Inner-Office Sex Scandals, Catfights, and How to Get Promoted (2306 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.88 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Unsound (View user info) at 2004-05-13 08:13:48 EDT
Wooooohooooooo!
Friends, not always have I had to deal with customers day in and day out. Not always have I had to work the ridiculously stupid and unnecessary trouble tickets described in my "The Customer's Always Right-My Ass" series. Once upon a time, in the not too distant past I was a revered figure within my company. I was the manager of our National Accounts department and had nearly 40 people reporting directly to me. But some crazy and unexpected events led to my removal from that position, and I am here to share that story with you today.
It was just about 2 years ago, and my department which I built from the ground up beginning with a mere 2 representatives had been running like a well oiled machine. In recent months though I had sensed something had changed. There was resentment in the air, and it was aimed in my direction. I had the best looking department in the building, and that may or may not have been a coincidence. Yes, I was responsible for all the hiring. Yes, most every woman in my department was attractive. Yes, it was almost all women. But they were qualified. It wasn't like I had 40 Bamby's working for me. I'm sorry, but in the real world, if 2 candidates show up with the same credentials and one is a fat slouching slob and the other has a winning smile and an amazing rack, who do you think is most likely to get the job? My point exactly. Who knows, we might open a front counter someday? It could happen. After all, sales is 80% appearance and 20% knowledge in this industry. I've bought things I didn't need before because a cute chick was selling it. That's why our whole outside sales staff is comprised of cute chicks in short skirts. We've even had bigwigs from our larger clients refuse to deal with a man and request one of these honies to be sent over instead. Well much to my dismay, the less attractive females had caught on and thought that I was favoring some of these girls, which is something I made a point not to do. I tried to maintain my professionalism at all times, but it wasn't always easy. Let me explain.
There was a girl who had expressed interest in coming to my department. We'll call her Sexy Sista. She had a nice firm 34 B rack, light skin, beautiful eyes and an ass that wouldn't quit. She was also small. I love small women. You can get them into all sorts of crazy positions, and I had been attracted to this one since the second I laid eyes on her at a local fast food place one day, not even realizing she worked in the same building I did. I could tell she was attracted to me too, and we had talked about going out but had trouble matching our schedules up. Since I was a playa and she was a playette, we both had a lot going on and finding time to meet up wasn't easy. Not too long after we had begun talking she tells me she wants to come work for me in my department. I was hesitant, because I wanted to bang the hell out of her and I knew this would cause conflicts, but I relented because I already had a lot on my plate and she was a cool chick so I figured it'd be ok if we just remained friends. I made it very clear to her that if she was going to come work for me we had to keep it professional. I thought I could maintain. I though I could deal with it. I was wrong.
Months went by with Sexy Sista working for me, and every day she would come to my desk to ask me completely irrelevant questions, and there would be obvious flirting going on. Like I said, I tried to maintain my professionalism but it's hard to conceal your true feelings sometimes, especially with the giant "indicator" in my pants. (Well ok, maybe not giant, but for the sake of this story...) And it was not just Sexy Sista, all of the attractive girls on my team would come to my desk and flirt with me. Cute girls do that, because they know they're cute. They have confidence. Unattractive girls typically do not, because they typically have lower self-esteem. So when it appeared that I was flirting with and giving my attention to only the attractive females (I tried my best to resist their advances and not flirt back) there was a legitimate scientific reason for that. But the females who felt they were neglected were not happy and from that point on every move I made was under the microscope.
One day one of my team members who'd I'd known for several years, we'll call her Freaky Latin Chick, sends me an email. It seems she overheard Sexy Sista talking to several of her female co-workers in the lunchroom about how I was going to take her shopping that coming weekend. (This was news to me) And reportedly one of the female co-workers responded to her "Take him for ALL his money girl."
Sidenote: ALL my money? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm sorry, excuse me...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I work at the same place you do! Bitch, don't you know I'm broke as fuck?
