For I Have Tasted the Fruit (3116 hits)
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Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-05-10 21:20:16 EDT
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Entry 1
"Hearken unto me, my fellow men, for I have tasted the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and I have much wisdom to impart.""OK Shakespeare, why don't you stop being so melodramatic and just hand out the fuckin' pills?"
That first guy was Ed Branch. Ed was the man with the pharmaceuticals. He was always trying to be funny, because being funny for people covered his insecurities in social situations. What Ed didn't know, what none of us knew, what none of us could have possibly known, was that he was actually being prophetic that night.
It was the beginning of the end of my innocence. It was before the drugs, before the sex, before all the murders.
The end of my innocence, of course, is only the middle of the story, but any story properly told begins at the beginning or at least winds up there eventually.
When I was sixteen years old my parents paid for me to get laser eye surgery.
It was a reward for the end of my sophomore year of high school. I was halfway through and I had managed to pull a perfect 4.0 average both years in advanced classes.
I grew up in a family so normal it was surreal. I swear to God, my parents would have had exactly 2.4 children if it were humanly possible. Mom and Dad were both very successful scientists, and I was expected to follow in their footsteps. I don't ever recall wanting for anything.
Wait... stop right there; I know what you're thinking. Every time a serial killer gets caught they turn out to be a white male whose family seemed perfectly normal but secretly abused him from his early childhood or maybe he had a weird uncle that stuck dead goats in his freezer or something.
Well, you're wrong.
First of all, I'm a woman. Secondly, I'm Japanese. Also, the killings had nothing to do with my upbringing whatsoever.
Oh yeah, and I never got caught. I mean, I'm writing this story so it will be published and I guess that means the cat's out of the bag and everything, but what can anyone do to me? I'm ninety-three years old, and I've been told by my doctor that the cancer has spread throughout my body and I have less than six months to live.
Don't worry. I'm not telling my story to clear my conscience or prepare myself spiritually for death or any of that bullshit. It's just that now that there is no possible way anyone could take retribution against me, I want to impart some of the lessons I learned from biting that fruit.
One thing is for sure, the juice is bittersweet.
So there I was growing up in this family, this perfectly normal family, and it rubbed off on me. I never snuck out of my parents' house at three in the morning to go meet up with some boys. I did my chores. I pulled perfect grades at school.
My biggest flirtation with rebellion was living vicariously through Holden Caulfield while reading Catcher In The Rye. I thought evil was what Gandalf the Grey fought against.
Boy was I stupid.
Anyway, my parents thought I had done a bang-up job in school thus far so they decided to let medical science fix up the eyes nature had seen fit to give me.
No longer wearing glasses was the first step.
I pretty much looked like the classic geek up until that point. Rumpled, out of style clothing, thick glasses, embarrassing haircut, those kinds of things. I also had a tendency to slouch and not look people in the eye back then. To be honest, I was afraid of other people... growing up, I always felt that they knew something I didn't, that they were part of some club I didn't belong to.
That's not to say I didn't have any friends at all. I had one. Her name was Kylie, and our parents had been living next door to each other since before we were even born.
Kylie was pretty much my polar opposite. She skipped school, snuck out of the house, drank, went out with boys, you name it. Her clothes were trendy; she was very pretty, and very popular. She made new friends really easily, and was invited to parties on a pretty regular basis.
I was envious of her, but it was not a spiteful envy. I just wanted to BE her.
When she saw me without glasses for the first time, she decided that it was time for a geek reclamation project. In the space of six hours, she cut my hair short and died it green, got me a tight fitting outfit from Hot Topic, and plastered makeup on my face.
We were both amazed at the results. It turns out that underneath the glasses and frumpy clothes, the hunched shoulders and the cast down gaze, a sexy little thing had been living all that time. My parents, if they had been able to see me, would have had a heart attack. In fact, they pretty much did when I got home the next morning, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Kylie took me out to a party that very night. The seniors who had just graduated were celebrating, at least the popular ones anyway, and of course Kylie had been invited by about twenty different people even though she was only a sophomore.
I called my parents and told them that I was sleeping over at Kylie's, and just like that we were sprung. Her father was always traveling and her mother was a career alcoholic, so there was nobody to keep an eye on us.
