Blingin' it with your crunk, new SUV (538 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.54 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by buzz archer <virgil.archer.at.colorado.edu> (View user info) at 2004-05-11 13:34:29 EDT
-I was planning on making a section of my website that would deal with the negative aspects of sport utility vehicles, you know, stuff like ozone pollution, smog, increasing our dependencies on foreign oil, danger to non-suv vehicles in collisions, rollovers, cell phone wielding soccer moms on their way to the grocery store, that sort of thing.
But the more research I did, and the more I learned to sift through all the skewed facts that have been coming from the radical left wing community, the more I realized that SUVs are not the enemy- in fact, they're awesome!
So, I'm here to present you with the truth about sport utility vehicles.
ROLLOVERS
-It's true that SUVs roll over. But so does your dog, and you're not going to ban dogs just 'cause they roll over are you? Besides, 9 out of 10 SUV rollovers can be prevented by the driver. Here's how: when you start to feel the vehicle rolling over, just switch your cell phone to your other hand. The sudden shift of weight will right your vehicle instantly. See, with science, we can solve problems. Unfortunately, 1 out of 10 SUVs still rolls over spontaneously even while parked.
POLLUTION
-Again it is true that SUVs pollute the air. But so does your car. And what you don't know is that most, and by most I mean 41 out of 42 SUV owners drive their vehicles exclusively off-road. This is what they were designed for. Just watch the commercials. So while you and your sedan-driving buddies are out polluting the cities more and more, the courteous SUV driver is so far removed from the city life that their pollution never contributes to the city air that you breathe. Also, because the air through which they they drive is so pristine and clean to begin with, the small spritzes of emission from the SUV are instantly transformed into harmless particles that fertilize the natural surroundings with new life and color.
SMOG
-As stated above, SUV emissions really do not contribute to urban pollution. Consequently, they do not contribute to smog. In fact what happens is quite nice and peaceful. The gentile emissions from SUVs rise high into the atmosphere, where they interact with and defeat mean, nasty particles that otherwise would harm humans. This is why, over the past twenty years, science has proven that in areas of high SUV travel (such as mountain tops and lunar surfaces), people are less likely to get sunburnt, allergic reactions, and other mean and nasty such things. Also, the so-called 'smog' (otherwise known as Small eMissions Of Greatness) clouds contribute to beautiful, natural, sunset colored skies, all throughout the day...
DEPENDENCY ON FOREIGN OIL
-Finally, the foreign oil argument. This is an easy one. What the uninformed population does NOT know is that most SUVs have 6 or 8 cylinder engines. The few people who DO know how engines work will instantly understand why SUVs do not need much gas. Here's how it works. Most sedans have 4 cylinders. Those 4 cylinders have to work all by themselves to power the 2 wheel drive vehicle. In a 4-wheel drive SUV with 8 cylinders, not only are there twice as many cylinders (which means they each work less), the two rear wheels help drive the vehicle also. With all these extra 'helpers', the average SUV hardly uses any gas at all. It practically moves by self-propulsion.
This is why if everyone drove an SUV, we would not need to go to war with foreign countries for their oil. Our economy would be up, George W. would be having a better time in the White House, and the world would be a happy place with patient, courteous drivers.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-12 02:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Insightful, well-researched, and informative.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rubbish, but not quite as shitty as:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32797
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-05-11 17:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's up everyone's ass?
I thought this was pretty funny, especially the part about switching the cell phone to the other hand to prevent a rollover.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-05-11 16:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
absolutely ridiculous.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That was meant for bartisawesome.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And it keeps going..
8425
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Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
P.S. Rockin' detective work 8-o-man
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-11 14:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
multiple user IDs? Tard.
Submitted by bartisawesome (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, no photoshop...no camwhoring...an actual post and a hilarious post to boot, thanks
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Now that I look a little closer, Bolder, Richard, Fark and Emo are all the same person (IDs: 8421, 8422, 8423, 8424). He just forgot to rate himself with the first one.
Not only are you insanely lame to rank your own post, but you're also a fucking tool.
Submitted by The_Nipper (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Here's what you do. Being the tree hugging hippie you are, go smoke a bunch of pot. Then duct tape your mouth closed so no one can hear you scream, and place yourself on railroad tracks, making sure you knock yourself out so you can't run away as the train runs your pissy ass over.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Another -2 because farkyou and Rishard Head are the same person (user ID 1 number apart with no submissions), and probably also are buzz archer.
Fucking weak. Fucking very weak.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
crunk is rap from the south. It stinks.
Submitted by emosucks (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have always had self-propelled SUV's...I have just never noticed it.
Submitted by FarkYou (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A lot better than your last post Buzz, ignore the idiots who rated you on your title.
Submitted by Rokinroj (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh I get it, sarcasm. How original!
Rokinroj
Submitted by RichardHead (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah, awesome post...weak title though, that will hurt you since most of the uberposters will just rate you on your title since they are too lazy to read the post...oh yeah..and they are fucking morons
Submitted by BolderBoulder (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"SUV"S roll over, but so does your dog"
priceless...
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Here's a tip for you:
You're not at all funny and never will be.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is crunk?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Any one that uses the word crunk should fall down a deep well, never to be rescued, your pleas for help ignored by the likes of Lassie.
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2004-05-11 13:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are sewage.