So back to the story, Freaky Latin Chick, being the cool chick (with the double D's) and good friend that she is, is lookin' out and sends me an email advising me of this. I knew Sexy Sista was a playette, she had guys paying her rent and other guys buying her rims, so this really didn't surprise me and while I thanked her, I told her not to worry about it. The problem was that the nosy ass girl who sitting next to Freaky Latin Chick was a good friend of Sexy Sista and had been looking over FLC's shoulder, so she emails Sexy Sista and tells her about it. Sexy Sista of course emails me immediately and asks (rhetorically) if I got an email from Freaky Latin Chick, and from that point the cat-fight was on.
I manage to get them to leave the building that evening without incident, all the while planning to have discussions with each of them later that night. We were having visitors from our corporate office the next day, so I needed to do whatever I could to diffuse the situation.
I call Freaky Latin Chick first.
FLC: What's up Chris?
Me: Wasssup?
Me: Thank you for telling me what's up with _____ I appreciate it, but as you know we have visitors coming in tomorrow and I can't have any incidents on the floor.
FLC: Chris, you know you're my boy and I told you cuz we cool like that, but if that bitch says one word to me I'm gonna kick her ass! I don't care if I get fired, I'm gonna kick her ass. And if I see her off the premises, it's on!
Me: Look, tomorrow morning I'd like to pull both of you aside so we can all discuss this like mature adults. Would you do that for me? Please? I can't have any incidents tomorrow with corporate there.
FLC: For you, I'll do that, but if that bitch steps to me the wrong way...
Me: I know, I know, you're gonna kick her ass.
FLC: That's right!
Me: Ok, well I'm going to call her right now. Thanks again and I'll see you tomorrow.
I call Sexy Sista and the conversation went pretty much the same, except she wouldn't agree to sit down with FLC. "I have nothing to say to her" she said. But the next morning I managed to change her mind. My manager was out of town and the visitors would be there soon, so I pulled them into my manager's office, shut the door and closed the blinds. Mind you, rumors had been going on about myself and Freaky Latin Chick for a good year or so. I had known her before she came to my department, and we'd gone clubbing together and shit (and even got her out to amateur strip night once) but we were just friends. I didn't think she was interested in me, and didn't find out otherwise until she was already working for me. She didn't press the issue though and neither did I, so we had a nice, professional (although flirtatious) working relationship. Rumors about myself and Sexy Sista had been going around for about 3 months or so, so when all the other women saw these two females follow me into the office, saw me close the door and overheard the noise that ensued, everyone assumed they were fighting over me.
The conversation started off tame enough, myself sitting behind the desk playing the mediator with SS and FLC sitting next to each other in chairs on the opposite side of the desk. That wouldn't last long, however.
FLC: Look, I told Chris because he's my boy, and I'm lookin' out for him the same as I'd look out for any of my peeps.
SS: I understand why you did it, and I can appreciate that, but what's between me and Chris is between me and Chris.
- Voices gradually getting louder -
FLC: Look, I don't care what y'all do outside of here, that's your business, but Chris and I are tight like that and if I see that shit I'm gonna say something about it.
SS: Like I said, what's between us is between us. If we're friends, that's our business. If we're fucking, that's our business, not yours, despite whatever y'all may have going on.
FLC: Same thing with us. Me and Chris are cool but we if we fuckin' or we just friends that's our business, and that ain't got nothing to do with you.
I just sat there speechless. I hadn't ever done anything with either of these girls and yet they refused to admit that in front of each other. It was exactly how you would expect guys to act in this type of situation, protecting their egos and their reputations.
-Louder Still-
SS: Not if I'm around you're not!
FLC: Bitch I'll fuck who I want to fuck!
SS: Who are you calling a bitch?
FLC: You, bitch!
SS: Oh no you didn't!
FLC: You want to take this outside?
Me: LADIES!