The party was the most fun I ever recall having in my life. As we walked around the house, the guys were actually looking right past Kylie and staring at ME. A couple of guys... these are guys I had gone to school with and everything... actually asked me where I was visiting from.
And of course there was one guy in particular.
Scott Rice was a guy I had spent the last two years of my life dreaming about. There was no way I could have ever had him, and I knew it. Scott dated cheerleaders like Jessica Myers. He was tall, handsome, popular, and had no clue whatsoever that I existed.
Until the night of the party.
The two of them had broken up a couple of weeks before the end of the school year. I didn't know it at the time, but he was looking for a piece of ass to last for the summer until he went to University of Michigan.
And I was the perfect target.
When he crossed the room and started talking to me, I had no clue what to do or how to react. I was in total awe of him, and he picked up on it quickly. Before long, he had squirreled me away into a corner and was letting me talk, assuring me that I didn't sound geeky, making little compliments when the chance arose.
That's when Kylie found us.
She walked over, and let us know that there was a private "smoking session" going on upstairs. The two of them dragged me along, and we made our way to a bedroom where a bong was being packed with pot and passed around among a small group of people.
Now, up until that point in my life, I had never even SEEN drugs before. I didn't really know what to make of it, but Kylie seemed perfectly content as she lit it up and inhaled. She passed it to Scott, and Scott passed it to me.
It never even occurred to me to say no. I mean, sure I knew I wasn't supposed to, but twenty four hours ago I couldn't have gotten Scott Rice to notice me if I had tripped him in the hall, and here I was now and he was caressing my hand as he helped me light up.
Being stoned for the first time is a different experience for everyone, or at least that's what I've gathered from talking to people about it. For me, it took the last of my inhibitions away. The whole situation was so surreal that I simply was acting without thinking - there was nothing in my experience to fall back upon.
After some discussion, everyone in the room decided to ditch the party and go back to Scott's house. His parents didn't care one way or the other as long as nobody woke them up.
Once we got there, we smoked a little more pot, and the atmosphere was frankly getting kind of sexual. Scott kept whispering things in my ear and then nibbling on it. After a little discussion, Ed brought up the idea of doing some ecstasy.
I didn't even know what ecstasy was at the time, but I do now. Ecstasy was originally developed by MERCK pharmaceuticals for use as a dietary supplement for overweight people. It is called MDMA for short, or 3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine if you're a chemist like me. It belongs to a family of drugs called entactogens, which literally means "touching within."
You know that feeling that you get when you are on the receiving end of really good oral sex and your eyes close and there is nothing but you and the pleasure? Taking ecstasy is kind of like that, only your eyes are wide open and the pleasure isn't localized... it is coming from every pore in your body in wave after glorious wave, and it's going to last for eight hours and there's nothing you can do to stop it. If you've ever had a moment in your life where you were perfectly content, and you bottled it up, concentrated it, then dried it out, crushed it into a powder, and made it into a pill, you'd have ecstasy.
So everyone else was totally up for the idea, and there's Scott blowing in my ear and telling me it will be the best time of my life, and Kylie's smiling and nodding, and so of course I agreed, which brings us back to where I started, with Ed Branch trying to be funny only he's kind of talking about the end of my childhood, even though nobody knew it then.
Forty-five minutes later I was in Scott's bedroom, which of course was his plan all along. He was kissing all over my neck, and playing with my nipples, and here I am on ecstasy, and the pleasure is so overwhelming I have already lost pretty much all sense of self and that rational part of my mind, the part that says "Walking out into the street in front of a moving car will kill you" was pretty much just along for the ride.
It took about ten seconds from the time unbuttoned my pants and started touching my clitoris before I had my first orgasm. We made love for hours that night, and I fell asleep in his arms.
When I woke up the next morning, head pounding, I could hardly believe that any of it was real. How did I, of all people, end up in bed lying next to Scott Rice? I remember looking down and seeing his penis because the covers were on the floor, and being embarrassed by it. Then I remembered what he had done with it, repeatedly, the night before, and the memory of the pleasure caused a little aftershock to ripple across my chest.
Where was any of this in all the books I had read, all the things my parents had taught me about life? I felt a little stab of anger when I thought about the fact that everything I had relied on to teach me about the world was full of shit. Then Scott stirred, and opened his eyes, and smiled at me, and I forgot all about anger.
