Student's Liver anxious about returning to college... (477 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.4 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by buzz archer <virgil.archer.at.colorado.edu> (View user info) at 2004-05-14 14:39:31 EDT
Although CU-Boulder student Buzz Archer, soon-to-be-sophomore, describes himself as "excited" to return to campus in the upcoming week, his liver told us today that its feelings on the matter could be called "anxious at best".
Archer's liver said that it understands college can be very beneficial, and initially tried to make the best out of the situation.
"I know that in today's job market, it's very difficult to get a nice income without a college degree," it said, attempting to smile. "And even though Buzz doesn't have a major declared yet and is taking a bunch of gen. ed. classes for his second year in a row, I just know this whole college thing is probably going to turn out for the best for him."
But the liver said that despite this outlook, it is admittedly "at least a bit concerned" about the upcoming level of filtering it is anticipating.
"Let's flash back to last year for a second," it recalled, turning a few shades darker. "I had always heard that college was a big place for drinking, but I thought Buzz would be smarter than that. He was always a pretty good kid."
But "pretty good" or not, Buzz's liver soon experienced a rude awakening from its owner.
"Buzz just started treating me like...like a piece of shit," the liver recalled, exuding blood in an effort to sob. "Every night, a new wave of toxins would come crashing down on me, soaking into me and keeping me up really late dealing with it all. I know it's what I'm meant for and everything, but Jesus, it was really overkill!"
The liver attempted to talk to Archer's brain -- an organ in control of the drinking -- about the situation, but the talks went "nowhere".
"The brain just said, 'Hey, don't cramp our style, square. I've got bigger fish to fry, like getting this woman in bed,'" the liver recalled. "And I'm all for Buzz procreating and spreading our genes, but does alcohol really need to be involved?"
According to the brain, "Shut the fuck up."
"You frigging reporters are always...you know, reporting," the brain slurred. "I ought to take you back to the newspaper you came from, you Pulitzer...Stephen King...assmunchers!"
The brain then attempted to carry out a neuron process but was inhibited by the massive level of alcohol in it, and was forced to temporarily shut down.
Given the escapades of last year, the liver told us, it's "no surprise" that it's anxious about the upcoming year.
"I really don't know how much more I can take," it said fearfully. "I've been trying to send pain messages to Buzz, but that just seems to make him take a whole bunch of Tums, which is probably great for stomach, but not me!"
"Awww yeah," said the stomach, coated a milky white colour. "I'm feelin' the Tums love."
"Jesus Christ, keep it the fuck down...down there," the brain shouted, pulsating painfully. "I ache like a fucking bitch. What the hell was I thinking?"
The brain activated several neuron processes, and eventually arrived at the conclusion that more alcohol was needed to subdue the effects of the ache, causing a loud groan from the liver...
User Reviews
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-06-05 09:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Plagiarism - how we love thee.
Prect.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-05 08:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This was great, until I heard that it was stolen. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-06-05 07:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My god I hate you. I read through this, and by the end I was wishing that there was a +3 option.
Thankfully someone pointed out what a blatant imposter you are.
May whatever deity you believe in treat you like you raped his sister.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-14 16:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stealing makes baby jesus cry.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i thought it was funny but-2 cuz nobody likes a thief
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For this post's blatant plagiarism and this comment:
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-14 15:08:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Home: 303-786-2319
Give Buzz a call at home.
=======================
You are a fuckshit.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-14 15:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Home: 303-786-2319
Give Buzz a call at home.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
credit where its due.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2004-05-14 14:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
um, nevermind. dickflap.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2004-05-14 14:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good ideas, but it didn't make me want to read it from the beginning. Not bad...
Submitted by Mercutio (user info) at 2004-05-14 14:47:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
http://www.enduringvision.com/archives/students_liver_anxious.htm
It's generally good to cite the stuff you post here on Uber, or at least mention that you got it from a source outside of yourself.
-2 for making it look like your own
+1 because I liked the Tums comment