I managed to calm them down and agree to disagree (or something like that) without any major blows being thrown. The damage was already done however, as everyone within 50 feet of the office heard what had transpired. I knew it didn't look good. No sooner did my manager return from vacation than I was yanked into her office and confronted about the situation
Me: Look, I never had a relationship or was involved in any sort of inappropriate activity with either of them.
Manager: I'm sorry, at this point it doesn't matter if I believe you or not, perception is reality and enough people believe it so it might as well be true. I have to take some action. You are a liability and I cannot afford to keep you in that position.
I knew she was right. I'm always saying shit like "perception is reality" so it was too easy for her to throw it back in my face, and regardless in this instance it was true. I was a liability, and I knew it. If I stayed in that position it wouldn't be long before the lawsuits started, and I had actually been stressing over it for weeks. Things were getting bad, and I wanted to leave the position, but I wanted to leave on my terms. This was not how I wanted to go out, and suddenly I was pissed. Extremely pissed. Pissed because I lost my job? No. Pissed because I had wanted to bang the snot out of these two chicks for months, and the only reason I didn't was because I was afraid something like this might happen, and it happened anyway. I might as well have banged them. Hell, I might as well have banged all of them for that matter. This sucked. I cannot possibly describe to you in words just how much this sucked. But I would get over it.
They could see I was not in the best frame of mind, so they let me go home early with pay. They had informed me I would be moving to a bullshit position in tech support because they valued my knowledge and wanted to keep me, and that my pay would remain the same. That night I thought about how stressed I had been with my job, and I slowly realized this wasn't such a bad thing. In fact, it ruled. I was to have virtually no responsibility and make manager's salary, except I was going back to hourly so I'd be eligible for overtime. I was afraid of how it would look, but they made up a nice bullshit story as to why I was being transitioned so I could save my dignity, and the transition went smoothly. (Even though most everyone knew what * really * happened- no one spoke of it, at least not in front of me) Slowly my legend grew, and chicks I who had never spoken to me before began coming out of the woodwork. (See Justin Timberlake post) I milked it for all the ass it was worth. My intention was to proceed to bang FLC, but I ended up banging her even hotter FLF (Freaky Latin Friend) instead. We're still good friends to this day, and I still bang her friend on occasion. One of these days I'll snag them both. FLC's cool like that.
No longer being a manager, I decided fuck it, why continue to act like one? I stopped dressing up, started wearing cargo pants and shirts you'd find at Hot Topic. I grew facial hair, made use of my piercings, and pretty much came to work as unprofessional looking as possible. I sat back and collected my paycheck. I became a complete and total slacker. I began showing up for work less and less. We have a stupid policy where you can call in sick as long as you have the time available to you, and you won't be penalized. I used every single hour of my flex time as unplanned, basically calling in whenever I felt like it. My fifth anniversary arrived and I got an extra 2 weeks of vacation time, so I was able to not show up twice as often. I began surfing the internet all day, which is how I came across Ubersite. (Long before I ever started posting here) I began downloading games and running aps that were eating up huge amounts of company bandwith. I had totally inappropriate conversations with numerous females over company email. I continued to be insubordinate, refusing to adhere to stupid policies that didn't make sense. Just last week I told one of them to their face "Look, you can say that's the policy, but I'm going to continue doing what I was doing before. I don't see the point in being a lemming and jumping off a cliff just because everyone else is doing it!" Each day I would push, expecting to get pushed back, but it never happened. Each day I looked over my shoulder expecting to get caught for doing something I shouldn't have, but it never happened. For whatever reason, it's always been like this for me at every job I've ever had. I never adhere to the policies, and not only do I get away with it, I usually end up being promoted.
Today, (yesterday by the time you read this) I was informed that I am being transitioned back to management. Not in a role where I'm managing people (thank God) but in a Business Operations /Project Manager type of role. They'd offered me numerous jobs managing people since that incident, but seeing as they didn't cut my pay when I left they weren't going to give me a raise, so I had no incentive. Plus I would've gone back to salary. They've agreed to leave me on hourly, plus I'll get a nice new fancy title to add to my resume, so what the hell. I'll also be eligible for raises again, so that's a bonus. (Since I was being grossly overpaid in my previous position, I was maxed out salary wise) I only hope this new position doesn't cut into too much of my Uber time.