The next month was kind of a whirlwind. Most of the time when Scott and I weren't having sex we were hanging out with his three best friends, Ed Branch, Mark Bowers and Paul Clarke. Kylie was dating Mark before long, and we all kicked around together.
My parents, aside from an argument about the green hair, pretty much had no idea what was going on. I had given them no reason not to trust me.
The thing I hadn't counted on, my fatal miscalculation if you will, was Jessica Myers. As far as villains go, she was no Iago, but even a shallow little spiteful teenager can inflict great harm when motivated by jealousy.
Which brings us to our first lesson, the first thing I really learned after having lost my innocence. I warn you now, if you keep reading, you too will learn what good and evil actually are, and you will not be able to wander back into Eden pleading ignorance.
Lesson #1: That which does not kill you makes you stronger.
Jessica Myers, you may recall, was the ex-girlfriend of the new center of my universe. Even though she was the one that did the breaking up, when she found out that I was sleeping with him, she was driven into a rage.
The first thing she did was start fucking him again. The slut did it for the first time while I was sitting hung over in an SAT prep course my parents were making me take. For most people, that would have been enough... to win her man back and vanquish her foe.
Not Jessica Myers. She was one twisted bitch, and if, when you finish reading this, you think that it's me that's twisted, just remember that if not for Jessica and her little plan of revenge, I would have probably been hurt, gotten a little "other fish in the sea" speech from Kylie, and moved on with my normal life.
But that's not how it happened. Jessica Myers decided that nothing less than complete and utter humiliation would do for her adversary, so at a party a couple of days later she got Scott to slip a roofie into my drink. In case you don't know what a roofie is, the real name of the drug is Rohypnol. It's used around the world as a sleeping pill for surgery. Like other benzodiazepines, Rohypnol leaves its consumer open to suggestion and physically weak. It's also got the neat side effect of wiping out your memory of what happened while you were under its influence.
Isn't science neat?
I woke up the next morning to Kylie slapping me around and screaming about how I had betrayed her friendship. I was sore and completely blank. Try as I might, I could remember nothing about the night before.
Turns out that after I got slipped the roofie, Scott and his friends took turns having sex with me. The best part is, Jessica took pictures of the whole thing. Pretty much everyone in my high school who was not a total geek got to see photographs of me getting it on with four different guys. And there was no way I could press any kind of charges, not with pictures of me taking it and smiling. In my defense, I'm sure at the time I thought I was only sleeping with Scott.
I spent the rest of the summer in my room not talking to anyone. Somehow my parents never found out... they were used to me spending all of my free time reading and writing in my journal and they respected my privacy too much to do much more than casually ask why I wasn't talking to Kylie anymore.
This is the part where you expect me to sit in my room and cry myself to sleep every night. OK, I'll admit it; I did at first, but only for about three days.
The guilt and the pain gave way quickly, not to healing and acceptance, but to bitter rage and a desire to exact retribution far beyond anything the criminal justice system might have provided.
Ed Branch, Mark Bowers, Paul Clarke, Scott Rice, and Jessica Myers. Especially Jessica Myers.
I spent the summer of my sixteenth year of life plotting out how I might kill them. It's not so easy to just walk up and shoot them in the middle of the night them when everyone who goes to your high school knows they humiliated you. How long do you think it would have taken before someone told the police what happened?
Lesson #2: Patience is a virtue.
The first thing I did was wait. I let everyone gradually forget about it, and let them think I was humbled and afraid, let them think I had put it behind me. Kylie and I made up, once she calmed down enough to talk to me and find out what had actually happened. I finished high school, getting a 1600 on my SATs and a perfect 4.0 throughout high school.
I went to Stanford on a full ride to study chemistry.
Lesson #3: Stay In School.
You learn a lot of interesting things when you major in chemistry. You learn about the properties of certain chemicals, how they work, why they do the things they do.
Take nicotine for example. Nicotine is an interesting chemical. A single drop of nicotine is enough to send a human being into cardiac arrest. It's such a strong stimulant that the heart beats faster and faster until it just can't handle it any more and the blood vessels burst.
Did you know that if take a pack of cigarettes, pull the cigarettes out of the pack, put them in a glass of water, cover the whole thing in saran wrap, and let it sit overnight, the water will absorb all the nicotine?
