Cannibal Hamsters (2648 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Method (View user info) at 2004-05-13 22:07:03 EDT
True story. I have taken a bit of license in the telling of the story, for dramatic flair, but it is 100% true.
My cousin and I used to hang out all the time. We were born 2 weeks apart, so we were good friends since we were babies. When we were around twelve years old, we did alot of stupid shit.
So much so, that one day my aunt decided to keep us out of trouble and buy us a hamster.
I don't know why she would do such a stupid thing.
Every few weeks or so, we would go to the local aquarium store, buy 10 goldfish for a dollar, fill a large glass with windex, and giggle as the fish swam around for 3 days until their eyeballs fell out and their flesh fell off. We were the proud owners of 10 eyeless, fleshless zombie fish. We were pretty upset when Fleshie the Fishie and his cohorts died. But anyway.
This hamster was pregnant. Very pregnant. 3 days after we got her, she decided to nonchalantly walk around the living room (we let her run loose most of the time) and eject tiny little hamster babies all over the floor. It was pretty fucking disgusting. We scooped up the babies and stuck them into the hamster tank. One of them fell into the little water bowl we had set out. He died.
Flash forward a few months. By this time, all the original 8 children that had survived had fornicated rigorously with their siblings and had more babies. And more babies. And more babies. We bought them a bigger cage because we were running out of room. Most of them had the equivalent of hamster Down Syndrome, and would do the stupidest shit. One of them could never figure out the hamster wheel, and would try and run on the outside of the wheel. We called him Einstein. The other notable genius in the group would shove so much food in his pouches that he had to walk backwards, and drag his face around. We called him "Fat Fuck". My favorite two mental monstrosities, however, were Knick and Knack. They battled furiously, constantly, tearing at eachother but never really doing any damage. They would roll around in the tank, fur flying, teeth gnashing, each trying to get an upper hand.
The fourth batch of babies was really fucked up. At this point, we had 32 hamsters. This is where things got scary.
Me: What the fuck is that?
My cousin: I dont know. It looks like....oh my god....
Yes, there was a dead hamster in the cage. Not only was he dead, but his front half had been devoured. The bottom half of his torso had been left to rot. Apparently, hamster asshole isn't a delicacy.
We had cannibals in our midst.
I scanned the cage, looking for culprits. My gaze froze on Sabretooth. He eyed me warily, daring me to make the accusation. This guy was the alpha male. He had teeth the size of a rabid wolverine, and would terrorize the rest of the crew.
It was obvious it was him. Besides his blood soaked fur and the fact that he had what looked like the beginnings of a string of hamster ears around his neck, he was the only one capable of such an atrocity.
We left the corpse in the cage. I wasnt touching it. We were thoroughly disgusted.
A week later, we noticed another corpse. The next day, another. Sabretooth and his sister, Scarface, sat in the corner, their bellies bloated, surrounded by little hamster cadavers. They were a vicious fucking tag team.
And then there were 10. 10 Hamsters left. The smell was beginning to overwhelm us. We carefully separated the others from Sabretooth and Scarface with a piece of glass. We pushed the corpses into Sabretooths half of the tank, and left them alone.
The next day, it looked like a bloody massacre had taken place. There were hamster limbs everywhere, on both sides of the cage. The glass was splattered with blood, and there were only 3 hamsters left. I don't know how they had gotten past the glass, but they did. It was brutal.
Sabretooth, Scarface, and the Matriarch. The first hamster that spawned all these demons, and the two cannibals were left. She was in the corner, quivering.
I put on my uncles thick workers gloves, and put my hand in the cage. Sabretooth growled, a low gutteral growl that made the hair on my neck rise up. I quickly snatched Mama hamster from the cage and let her run loose in the house. I then picked up the entire tank with the two demons in it, and tossed it the window of my cousins 5th floor apartment. I looked down to see two tiny little figures scurrying away from the broken glass and hamster corpses. They had survived, and they had escaped.
I don't know where Sabretooth and Scarface are today. I have since moved far away from that location, in hopes that I will never be haunted by them again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-08 01:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you stole this from www.cannibalhamsters.com you plagiarizing asshole
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-06-26 11:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
only post I've ever printed out.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-05-21 01:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought that i was the only one with cannibalistic hamsters.
we only had two at the time,and i didn't know it, but my older brother stopped buying food for them and fed them bean sprouts instead.
i found one of the hamsters laid out one day on its side.
there was a giant, cavernous hole where the midsection used to be.
the other hamster just chilled in the corner.
he died two days later
my brother's an idiot.
yeah, thanks for the fond memories...
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-05-15 19:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-05-15 19:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is great.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2004-05-14 14:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-14 13:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat fuck?
Genius!
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-14 09:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ich, made my stomach turn.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-14 09:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes!
ooooooooooooooooooh
de camptown ladies sing dis song
do dah! do dah!
de camptown racetrack 5 miles long
oh de do dah day!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-14 08:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we really blame Sabretooth? Hamsters are just damn tasty.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-05-14 03:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Omg. You know hamsters always eat their own offspring, right? It's the reason you should get them the fuck away from their parents at birth. +2 for finding that out the hard way.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-14 01:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...for the evil picture of that hamster motherfucker
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-14 01:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another.
Submitted by kiki11288 (user info) at 2004-05-14 00:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is one fucked up story...I like it! 1+ because dead goldfish creep me out.
Submitted by Miss_Sim (user info) at 2004-05-14 00:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-13 23:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I started laughing at the zombie fish and still haven't stopped.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-13 23:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I submitted it to B@W. It should go in a category with "Badass Australian Cows."
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-13 23:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, good lord i was crying laughing
I never say this but B@W
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Method, you are a fucking genius.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one Method
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Super fun! My ex had a cannibal hampster who actually got out of his cage and into the other SEPARATE cage and ate the other 7 hampsters in one night. It was so gross the next morning. And we put that hampster in a beehive.
Submitted by Faceless (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had the smell of hamster piss ..."
ahem...change that for "I hate the smell..." please.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:24:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHA Bigmike gave you a one.
------------------------------------
What's up with the joy conniption ?
I had the smell of hamster piss so any event of hamsters murdering each others brings great joy to my heart. +2
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking hilarious. I'd have liked to hear how the hamsters gnawed through the glass and became mutated rodents that could shoot glass out of their respective anus'.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Freakin hamsters.....
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHA Bigmike gave you a one.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You get a 1 because I have no idea what this means or why it's in there:
Every few weeks or so, we would go to the local aquarium store, buy 10 goldfish for a dollar, fill a large glass with windex, and giggle as the fish swam around for 3 days until their eyeballs fell out and their flesh fell off. We were the proud owners of 10 eyeless, fleshless zombie fish. We were pretty upset when Fleshie the Fishie and his cohorts died. But anyway.
I thought maybe you were going to feed them to the hamsters but no........
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This one did. It was odd. It was a mix between a hiss and a growl. Evil fucker.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hamsters growl??
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-05-13 22:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother had a hamster once, we left for 2 days and it died.
Our hamster was a pussy, you should be glad your hamsters were actually cool.