Public Restrooms and Teenagers Do NOT Mix (4728 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kristen (View user info) at 2004-05-11 13:04:47 EDT
I'm psychic.
I know, without a shred of doubt, that when I am forced to use a public restroom, as soon as I lay the three paper seat covers atop the throne, sit down, and do my pre-pee deep sigh someone will inevitably burst through the restroom door. I know that's pretty generic. Anyone could say that, be correct 98% of the time, and still not be psychic. So I'll submit you further to the deep, dark recesses of my mind.
This someone will always, regardless of the other six open stalls, sit next to me.
Still too vague?
They will sit next to me, have their pants down in a matter of .3 nanoseconds, and proceed to shit themselves into oblivion. I remain a prisoner in stall #7, held captive by a bladder full of Wild Cherry Pepsi and the general courtesy of not wanting to run into this person at the sinks in their time of shame. I don't want them ducking me the rest of their time in the store. I hold it.
I have accepted this as fact.
Unfortunately, my third eye chooses to be fuzzy during every other aspect of the restroom experience. I never know whether this is the routine "had a bad burrito, I can't believe I'm doing this in a public bathroom, hurry, sphincter, hurry" case or if it's one of the "others".
The "others" is as ominous as a rumbling thunderclap in the middle of a sunny afternoon.
One time, the "others" included a mother with a small child in tow. Sure enough, her feet paused at the stall next to mine. "Should I?" the hesitating pair of feet seemed to wonder. Then, in a sudden rush, the uncertainty was all but lost. The door slammed. I heard threads rip as she damned the zipper. Finally, the clanking of someone slamming their 150-pound butt down on a toilet seat, the dreaded sound of a ripcord, and the subsequent sigh. I hid my nose under my shirt. So far, this was the textbook case.
I started looking around the stall since it seemed I had a good five minutes to kill. The blue, swirly design of the stall walls...the purse hook on the back of the door...a child peering under the stall divider...what?
Big brown eyes gazed at me solemnly.
"Uhhh...hi! Ummm...errrrrr...hi?"
Unblinking.
"Is your mommy in here?" I ask, loud enough to surely distract mom from her woes.
Unwavering.
"Want a piece of gum?"
Still she stared, now picking her nose.
I resigned myself to looking around the stall, ignoring the peeping Susie as much as humanly possible. Every so often I would be drawn back to looking into those soulless eyes. She never, ever blinked.
Finally, the toilet flushed and the spell was broken.
But I would welcome that odd child back in a second compared to what I experienced today.
Everything was standard. My mind began the countdown to shitting neighbor. 3...2...1...
Nothing.
3...2...
The door slammed open. The voices of a couple high-pitched teenagers intermingled, creating a refreshing meld of 'nails on chalkboard' sound.
One popped into the stall next to mine. The other began running the water of a sink. They chatted about a purple halter-top and a guy named Jason. The girl next to me sounded as though she were merely peeing. I should have known better than to doubt.
"Pbbbbbbbbt."
"Cassie! Omigod! I can't believe you did that!"
Giggle, giggle, giggle.
"Pffffffffffffffffttttt"
Giggle, giggle, giggle.
"Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! I can't believe this! This is the funniest thing of all my life!"
"<giggle>Shut up, Tiff! <pppbbbbtttsqueak>".
"That was a squeaky one!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't get it to drop, Tiff!"
"Omigod! HA! Lean forward!"
"I AM leaning forward!"
"Lean back!"
Giggle, giggle, giggle.
"I'm just going to have to use toilet paper."
"Cass! Omigod! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh, EW! Gross! You have to see this, Tiff!"
"Ew! Omigod! I don't want to see it!"
"Heehee, hey! Watch this!"
All the while I'm glaring at the stall wall, hating these girls for not knowing how to make their crap fall into the toilet, for saying 'omigod' every third word, and for giggling in such a high pitch. I didn't know I'd have a better reason to hate them in a mere second.
Cassie's "Watch this!" was followed by an intense burst of giggles and a "Bomb's away!"
I didn't see the toilet paper wad until it landed about 4 inches from my left foot.
I swallowed a scream.
"Hurry! Let's get out of here!"
<fading voices> "Omigod!"
Teenage girls are among the vilest of creatures. And I'm not ever using a public bathroom again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and thats why... I never use public restrooms... because people mistreat it...
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-06 17:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as hell. Read like a scat chat room.
"...as soon as I lay the three paper seat covers atop the throne..."
The correct term for the paper cover is "Ass Gasket."
Submitted by Holoman (user info) at 2004-09-06 17:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy shit indeed. 7 stalls? In men's rooms there's only 3! Thank god we use urinals... any man who doens't stand up while peeing is less than a man.
Submitted by gravernmisery (user info) at 2004-09-06 17:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I completely agree.. it always happens. Never fails that you get the "pooper" in a public restroom. I can sympathize with you.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least they didn't turn off the light!
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
disturbing me. quite a feat.
Submitted by marchhare (user info) at 2004-06-23 22:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-10 14:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What in the hell is wrong with people? I'm a peaceable man, but if I'd been in that
stall, those hoes would've been fed that poo nugget. Good restraint, great post.
Submitted by fartdrinker at 2004-06-09 22:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck off
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-29 17:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-05-20 22:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Lord.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-18 15:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what... flinging poo's not normal?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-05-16 10:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:16:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Them some nasty ass bitches yo.
----------------------------------------
What he said.
Werd.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-05-13 00:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell is it with girls not wanting to go to the bathrooms by themselves anyways?