That is how I killed Paul Clarke. He went to UCLA to play football. I went to UCLA four years after he raped me with nicotine-laced water that I combined with Gatorade mix and sugar to disguise the bitter taste.
By this time, I had regrown my hair and let it return to its natural black. Just to be safe, I stopped off at the campus store. I bought a whole set of new clothing with the campus logo plastered all over them as much as possible.
I walked right up to the bench during football practice and stood not six inches away from him. I swapped out his bottle while nobody was looking, and then a couple of minutes later, his heart burst while he was chasing down the quarterback.
The autopsy showed he had been taking anabolic steroids, steroids I had slipped into his drink alongside the nicotine. It triggered an NCAA investigation into the UCLA football program.
The police believe in the principle of Occam's Razor. Who thinks to test for nicotine of all things when a steroid-shooting athlete dies of a heart attack?
Lesson #4: If you lie down with pigs, you will get up dirty.
Over the next year, Ed Branch forced a change in my plans. He managed to get himself kicked out of USC, and he was back at home.
With college behind him, he embarked on an illustrious career of selling drugs to high school students (and anybody else with cash). He covered his profits by waiting tables at the local Olive Garden.
Before long he had managed to piss off the people whose territory he was encroaching upon.
I didn't want him getting killed before I had the chance to kill him myself, so I made a few well placed phone calls and a couple of days later he sold two hundred pills of mescaline to an undercover police officer.
He got fifteen years, and with him safely stowed away I turned my attention to other matters, like finishing first in my class at Stanford.
Lesson #5: Appearances must be maintained.
When I spoke at my college graduation, I talked at length about the importance of persistence and dedication in the accomplishment of tasks. Of course, everyone thought I was talking about school work and all of that, or maybe even what they should do when they got jobs and started their careers, but what I was really doing was secretly telling the graduating class of Stanford exactly how intent I was on getting my revenge.
I even quoted Thomas Edison: "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."
Lesson #6: A man's greatest desire is also his greatest weakness.
The more I thought about the murder of Paul Clarke, the less satisfied I became. I had killed him, and gotten away with it quite as easily as I supposed I would, but he never knew the agent of his downfall.
I became determined that none of the rest of them would get off so easily.
While I worked on my graduate degree at Princeton, Mark Bowers settled into a comfortable career as an insurance salesman.
Seeing as how he was out on calls so often, it was a simple matter to break into his house undetected when I was back visiting my parents during the Christmas holiday. I sat down at his computer and installed a couple of monitoring programs where he would never find them.
During the day, I would work in my research lab with a team of eager students working underneath me. At night, I would sit at home and look over everything Mark had done on his computer the day before.
As it turns out, Mark never lost his predilection for having sex with young girls who were unable to resist. He was a pedophile.
In the course of infiltrating his world, I had to spend some time learning about the little deviant society in which pedophiles exist.
I suppose dedicating your life to stalking and murdering people who took advantage of you in high school is a bit twisted, but people who have sex with children are just plain sick. Of everyone I killed, I never felt that I was doing the world a bigger favor than when I got rid of Mark.
In the end, I posed on the Internet as a pimp, someone who sold little children to men for sexual acts. It was simple enough to create fake identities over the internet to offer testimonials... the girls were unconnected, yes virgins were available for a little extra, the whole process was entirely discreet, that kind of thing.
I lured him to a motel room in Thailand. When he opened the door and found my gun in his face, he urinated on himself. Even now, seventy years later, that still makes me smile.
Lesson #7: Don't let your personal life ruin your career.
They never traced the shooting to me, of course. I nicked the gun I used from a table at a gun show; the same kind of show that the Columbine Trench coat Mafia got their weapons from.
After finishing up my PhD at Princeton, I returned to Stanford to do my post-doctoral work. My family was very glad to see me return to California. The East Coast is a very stressful place, after all.
Wouldn't you know it? About a year into my postdoctoral work, I developed a new synthetic fatty acid that had wide implications in medical science. They're still making eleven different kinds of medications derived from my work. I take one of them myself.
I won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry that year. In my acceptance speech, I talked about the profound effect chemistry and pharmaceuticals have had on the lives of human beings. For some reason, I have always loved to slip double entendres nobody but me gets into speeches.
Lesson #8: The pen is mightier than the sword.
