Crazy Like A Fox (2033 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dano
Rating: 1.95 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James (View user info) at 2004-05-11 02:05:14 EDT
I have known some Crazy People in my relatively short existence.
And by "Crazy People", I don't mean the kind of people who do or say insane things for fun and frolics, like Tony Hawks or Johnny Knoxville. I mean people who wouldn't say boo to a goose but would stab somebody in the neck with a pen for breathing too loudly.
Like, for example, my cousin, Dano.
Dano was about ten months older than me, making him the oldest of nine grandchildren. He was also my best friend. He spoke two languages, worked out three times a day and on command he could recite any line from the vast number of books he had stacked on his shelves.
He was also as mad as a bag of badgers.
It started when he was about 16, shortly after he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.
Asperger Syndrome is a neurobiological disorder ascribed to a pattern of behaviours in young adults who despite being endowed with normal intelligence and language development, also exhibit autistic-like behaviours and marked deficiencies in social and communication skills. He was also found to be displaying signs of Attention Deficit Disorder, another neurobiological disorder caused by chemicals in the brain that are not working properly, whereby the sufferer exhibits a severe difficulty in focusing and maintaining attention.
In Dano's case he found it extremely difficult to interact with other people. He was completely incapable of comprehending the subtle nuances of engaging a person in polite conversation. Think Peter Griffin multiplied by a thousand and you're still nowhere near how inept he was.
One night, Dano, a few friends and myself were having a few beers before hitting the town. By this point, my friends had already been accustomed to Dano's eccentric behaviour, yet he still had the capacity to surprise and terrify them. We all piled into a taxi and as the driver steered away from the curb, Dano attempted to start a conversation. His opening gambit remains the stuff of legend among my friends.
'Who is your favourite Greek philosopher?'
I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger, shaking my head in disbelief while my friends tried desperately to stifle their laughter. The driver arched an eyebrow at Dano.
'Are you taking the piss, son?'
The friendly twinkle in Dano's eyes vanished and was replaced with a Murder Death Kill stare. 'Fine, be that way.' Dan started 'Fuck you and drive on'
Speechless, the driver shifted awkwardly in his seat before driving us into town. The incident was never spoken of again.
Another time, a few months after Dano was first diagnosed with problems, our family threw a party to celebrate the New Year. I was hanging out with Dano and his brother, Lefty in the beer garden, trying to conceal our obvious drunkenness from our relatives. Then our Great Uncle John, who none of us had seen in about five years, approached the three of us to say hello.
'Hello Dano, how the devil are you?' John beamed.
'I'm pissed off and I wanna shag.' Dano fumed.
He slammed his pint glass on the table and stumbled behind a tree to take a piss. He remained oblivious to the fact that he was clearly visible to the rest of the guests.
If the norms of established social niceties were beyond Dano, then it should have hardly been any surprise to me that he was unable to grasp the concept of sportsmanship. Like most teenage boys, Dano and I liked to play video games. But Dano wasn't very good. In fact, he was a bit shit. His favourite game was 'Peter Sampras Tennis' for the Sega Genesis. Unfortunately for Dano, I was in my Video Game prime. I had the uncanny ability of finding opponent's weaknesses and exploiting them. In the case of 'Pete Sampras Tennis', I always won my games by killing my opponent with a flurry of aces.
I was unstoppable. In 166 matches I remained undefeated.
Sadly that figure is not an estimate. It is exact. I know because Dano told me.
For some reason he kept note of our scores. He handwrote pages and pages of statistics from each match to the next. He also used to keep a record of how I played the game and the things I said during each match. Mostly, I kept quiet in order to concentrate; I was never the type to brag about how well I was doing because I was terribly superstitious that it would jinx me. Not so Dano. Despite the fact that he never beat me, Dano always maintained that I was lucky to win. He would swear uncontrollably when he lost and accuse me of fixing the result with some sort of cheat code.
'That's game, set and match, Dano. Want to go again?'
'FUCK YOU, YOU CHEATING BASTARD!!! YOU'VE BEEN BUMING THE REF!!!'
'Dan, it's just a game, man...'
'JUST A GAME???!!! THEN THAT'S JUST FINE THEN!!! FUCK YOU!!! I'M SPECIAL!!! I DESERVED TO WIN THAT GAME!!!'
