Not every day i wish for a blocked nose (619 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0.8 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MrCoffee (View user info) at 2004-05-13 02:40:48 EDT
I walk toward my busstop.
200 meters away from the stop my bus pulls in
Fuck!
i start sprinting
100 meters - people still queing up & piling on, beauty
75 meters - still looking good
50 meters - the que is finishing up
25 meters - stragglers are dunking tickets
20 meters - i make eye contact with the driver in his mirror, he pretends not to see me
15 meters - doors shut
10 meters - Driver Guns it
5 meters - i slow to a stop, out of breath and not happy.
while catching my breath in the que, i curse under my breath at the driver. "pig-fucking-cock-smoker, i hope you die in pain"
i hear a throat being cleared andthe old bag next to me says "i beg your pardon" in that "i know bloody well what you said, how dare you violate my ears" tone of voice
i ignore her. stuck up old prude. bite me.
*sniff sniff*
god DAMN she has a lot of perfume on, its a cold and windy morning and despite being up-wind i can still smell it.
sure enough, she's on my bus when it arrives, infact she's the first on followed by myself.
1 vacant seat
damn.
my feet look up at me and say: "you thinking about standing up for an hour? think again"
i like what my feet are saying and take the seat next to stinky-prude-bitch.
god-damn she stinks, its quite strong, if that window wasnt open this could be quite unplesant.
i did mention it was a cold morning didnt i.
it must have been becasue of the refreshing breeze coming through the window threatening to shift her hairspray-and-Cement-atomic-bond perm, to this day i dont know, mabey it was just pure spite, but anyway, she reached over and shut that window.
I put on my headphones and tried to zone out...
Flight of the valkyrie's blasted through my head all too appropriatly as the Enemy gathered its particles together and came rising out of Base Command deep within the collar of a white pressed blouse.
apon gathering, The commanding chief called up the mercinary team codenamed "moth-balls" on the 2-way.
"is this mothballs?"
"yes, how may we be of assistance?
"Its Commander Perfume here, the Collective forces of our army and Your mercinarys are needed immediatly for the S-Day Assault"
"Roger that, will you need crack team Codename "Catspiss"?
"yes. Yes we will indeed, assemble your teams and meet in BaseCamp blouse in 05 minutes"
...
BAM my eyes snapped open. nose hairs tingling.
Oh the SMELL!
holy SHIT that was a potent combination of old-lady smells that just wafted past me, i hope tha...
The cloud engulfed me, The majority of smell receptors being knocked out with the first wave assault consisting mainly of Perfume so strong i could feel my nostrils decaying under the pure density of Stink.
The smell was relentless, i couldnt find any fresh air pockets within nose range so i switch to defense strategy A:
Right, i've stopped breathing now lets see how that goes.......
not bad, stopped yet more funky-jazz from entering my nose, but the imbedded troops are still attacking and i can still smell it
And i'm running out of air.
Switch to Plan B!: Open mouth and resume breathing
I Gasp for air through my mouth and recieve a lungfull of oxygen, sweet scent-less air!
Spotting the hole in mydefense, the funk dives onto my tounge
Christ, i can taste it.
I've lost my nose to the initial attack, its gone, i'm going to have to cut losses and stay with the open mouth breathing technique, tho the nose is getting worse and worse, its actualy starting to create a burning sensation in my sinuses, every vacant smell receptor is 2 deep in acidic perfume, mothballs and cats-piss... i cant ..GHKAAHKK .....BREATHE!.... everything.....going.........black..........
tell....my
girlfirend....i ...love
THUNK
Air.
I CAN BREATHE!
i open my eyes and stare out the recently opened Roof-vent, cubic meters of air are flooding through it blowing the cloud of Stink around me into oblivion. i close my eyes, take a deep breath, a sigh of relief and rest
*time passes*
The doors open and i hobble wounded out into the street, my toung has made a full recovery having flushed the area with orange juce and a Listerene mint strip, however my nose came off worse for wear, its going to need at least a day of clean air to flush out all the embedded troops deep in the caves.
At least i'm alive
User Reviews
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-13 07:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by magical_invisible_torso_man (user info) at 2004-05-13 06:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck the spell check.
old people should be recycled or at the least sealed in plastic
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-13 03:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It could have been amazing, but still was alright.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-13 03:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It had potential to be great. But it was squandered.
Still worth reading.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-05-13 02:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't understand.... did that old twat toot a few? Plus all the spelling mistakes got to me.... spellcheck spellcheck spellcheck.