As soon as I got back to California, I returned my attention to Ed Branch, who had spent the past seven years languishing in the state penitentiary system.
While I was working on synthesizing my fatty acids, I was also working on how to kill a man locked behind bars.
My only real option was to strike by proxy.
To that end, I did a little research and found just the man I was looking for.
His name was Trevor Peterson, and he was a guard in the prison Ed was incarcerated in. Trevor was single, overweight, and not particularly intelligent.
It was easy to weave him into my web. I picked him up in a bar, took him home, and fucked his brains out. He was totally in love with me by the end of the week. It's a technique I learned from Scott Rice.
I feigned surprise when he told me he was a prison guard. When I "found out" where he worked, I mentioned that I knew someone who was incarcerated there. Of course he asked me who, and I wouldn't tell him. The more I refused to tell, the more curious he got. Finally, after we had been together for a month, I broke down one night and told him the whole story about how I got raped. Of course, I left out the part about the revenge that was my true life's work.
Once he found out about it, it was easy enough to convince him to take care of Ed, and make him think it was his idea. Of course, he wasn't very imaginative, so I had to gently provide him with a plan and convince him that he could carry it out.
The first step was to recruit the help of an inmate. It's amazing what a lifer will do for a little preferential treatment and a friend on the inside.
Melvin Daniels had no qualms about ruining Ed Branch's life. For three weeks, Melvin raped Ed in the laundry room like clockwork during their shift together. For some reason, there were never any guards about to help Ed in his time of need. And every time, as Ed was forced to kneel over, right before he was penetrated, Melvin whispered into his ear, "This is a present from Bianca."
I had begun to worry that Ed might risk the humiliation of publicizing the fact that he had become a prison bitch to let someone know what I was doing to him. I convinced Trevor that his career was at risk, so Trevor gave Melvin three cartons of Marlboro cigarettes to stab Ed in the neck with a homemade knife.
The last thing Ed heard, as his arterial blood spilled out onto the floor of the laundry room, was, "This is from Bianca, too."
Lesson #9: Loose lips sink ships.
I regret killing Trevor, I really do, but I had no choice. He could have talked, and besides, he was a murderer, wasn't he?
I loosened the nuts on one of his tires, and that was that.
Lesson #10: There is nothing in life that a sufficiently motivated individual cannot accomplish.
After winning the Nobel Prize and finishing my post doctorate, I opened up my own pharmaceutical company. There was no shortage of investors ready to throw money behind a Nobel laureate.
Murusaki Pharmaceuticals still exists today, and chances are you've probably gotten a prescription medication at some point that we created.
I am a multi-millionaire, and once I was put on the cover of Forbes magazine.
What nobody knew was that while I was at the photo shoot, Scott Rice was chained to a table in the private laboratory I had at my estate. The staff knew better than to ever go in there... they called it "Bianca's Chapel."
One of the nice things about being the a brilliant chemist who owns a pharmaceutical company is that nobody looks twice when you bring a large quantity of hydrochloric acid home from work.
As I burned off bits of Scott's body, I would talk to him about all kinds of things. My favorite topic was the lasting effects that a traumatic incident early in life can have on someone's psyche. He never responded much, but that may have been due to the fact that his mouth was occupied by a ball gag I purchased from a fetish website for $29.95.
I saved his penis for last, and as I lowered it into the acid I asked him if it felt as good as the last time he stuck it in me.
The ungrateful fucker passed out.
I dissolved the rest of his body, and his case was listed in the local police annals as an unresolved disappearance.
Lesson #11: The more you have, the more you can lose.
You may have wondered by now, what happened to Jessica Myers? Where is she in this story?
Jessica was living the suburban dream.
Like many good-looking young women, she had made a career out of whoring herself out... not to many men, but just to one. She found the right guy, and spread her legs, and never had to work a single day in her life.
Her husband, a stockbroker, had invested in tech stocks in the 90s, and had pulled out in time to avoid the crash when the bubble popped. He turned his money into real estate just in time to cash in on the boom of the early 21st century, and he was set for life. He used most of it to set up an accounting firm.
I actually admire that.
Unfortunately, his wife had had the bad judgment to mastermind a plan to humiliate a young woman she had severely underestimated, and that would be the downfall of them both.