I'm not sure when this 'Special' talk started, but it can't have been long after Dano turned 17.
One day he was taken to a psychiatrist for assessment and he came back with the idea that he was a genius. I'm not sure what was said, but I'm pretty sure the good doctor told Dano no such thing. Apparently, what happened was that the psychiatrist stated that people who suffer from autism often show excellence in other fields, such as art or arithmetic. From that, Dano believed he was the equivalent of Matt Damon's character in 'Good Will Hunting' - the diamond in the rough.
When anybody attempted to point out that Will Hunting wasn't even remotely autistic, Dano would get the MDK glare and start shrieking like a berserker until everybody yielded to his point of view. Because Dano has a very narrow view of the world - referred to as 'tunnel vision' - anything that did not concord with his own values would be instantly met with hostility. The assessment that he could only see things in black and white would be an understatement. So when he got the idea in his head that he looked like the latest celebrity heartthrob, not even the Devil himself would be able to convince him otherwise. Not that it would have mattered because nobody had the balls to tell Dano he was wrong anyway. That would only result in more shrieking and tantrums.
By this time, I had lost interest with 'Pete Sampras Tennis' and had moved onto the Sony Playstation, playing FIFA '97. This coincided with a disturbing new trend in Dano's behaviour - death threats.
Again, Dano was unable to beat me. Again, he would lose his temper and have a tantrum. But now, he had concocted a new method of psychological warfare by attempting to put the fear of God into me.
Each game started innocently enough. There was friendly banter and I had been around Dano long enough to be in-sync with his odd sense of humour. But after I scored the first goal, the jokes would quickly dry up and the only sound to be heard would be that of Dano's growling, as he muttered obscenities beneath his breath. 'I'm gonna slit your throat, you cocky motherfucker."
I hadn't even said anything. The fact that I was leading 7-0 was a sign of my arrogance according to Dano. I would sit in silence, pretending not to hear him.
'Do you hear me? If you score again I'm going to kill you.' He muttered threateningly 'I'm special, you're just an ignoramus'
Dano had a penchant for using big words without understanding what they meant. Normally, I would thrash Dano spectacularly and he would throw his tantrum shortly after I had made a sharp exit.
One morning Dano's mum and father sat me down in the kitchen and explained to me the finer details of their son's problems. Up until then I hadn't really understood what was wrong with him. Only then did I begin to appreciate the bind we were all in and how difficult things would become. They asked me if I could cope with the responsibility of being Dano's best friend. Naturally, I said I could and that I would do anything for him. At the time, I didn't think it was that big a deal. They then asked me to challenge Dano to a game of FIFA '97 and suggested that I should lose on purpose.
They wanted me to throw the game.
At first, I wanted to laugh. It was only a video game after all. But I could tell from the sincerity in my uncle and aunt's eyes that they were being serious. They wanted me to help Dano by making him believe he could beat me. Like I mentioned before, because of Dano's 'tunnel vision' and his belief that he was a 'genius', his mind could not address his inability to defeat me with out turning on the berserker rage.
So like a good little soldier, I did what I was told and concocted a plan to throw the game.
Problem was, I had to lose in a way that Dano's would believe that I was playing to my full potential. So in effect, I had to try twice as hard as normal in order to lose!
At first, everything went according to plan.
I scored first as to keep Dano from suspecting anything.
1-0
Then I started to slack off a bit. I let Dano keep possession and pass the ball around. Suddenly, he 'finds' an opening and scores.
1-1
Apparently, Dano used all of his skill and technique to guide to ball home. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I hadn't even bothered to move my goalkeeper, who stood rigid as the ball dribbled passed him.
Thus set the pattern for the rest of the match. By halftime, Dano was leading by 4 goals to 1.
I winced internally as my wounded pride struggled to shoulder the burden of The Great Deception. I knew I was doing the right thing by allowing Dano to win but I had not counted on his despicable boasting as he was doing it.
"You really are worthless, aren't you?'
'I'm not even trying! Do you want to give up now?'
'I should really stop. This is demeaning both of us.'
I was not used to the idea of taking shit from Dano.
When he made the score 8-1, It began to grate on my nerves. So much so that I started to stage a mini-comeback to shut him up. I did not have the intention of winning, only scaring him into silence.
At 8-7 to Dano, I thought I had done enough. But Dano wouldn't let it lie.
