's the 411?" Instead, I got "Can I help you with something ma'am?" If any phrase was less likely to get me blown, I don't know what it is.
She pointed to the ground. "Can you get that out of here please?" I followed her finger...to the most horrid, horrid monstrosity I've ever seen in my life. As a martial artist and wrestler, I've faced down some absolutely massive guys, including the South African national judo champion. But the vile creature that had inflitrated her apartment was no man. If none of you have ever seen a katydid, it's basically a giant grasshopper with wings shaped like a leaf. I was so terrified of this thing, I almost piddled and started sucking my thumb. If that thing had been in my apartment, I would have run screaming and thrown myself off the balcony just to get away from it. Immediately, the fear center of my brain and my penis began a face-off:
Brain: OH MY GOD! IT'S HIDEOUS! HIDEOUS!
Penis: Don't be a fucking pussy. Pick it up and throw it over the balcony.
Brain: IT WILL KILL US! I WILL NOT TOUCH IT!
Penis: It doesn't even have any teeth. It can't hurt you in the slightest. Now do you want to get blown or not?
Brain: IT'S HORRID AND I.....blowjob?
Penis: Yup.
Brain: Oh God, I can't believe I'm doing this.
Trying to keep my sexual urges up and over my rabid, morbid fear of this THING, I asked her for a paper towel. She pointed and I took one, meaning to scoop the thing up and throw it over the balcony. Her cat, which I learned later had originally brought the thing into the apartment, explodes from under the bed and scooped it up in its mouth, starting to maul the thing in that way that cats do - not so as to kill it, but just to cause it pain and fear. I took the paper towel roll and knocked the cat on the head and then grabbed up the horrible, horrible bug. It was twisting and fluttering. I almost vomited.
Barbara got up off the bed. She's obviously grateful and....what's that? Is she giving me the eye? SHE IS. "Would you like a Corona?" she asked. Would I? THen the bug twitched again, and my penis was no longer able to argue, having shriveled up inside me to rest under my lungs. I realized that if I didn't put this THING down, and soon, I was going to freak out. "Um, no thanks, I gotta go." I bolted out the door. Five feet out of her door, I felt one it's legs snap in my hand and I totally flipped out and threw it over railing, shrieking like a bitch. I realized, in thinking about it later, that I got the absolute worst of all worlds. Not only had I not gotten laid, but I'd touched that THING. My manhoood, to this day, is irreparably damaged by that thing. But I still love Brazilian women in thongs.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-22 08:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-07-08 18:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-08 14:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-29 16:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jujitsu guys aren't afraid of bugs. Tsk Tsk. Perhaps I can help;
www.geocities.com/vancouverfightclub
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-10-29 16:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That was awesome.
*cough http://www.ubersite.com/m/49790 cough*
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-10-29 16:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny, but please, I ate a grasshopper for $5 one time on a dare.
grasshopper ≈ katydid
you would never get past the 2nd round of fear factor. wuss.
Submitted by cadchick (user info) at 2004-07-15 18:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You made me shudder and laugh out loud all at once!
Submitted by screan (user info) at 2004-07-15 17:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't believe a tough-guy/martial artist/wrestler is afraid of an exotic-looking insect. How large is this beast? (in millimetres please). ^^
Submitted by Val at 2004-05-16 02:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Five feet out of her door, I felt one it's legs snap in my hand and I totally flipped out and threw it over railing, shrieking like a bitch."
Because of you, I need a new chair. I would have needed new pants, too, but I wasn't wearing any.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-16 01:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this insect is rather beautiful.
But whatever, this post has it all !
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-05-12 19:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha, this is great.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-11 07:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not exactly that scary, but it's a funny post anyway.
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-11 07:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Can you get that out of here please?"
No, it lives here.
--Problem solved--
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a funny man!
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love college in Florida.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-10 20:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, that is the most NON-scary bug I have ever seen.
But this post was fucking gold!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-05-10 20:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you wimp. claim that they can carry diseases, get a net, get the katydid, and get laid. or run screaming like a bitch. yep. shoulda gone with the first one. or something like that- im not making much sense. good post.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-05-10 20:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How could you not include the MILF you spoke of? Bastard....
Submitted by Evilia (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome. I don't blame you... well, sort of.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You pussy. I love you.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was gonna plus 2 you just for the title, but then I read the post.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-10 18:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-05-10 18:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jimbo: I'm not saying you and the other good writers on this site haven't influenced and improved me, but "shriek" was exactly what I was doing at the time. That, and shaking my hand to get off all the filthy bug germs.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-10 18:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
solid writing dude.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-10 17:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is hillarious
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you gonna go back for a corona?
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can be honest with me, brother.
You started using the word "shriek" rather than "scream", "yell", or "shout", because of me, didn't you?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohhh the goldenness of this moment....
" I totally flipped out and threw it over railing, shrieking like a bitch."
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good read.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Loren is being a hit whore!!! Just kiddding Loren.
Submitted by kireisarah (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What's with all the bug posts today? Yech.
+2 for a good post.
-1 for nasty bugs that I now keep seeing out of the corner of my eye.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahah
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for great writing
-1 for you being a pussy, pussy.
Submitted by Maleficent1 (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Omg, I laughed, I cried. Hilarious---nice writing
Submitted by Kleant (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha that was gold
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only time I need men to really act like men is when something like this is happening:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32674
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More like katydidn't!!!!!!!
AAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me cry.
Beautiful, man. Beautiful.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-10 16:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i opt for choice b.