The first step in unraveling the life Jessica had was to ruin her marriage.
The problem was that her husband was actually a bit of a choirboy. Besides, at age forty-three, I was beginning to get a bit long in the tooth to try and seduce someone.
However, he didn't have to actually cheat on her. I just had to make her THINK he was doing it.
Perfume was the weapon I chose for my opening salvo. Her husband had the bad judgment to leave his car unlocked. I guess he didn't think that someone who had been carrying a grudge against his wife for almost thirty years might just open it and sprinkle Chanel No. 5 on his business suits.
Once her suspicions were aroused, I started calling their house from payphones and hanging up when she answered.
The final step was to break into their house and leave a sheaf of handwritten love notes in a shoebox in his closet.
His protestations of innocence, I imagine, only made things worse. They divorced six months later.
Divorce can have a negative impact on children. Their son, Steven, ended up rather depressed and his grades started suffering.
I snuck into his dorm room late one night and woke him up with a pistol in his mouth. After we had established that I would shoot him in the head if he made a sound, I forced him to turn over and I bound his hands. I put a bag over his head and strung a rope from the ceiling. I made him stand on his table, and when I slipped the noose over his head he realized what was happening but it was too late. A rope around your throat prevents you from screaming.
I removed the bindings from his wrists, took the bag with me, and the police naturally assumed it was a suicide brought about by depression.
The loss of her husband and her son so close together was a bit of a nasty knock for Jessica. She blamed herself, and she was right. If she hadn't decided to slip that roofie into my drink, I never would have strung her son up from a rafter.
She started drinking and actually got arrested for driving while intoxicated. She got a bit violent with the police, and spent the night in jail.
Would you believe that when I kidnapped her at gunpoint six months later she had the nerve to not recognize me? I had to tell her who I was before understanding dawned.
That really got me steamed. I got so upset I told her my life story. I told her about how I caused Paul Clarke to have a heart attack, how Ed Branch got anally raped for three weeks while hearing my name whispered in her ear. I made her listen as I explained the perfume in her husbands car, watched her squirm as I talked about dipping Scott one piece at a time into a vat of acid.
There was nothing she could really do but listen. She was duct taped to the passenger seat of my car.
When I was done pinning all the killing, all the misery, and all the success I had over the course of my life on her decision to humiliate me, I knocked her out with chloroform and tossed her over the side of a bridge.
Everyone thought it was so sad that the destruction of her family made her jump, but nobody was really surprised. They pointed at the DWI, everyone who knew her talked about how that should have been a sign, how they should have had an intervention before she went off the deep end.
Lesson #12: God helps those who help themselves.
Well, there you have it. I didn't ask to take a bite from the fruit of the tree of knowledge; I had it shoved down my throat when I was a child. But I put the knowledge I gained to good use. I accomplished every damn thing I ever set out to do.
After I finished off the last of my victims, my life's work was complete. I returned full time to my job of running a pharmaceutical company.
For awhile, I drifted, just sort of managing things, without any real motivation. When I was forty-seven years old, my mother contracted Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, otherwise known as Lou Gehrig's disease. It killed her inside of a year.
For the first time since Jessica Myers plummeted through the air, I felt alive again. I pursued that damn disease and its effects with the same methodical attention to detail that I put into killing everyone who ruined my life at the age of sixteen.
Ten years later, I had developed medication that halted the effects of the disease.
If you consider the five thousand people diagnosed with that disease each year, by the time I die I will have saved the lives of over one hundred and eighty thousand people.
To be honest, fruit or no fruit, I have no idea whether I was a good or a bad person. If there are such things as good and evil, even after all these years and everything I have done I still can't tell them apart.
- VS -
Entry 2
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Entry 2:
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User Reviews
Submitted by Briddyboo (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, but if she is in her seventies now, how did she shop at hot topic, get lasik surgery, or order anything off the internet before her late 40s??? Those details got under my skin.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-26 01:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I was thinking about this post today too. Such a weird coincidence
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
incredible
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2004-05-16 00:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry,I forgot to rate!
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2004-05-16 00:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read #2 first, and it was hilarious and clever. But #1 totally blew me away. Excellent.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-05-14 16:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow that was awesome.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-05-13 21:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am now very frightened of you. This was fantastic.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-05-13 19:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. What a surprise when I got to the bottom.