'You really are shit. You can't even win without cheating.' He said
I think the implication that I was cheating to win was the straw that broke the camel's back. Dano would often accuse me of cheating, especially in soccer games because I was a notoriously rough tackler. Even though the CPU-controlled referee did not deem any of my challenges as illegal, Dano would be enraged by the injustice of the world and insisted that the referee was showing favouritism.
So when I scythed down three of his players, took possession and scored to level the game, Dano went nuts and started to bang the side of his head with the palm of his hand.
'This' *SMACK!* 'can't' *SMACK!* 'be' *SMACK!* 'happening!'
I didn't know whether to laugh or get the fuck out of dodge. I realised what I had done was unbelievably selfish but I sure as hell wasn't going to have that fucker gloat over a fixed result.
But at 8 goals apiece, I was not satisfied. Because I was on the verge of an astonishing victory, I thought 'What the hell' and decided that he could win the next match instead. So when I scythed down his striker in my penalty area, took possession, floated a long ball up the end of the field and scored in injury time, my heart was fit to burst with the kind of pride only a 16 year old boy can feel.
I had just completed the greatest comeback of all time, scoring 9 goals in the process.
I'm not sure what I heard first, Dano's shrieking or the sound of the plastered walls being pounded with his fists. I turned around to see Dan laying into the wall like Apollo Creed attacking a punch bag. Except there was a lot more screeching and hollering. I stood up and quickly snuck out of the room.
Dano was later admitted to the Accident & Emergency Ward with two broken wrists and minor cuts and bruises to his knuckles, which he damn near destroyed.
I never played video games with him again. I remain undefeated.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-19 08:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-06-15 12:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been reading some of your older posts and now I finally feel compelled to rate and comment...+2 for mentioning Peter Griffin.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-05-22 18:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-05-17 23:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great story.
it's rough throwing games.
but it would have been better in the long run.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-12 00:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Sacrew (user info) at 2004-05-11 16:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is one fucking good post.
Thanks.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-11 16:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The picture is by Jim Warren. I borrowed it from his website. I remembered the title from an episode of 'The Simpsons'. I didn't realise it was from 'Scrooged' too, which is an awesome film.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-11 10:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He has a cavity.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-11 10:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is not the reason that I gave this a +2, but it sure is exquisite.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-11 09:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me shit my pants in fear when i saw that picture
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks a lot you bastard. I was fine. I was drinking my coffee and everything was ok.
Then I took a drink right as I read this line:
"the only sound to be heard would be that of Dano's growling, as he muttered obscenities beneath his breath. 'I'm gonna slit your throat, you cocky motherfucker.' "
I nearly spit my coffee all over the computer screen.
That said, you get a +2 for two reasons.
1. This story is well written and funny as hell.
2. Crazy Like a Fox = Bill Murray's quote in Scrooged (great movie)
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-11 07:57:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
We should get Dano and my friend Tom together to play FIFA '97. Do you think that would be fun to watch?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As I was reading this I thought the same damn thing!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-11 07:57:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
We should get Dano and my friend Tom together to play FIFA '97. Do you think that would be fun to watch?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As I was reading this I thought the same damn thing!
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-11 08:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, the phrase "mad as a bag of badgers" is goddamned hilarious.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-11 07:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We should get Dano and my friend Tom together to play FIFA '97. Do you think that would be fun to watch?
Also, I love how you worked "shrieking berserker" into your post.
Haven't we all learned a hard lesson about pulling the tail of the dragon?
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-05-11 06:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I managed to read it all!!
"I f'ing love you Dano"
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-11 05:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-05-11 05:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's... insane...
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-11 05:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother has Asperger's. I know exactly what you're talking about.
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-05-11 03:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to be like that only I wasn't smart. Now I just lose games and suck it up. But anger rules.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-05-11 03:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
Submitted by spirochete (user info) at 2004-05-11 02:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-05-11 02:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to be honest, Scott.
I didn't read the post. It looked way too long for my attention span at the moment.
+2 because I'm sure it's awesome.
Submitted by moebius (user info) at 2004-05-11 02:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would it really have hurt so much to swallow your pride just once?
You could've saved a couple of wrists.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-05-11 02:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done. Creepy picture.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-05-11 02:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I scrolled down first expecting a picture of you. But you get +2 for that picture alone