Girls laughing about poop jokes, and they claim guys are immature? Haha..
+2 for exposing the horrible things that go on in women's restrooms.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-05-12 00:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God I hate public bathrooms...
Oh, and "shit themselves into oblivion" made me laugh so hard I started coughing. Thanks, bitch.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-05-11 19:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do so many people have phobias abut public restrooms? I work with a guy who will not, under any circumstances use a public restroom and swears that you can get hemorrhoids from them.
Me? I pissed off my front porch last night because my roommate was cleaning the bathroom. I figure if I kill the grass there it's less that I have to mow.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, nice. And I just checked, and you have more hits than Murphy. Shouldn't you be #25 on the MVA list now?
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So are you saying this turned you on?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blah.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-11 16:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tool. :-)
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't you just go when other people are in there instead of sitting there waiting?
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every few days, I learn not to surf Uber while I'm eating. I remember this for awhile, but then one day I wake up and the memory's gone. On these days, I'll settle in front of my laptop with some chips, or, if I'm feeling ravenous, maybe a slice of pizza. Those are conicidentally the same days I click on posts like this, and learn, once again, not to surf Uber while I'm eating.
Submitted by Captain-Cretin (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well at least they didnt set fire to the place or flood it.
My local Public loo's get locked as soon as the High School comes out cos the girls have torched, flooded or vandalised it so often (boys side as well as the girls)
We caught them once but the dumb cops would'nt come out, something about free donuts at mcdonalds, so after about 2 hours we let them go.
If it had just been me i would have locked the fuckers in all night.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kristen: Were they all mature about it?
I can just imagine some idiot who couldn't supress a giggle during the whole thing.
Submitted by BoOyah <PP.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-05-11 15:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAH!!!
THat is good times right there,
NIce post Baby Cakes
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Man, Monty, last time I had a breast exam the doctor asked if I would mind if some students came in and observed. "This IS how they learn, you know..." so I figured I would fulfill my obligation to the medical society and agreed to allow them to observe. Well, the doc does the breast exam and then asks, "Would you mind if they practice?" Sure, why the hell not, right? 3 guys and 2 girls felt me up. It was...an experience. There. I met your breast exam requirement a day early, you're welcome. :)"
----
HAhahahahahha
I was one of those students
The boner lasted longer than 4 hours and I ended up in the emergency room
WOO!!
I still haven't washed my hands,...
GO BREAST EXAMS WOO!!!
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-11 15:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kristen little: the sky is falling the sky is falling!!!!!
patty potty: no silly, its just turds wrapped in toilet paper, flung by teenage girls.
kristen little: um, excuse me but, what the fuck?
patty potty: exactly!
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Would it still taste like Wild Cherry Pepsi?
Balloon Knot has spoken.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. No. Just wow. That is one of the most vile things I've ever heard, and you have my deepest sympathy, my dear Kwis!
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Missty (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, I forgot to rate it. Sorry :(
Submitted by Missty (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
gross!
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, hey. Instant relief, AND free lunch. How can you lose?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, Monty, last time I had a breast exam the doctor asked if I would mind if some students came in and observed. "This IS how they learn, you know..." so I figured I would fulfill my obligation to the medical society and agreed to allow them to observe. Well, the doc does the breast exam and then asks, "Would you mind if they practice?" Sure, why the hell not, right? 3 guys and 2 girls felt me up. It was...an experience. There. I met your breast exam requirement a day early, you're welcome. :)
Poor jonukah. I didn't mean to aid in your disillusionment.
Funny how most of the people that enjoy poop posts are men. You sickos.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit kristen... you fuckin' fine bitch! (just saw your camwhore post)
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no el shito in publico
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least it missed you.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit you rule Kristen. Thank you for giving me insight into the female restroom.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Priceless shit story!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually really like your stuff, sorry about the abuse earlier.
But thinking of girls shitting--that kinda wrecks the romance, don't you think? I mean, I'm sure you don't fart--how about we get together.
Has anyone seen Tom's cats? He's watching Ferris Bueller and Anal Porn. He's a little worried.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know how you have to look at the toiletpaper after you wipe to make sure there's no shit still on your ass? Don't you just hate that? LOL!! OMG!! WWJD!?
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bathrooms need more bidets.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eewww!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The most splendid story about shit so far today
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to stop being so womanly..
This is you...
"oh this stall is simply overrun with germs oh me oh my whatso ever will i do"
Stop being like that
Toughen up and be more manly
then you will be more attractive
...wait
ignore everything above this line
---------------------------------------
Ok what i meant to say was
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard of such stories regarding young girls, and I refuse to believe it.
Well....I believe it, I just refuse to acknowledge it.
Can I at least pretend there is a princess awaiting this knight in shining armor?
I hate to think I got all dressed up for nothing.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!!!
And I got stuck sitting next to 3 women who wanted to talk about their last pap smear today.
God help me. Tomorrow might be breast exam day.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm thoroughly convinced it's the area I live in, Clay. A vast majority of these people are nasty as all get.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe that could actually happen. Kids are starting to suck more and more.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Them some nasty ass bitches yo.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus H Crimminny.
That is just plain wrong.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do all of these things happen to you? Why are you so polite you do not just quickly finish and leave before the pooper? Throwing poop?? Sounds more like a monkey than a person. I am used to being around better behaved teenagers, but maybe that is because a good spanking is an ever present threat where I am from until you are about 16.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-11 13:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 all the way.
never tire of shitting stories