I thought the animation was funny but I go with 1.
Submitted by Mercutio (user info) at 2004-05-13 17:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-13 16:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gascs, I'm really sorry to hear that you are taking a hiatus from Uber, come back soon, hear?
Whoever said I left loose ends, please clarify.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-05-13 14:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rattbasturd (user info) at 2004-05-13 08:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very imaginative and twisted. Nice job.
Submitted by Richy_Rich (user info) at 2004-05-13 07:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a great piece of writing, had some ingenious ways of killing people...hmmmmm...anyways i was hooked right up to the end.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-13 02:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 1 was the good kind of long, it kept going but you wanted it to, I particularly like the way the funny was phased out as the story got more serious.
Number 2 I liked, but not nearly as much. Still a champion effort mind.
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2004-05-12 17:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-05-12 17:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nobody had arms in the cartoon
Submitted by Tokerson (user info) at 2004-05-12 15:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-12 13:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2004-05-12 13:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-05-12 09:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gasc - I thought you were going to make an automatic rejection letter generator? You can't leave!
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-05-12 09:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read. I think all the time, effort and arguments as a result of that time and effort paid off.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-05-12 09:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read. I think all the time, effort and arguments as a result of that time and effort paid off.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-05-12 08:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for Kermit +1 for woot woot woot
+121324u923470923752727893648923frhsdfih234780375907235 for Dr T
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-12 06:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes I read it all. Yes I'm in awe.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-05-12 06:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by niceday (user info) at 2004-05-12 06:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jonukah <jonukah.at.aol.com> at 2004-05-12 02:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Socially_Distorted (user info) at 2004-05-12 00:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my computers too slow to sit and wait for the second to load, so my vote goes to the first.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-05-11 23:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
its good.. but inconsistancys keep my from giving it a 2.
EX 70 years ago???
Submitted by voodoochild (user info) at 2004-05-11 23:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. It actually almost gave me chills.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-05-11 23:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I told myself that when I checked the status of this post and the spread was 20 or more, I'd officially concede and declare Razor the winner. Officially. This +2 is for you, buddy. Good job. I did the animation because I knew I couldn't stand up to your writing (which, by the way, DID take hours to make).
To all of my fans (if there are any other than Q, and I think he's gone), I hope I didn't disappoint you with any of my stuff (other than my god-awful shit post). I never expected to make it past the round of 8, let alone the final four, so I've more than exceeded my own expectations, and from what I understand, everyone else's.
I decided a long time ago that I don't have the time to put into ubersite anymore (I don't really even have time for reviews, honestly), and that my final UberMadness post would be my final post. It's not like I'm quitting for life or giving a sad sob story, and it's not that I'm a sore loser. If you look at my post history, I've been dwindling in frequency lately. If I come up with a really great idea or find something groundbreaking, I'll be back to show everyone, I'm sure. I just don't think that's going to happen for a while.
Regardless, I'll be back to host UberPost2005.
In the last 8 months on this site, I hope that I've made at least one person laugh. That was my only goal here. I've managed to only have one post rated under 0.4, so I think that somebody has appreciated the contribution. I've seen a lot, laughed a lot, and thought a lot. I must say, it's been a great time, but also one of the most unproductive times in every other aspect of my life.
Thanks to everyone. If you want to get in touch with me, use the contact form on gascs.com - I probably won't be updating the UberDirectory or the UberPortal, but I'll be leaving them up. If you're a Java/JSP guru and you want to take them over for me, get in touch with me through the form.
I'll leave you all with some hit-whoring, what I consider my best posts, a little "Tribute to Myself".
Economics 101: http://www.ubersite.com/m/16112
The Autobiography: http://www.ubersite.com/m/18496
+2/-2 generator: http://www.ubersite.com/m/22184
Critical Analysis: http://www.ubersite.com/m/23597
Presidential Election 2004: http://www.ubersite.com/m/26956
Thanks, and have a good night.
Submitted by Maleficus (user info) at 2004-05-11 21:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-05-11 20:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 - Genuinely good post. Hurrah, I feel like reading it was a victory after the other UberMadness posts I've read so far.
#2 - WTF. I'm not voting for an image! And I think I came in the middle of it.. no way to know, because it just loops. Piss poor idea.
