Take Me To the River, Drop Me in the Water (Long) (727 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.28 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Krystal <imtheluckystar.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-10 16:58:08 EDT
Ahhh, the river. El Rio. Promises of a fun weekend. And it was. It was great actually, as great as a trip including extended family can get, regardless of the ongoing war between my aunt and my grandma's husband. (Grandma's husband cuts his leg as soon as we get there, aunt hands him first aid kit and says 'there are tiny little band-aids in there too, in case you cut your dick. This was the nicest thing she said to him all weekend, very entertaining)
Anyways. Saturday night after a long hot day on the boat and in the water, we decide to go out to a 'nice' dinner, as nice as a campground in Yuma, Arizona can be.
Have you been to the river? River people are odd. Not the people who vacation there, no they're normal. River-people, the year rounders, forced to live there, no hope of ever leaving the desolation. Reminds me of Austin Powers "Carnies, small hands, smell like cabbage".
So we go to the restaurant. I should have suspected something when i noticed a sign that said 'Please leave firearms at the door. Firearms not permitted in bar" Instead I nodded and decided that was understandable.
We walk through the bar, past the hookers and army guys, to the restaurant. We are greeted by a hostess, wearing sweat pants, a greasy ponytail, T-shirt with no bra, and mismatched flip flops. I kid you not. She was about 5' tall and weighing in at 250lbs. She looked flummoxed at our party of 9, and went to get seating for us.
Then comes our waitress. I forget her name.. probably Luanne-May or something really white trashy.. She is also really fat with bleach blond greasy hair, dirty canvas keds, no socks, short shorts (sight will haunt me forever) and an OCC shirt. Grandma's husband asks if she watches American Chopper, and she looks clueless and says "naw it was 3/$10 shirts at the swap meet" Fair enough.
My cousin, Brandon, decided to get soup with his meal.
"The soup's crap," said our eloquent waitress. Then she started laughing. My mom asked what kind of soup, and Luanne-May said it doesn't matter, it's all crap. To prove it to us, she yelled accross the whole room: "Gramma..Gramma," (couldn't get the old deaf bag's attention for three tries). Finally a feeble "..yeeeeah.........???" "Gramma, how's the soup?" "Crap." the old lady said bluntly. I was wondering how bad the soup could be if the owner AND cook wouldn't even reccomend it.
So we all got salads....
My mom asked how the fajitas were. According to Luanne-May, they were crap. She brought the busboy over to prove her point. "yeeesss, (in a heavy mexican accent) eees crap."
Actually, according to the waitress, EVERYTHING was crap, and we never should have COME there in the first place.
I got the halibut.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-11 07:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Flummoxed to white trashy in five seconds. Weird.
Submitted by MakisupaPoliceman (user info) at 2004-05-10 19:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fools its an Al Green song...
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-05-10 18:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the Talking Heads
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-05-10 18:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nerf--like i said below..i was on the phone and forgot a lot of stuff-wasn't concentraiting- it was long when it happened...
and no i didn't get the screaming shits, it was pretty good, actually...for crap, that is
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy shit, if everything is crap...go with grilled cheese and pray you don't die. NEVER choose fish in a place like that. Unless you like having the screaming shits?
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just so you know, this should not be labelled as a "long" post.
But it is fairly good.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was on the phone when I posted and forgot to add this last part...
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When our food was ready another waitress helped Luanne-May bring out our food. The woman reminded me of Large Marge from PeeWee's big adventure.. She had a lovely teased mullet with crunchy bangs and a teal muscle tank and no bra (she was just Reallybored's type) and some black spandex stirrup pants with cut outs down her whole leg, allowing her bulging flesh and tattoos to show. I asked my mom to buy me some like that.
We decided it was time to go when the other crackhead busboy asked "Hey you're from California? Do you know any movie stars?"
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The End
Submitted by Chuck (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for using a lyric from Talking Heads as your title
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-10 17:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Perhaps you should slow down a bit, but other than that it was a pretty funny story.