Valuable lessons I learned during this whole ordeal:
1. If some of your female employees want to give up that ass, you might as well bang them, because even if you don't you're going to get in trouble for it anyway.
2. If word gets out that you're banging several of your team members, all the other chicks in the building will want to bang you because they will feel left out. (You would think this would be a turn-off to chicks, but apparently not)
3. Banging chicks that work for you is a good way to be put on easy street.
4. Babysitting....um....I mean "managing" people sucks.
5. Surfing Uber Site all day, being insubordinate, dressing like a slob, frequently showing up late or not at all, violating nearly every company policy not once but multiple, multiple times and being an overall slacker will get you promoted.
User Reviews
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-11 11:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You were right Belle. The work has been steadily dwindling down for the past couple weeks. I haven't done anything that even remotely resembles work for two days.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-14 06:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that this is in fact true.
Have you ever noticed how until you become a manager yourself you think that all managers are incompetent and that they dont actually do anything?
Well, thats the thing... they dont. And to get to be a manager you have to look like you're doing stuff when in fact your slacking off!
Good advice... not sure about sleeping with everyone you work with mind (unless you're a porn star).
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-05-13 14:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great story.
yay for slacking and promotions.
and +2 for lucky being horny and a kinky nympho on weed.
good times...
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-13 14:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-13 14:30:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well if you're ever in the Wilmington/Raleigh, NC area....I'm horny and bored. : )
Ps. I've recently discovered that weed turns me into a kinky nympho, and I'm looking for someone to help me experiment with using it as a sexual aide.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Wooooohoooooooooooooo!
I live in Charlotte, and I am committed to helping you in any way I can. I'll supply the weed. You supply those 34 C's. :)
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-13 14:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well if you're ever in the Wilmington/Raleigh, NC area....I'm horny and bored. : )
Ps. I've recently discovered that weed turns me into a kinky nympho, and I'm looking for someone to help me experiment with using it as a sexual aide.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-13 13:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If this is you...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/23961
DEFINITITELY
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-13 13:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:07:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-13 08:48:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna be a Freaky Latin Chick.
_________________________________________________________________________________-
You want to have double D's, or you want me to bang you?
Hmmm...both. Can I take that as an invitation?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-13 12:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-13 11:42:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome! Will it involve nudity? I'd love to get paid to be naked. Woo! Naked!
_________________________________________________________________________________-
I'm sure that can be accommodated. I love chicks who love to be paid to be naked.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-13 11:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:33:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:15:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I work for you?
_________________________________________________________________
I won't have any direct reports in my new position, but I'm sure I could create a "special" position for you lojo
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Awesome! Will it involve nudity? I'd love to get paid to be naked. Woo! Naked!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-13 11:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-13 10:31:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nope, only works if you aren't expendable.
_____________________________________________________________________-
Whooooohoooooo for not being expendable!
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-13 10:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nope, only works if you aren't expendable.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"5. Surfing Uber Site all day, being insubordinate, dressing like a slob, frequently showing up late or not at all, violating nearly every company policy not once but multiple, multiple times and being an overall slacker will get you promoted. "
Worked for me!
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:15:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I work for you?
_________________________________________________________________
I won't have any direct reports in my new position, but I'm sure I could create a "special" position for you lojo
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I work for you?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-13 08:48:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna be a Freaky Latin Chick.
_________________________________________________________________________________-
You want to have double D's, or you want me to bang you?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bonus
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bonus
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-13 09:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bonus
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-05-13 08:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Me: LADIES!"
For that line alone.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-13 08:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope Frank Grimes doesn't read this. He'll be pissed.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-13 08:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna be a Freaky Latin Chick.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-05-13 08:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-13 08:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been there.
Try proving your innocence to your wife, for something that is only a rumor.