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-05-11 20:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-05-11 20:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-05-11 19:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fully expect Entry I to win in a huge landslide. It's just no contest whatsoever.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-11 19:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-05-11 19:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post #1 was excellent.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-05-11 18:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 was really good.
wow.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-05-11 18:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-05-11 18:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT!
Submitted by nyagoc (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome...the guys reminded me of the guys i used to hang out w/ when i was younger
Submitted by Magno (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haven't seen that in ubermadness yet.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-11 16:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-11 16:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! It was long, but I was totally engrossed. Would have been near impossible to beat.
I laughed at entry 2, and would have at least +1'ed it on regular Uber.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant!!!
Submitted by kireisarah (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a hard decision.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was unreal.
Submitted by vildy (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-05-11 11:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Story 1# reminded me of the movies "Thirteen" and "Better Luck Tomorrow" at first, but developed into a truly magnificent post. #2 was very funny, but was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
GK
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-11 11:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-05-11 11:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, #2. Random, senseless cartoons just don't do it for me.
Submitted by girlreporter (user info) at 2004-05-11 11:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-05-11 10:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-11 10:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to vote for #2, but then I read #1 and just couldn't.
the pimp hat was tough to beat
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-11 10:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a feeling that The first one is going to become a How-To manuel.
Submitted by benjamin_disraeli (user info) at 2004-05-11 09:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Should've listened to Dr. T
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-11 09:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Mr_Insanity (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ooooh.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-05-11 07:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Muhaha.
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-11 06:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1: Good but too holey.
2: Is Arsenio just himself? I got T being Powell and Kermit being Rice.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-11 06:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. No more to be said.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-11 06:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny now that I re-think this , it's probably the championship bracket since one author used an animation in another post. Although it probably took effort to create, I expected alot more out of the final round.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-11 05:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok I just voted on 3 match ups without even needing to read them due to the fact that one author actually tried and one did not.
So what, just because you may be in the losers bracket you just quit caring?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-11 05:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-05-11 04:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-11 04:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My, what strange, strange people we have on Ubersite...
Entry 1 was phenomenal.
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-05-11 03:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-11 02:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Marx740 (user info) at 2004-05-11 02:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-11 01:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-05-11 00:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post 2 was sort of funny, but Post 1 kicked ass. It was certainly one of the top 2 or 3 for the entire competition.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-05-10 23:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first was good but I started getting bored.
The second was simple and hilarious.
I have the attention span of a squirrel with do......
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-10 23:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If post #2 is gascs, I'm going to kill him.
Submitted by DancingHobo (user info) at 2004-05-10 23:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
One was great.
It definitely beats number 2. But number 2, I gotta hand it to you, I am still laughing at the ridiculousness of your entry.
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Post One, pass. The closest to a pure +2 I have ever read.
Post Two, clever delivery, but nothing was said beyond a vague hint that Bush likes to suck penis. Which everyone already knows.
My vote goes to number one.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have prefered if she didn't "redeem" herself in the end, but ah well.
This was a tough choice. Really.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jdoe646 (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-10 22:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no contest
Submitted by Frank <skipfrank.at.msn.com> at 2004-05-10 22:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Much better than that crap currently on TV - A Wrinkle in Time?
Submitted by lush (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but the animation was ok, and I just can't read all that. It's too long! I started it, but couldn't stay focused.
Submitted by Chronic (user info) at 2004-05-10 22:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1 was great; being a hitman rules. Too bad there was no competition against it.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-10 22:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT is an interesting choice.
Submitted by FearBenzene (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got issues, whoever wrote #1. Serious issues.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF IM NOT READIN ALL THAT
WTF IM NOT WATCHIN ALL THAT
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations, winner!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure how much effort was put into Entry 2, but I thought it was still damn good. I'm tired of all those sappy posts.
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entry 1 was so great i was like, i dont need to read entry 2, then i see entry two and i thought, this sucks so much i didnt have to read entry 1
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yay!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went to kindergarten with someone named Jessica Myers. She was an annoying bitch.
Anyway, that might have been the best thing I've ever read on this site.
Submitted by hockyman (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought Number 2 was hilarious but I'l have to side with Number 1 because it kicked a lot of ass.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What? I thought it was funny!
Submitted by Webspam (user info) at 2004-05-10 21:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me smile