Expanding the Boundaries of Science: The Mark I Rectal Cannon (874 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.83 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-05-11 12:11:54 EDT
INTRODUCTION
As I scientist I am sometimes obliged to develop the military hardware of the future. It bothers me on a certain level knowing that my work is used to kill people, but I try not to think about it too much as I cash my fat cheques at the bank. My latest project is a devastating weapon that was commissioned to me by the US military. It is in fact top secret and I could be shot for treason for even mentioning its existence on this site. But meh, whatever.
Anyways, this secret weapon is the first cannon in which the projectile propellent is gas from a human body. If any of you out there have ever used a potato gun, the Mark I Rectal cannon works on very similar principals. The only difference is that instead of an aresol spray used to propel a potato, the explosive gas comes from the byproduct of bacteria in the lower interesting of a human being. Also, instead of a potato, very sharp, pointy pieces of metal are shot out so it hurts more when it hits someone.
By harvesting the natural gasses in a human body that would otherwise go to waste, the Rectal Cannon has an unlimited power supply. It will be used primarily by commandos in locations where resupply for depleted ammunition for conventional weapons is problematic.
Think about it: you are stuck 12 miles behind enemy lines and surrounded by hostiles. You have used up all of your conventional ammunition and all you have going for you is a wicked bout of gas from the roast lizard you just ate. Instead of facing a certain death, you will be able to fight your way Rambo-style out of that situation with your trusty rectal cannon and an ass full of gas.
Below is the development journal for the Mark I Rectal Cannon. If you want, you can follow along at home and make your own.
MATERIALS
- 3 feet of 2 inch PVC pipe
- A swimming snorkel, with a nice soft mouth bit
- Sparker from a barbecue
- Jagged bits of metal
- Silicone putty and crazy glue
- Vaseline or other lubricant
- Several cans of chili (I recommend Stag brand chili)
RECTAL CANNON CONSTRUCTION
The majority of the Rectal Cannon construction follows that of a standard potato gun. Here is a link to a good potato gun tutorial:
http://www.mshamash.com/spud/spudgun1.html
Now, the main difference between the potato gun and the rectal cannon is how the gas gets into the ignition chamber. Instead of an aresol adapter, you will want to use the snorkel. Inside the snorkel you will have to glue a trap valve so that the gas can only travel one way.
Once that the trap valve is in, spread some Vaseline on the mouth end of the snorkel. To test the snorkel, insert it into your anus. See if you can get a nice snug fit in there. The tighter the fit, the less gas that will escape and the more powerful the cannon blast will be. Don't worry if it feels a little uncomfortable at first, you will get use to it in a short time.
At this point let a few rippers go. If you hear any 'farting' sounds you do not have the snorkel inserted properly. The farting sound is caused by the escape of gas through the tightly constricted sphincter muscle. The snorkel should open your sphincter enough that farting should be minimal to non-existent. Give it some practice and you will soon become proficient at releasing gas without farting.
RECTAL CANNON PROPELLENT
It is all well and good to have a Mark I Rectal Cannon, but without a propellent it is not an effective combat weapon.
To maximize gas production in your intestine, you will need to eat foods that stimulate the bacteria that dwell there. For most people, kidney beans are an extremely good food for gas generation. To facilitate my kidney bean intake, I make them into a meal called chili. Chili is a very healthy and tasty dish that is also relatively easy to prepare. Here is a link to some good chili recipes:
http://www-2.cs.cmu.edu/~mjw/recipes/ethnic/mexican/chili-coll.html#1
After eating a serving of chili, I measured my hourly output to be well over 30 liters of gas. The amount of energy in this 30 liters of gas is equivalent to 5.2 sticks of TNT. This is more than enough to make the Rectal Cannon a truly formidable weapon on any battlefield.
THE RECTAL CANNON IN ACTION
After the construction of the cannon was complete, and I had mastered the fine art of releasing gas without farting, I field tested the weapon. It tore the cardboard targets I shot at into fragments.
Lockeed-Martin has now been contracted to mass produce the Mark I Rectal Cannon. You should expect to see them in Iraq any time now.
Here is an artists rendering on how to properly use the Rectal Cannon Mark I (I hope you enjoy it. It cost Lockheed-Martin a fortune):
User Reviews
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What next, the Vomitizer?
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-05-12 02:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for nuclear explosion.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-12 01:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:36:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:17:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
you just made northrop grumman very jealous
I have to deal with those bastards all day long
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no shit... me too. we are part of the "rebuild iraq" project and they are spending billions on infrastructure there. of course, i like to keep that info out when im arguing for staying in iraq... ;-)
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're the sausage king!
Submitted by Tokerson (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweeeeeeeet
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:17:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
you just made northrop grumman very jealous
I have to deal with those bastards all day long
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"lower interesting of a human being"
Haha! Spellcheck really fucked you over there.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you just made northrop grumman very jealous
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-05-11 12:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"War is neither glamorous, or fun"
I think this post proves the above statement to be incorrect.