Just like the old man in that famous book by Nabokov (1931 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 2 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by itchy <Mritchytoyou.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-14 14:45:20 EDT
Don't sell pro
Don't sell pro
Don't sell propane to me.
I am a man of uncommon fortitude. I am not bragging. It is a simple fact.
For years I have battled. I have struggled and I have striven to overcome the flaws inherent to my gender. For years I have fought and I had not failed.
It came to a point where I could take pride in my ability to withstand the forces that had assailed me. I managed to overcome three years of "long-distance relationship" while I was in college and away from my girlfriend (my wife now). I remained faithful to her and was able to maintain a healthy social life that did not require me to remain cloistered away from the fairer sex.
I was strong. I was not tempted.
But I am strong no more. I have fallen prey to the same affliction that has befallen so many of my brethren as they pass a certain age.
I have become, at last, a dirty old man.
It happened last Sunday. On Mother's day of all days.
I had attempted to restock the propane tank for my grill the day prior. The contemplated transaction was not a refilling, as I had been accustomed to over the years, but one of those new-fangled tank exchanges.
I took my old empty tank to one of those home renovation superstores and paid for the exchange. I paid less, because my grill is equipped with an OPD valve (I'm cutting edge).
However, I failed to pay attention to what the window-licking peon exchanging my tank was doing, and did not notice that he replaced my OPD tank with a non-OPD replacement. Instead of catching the mistake and demanding that Jo-jo the idiot circus boy corrected, I took the tank, put it in my car and went home.
Arriving home I realized the mistake and returned to the super-store, receipt in hand. At the customer service desk I am informed that they are now completely out of propane.
"Fuck," I say.
"Indeed," replies the Helpful Customer Service Representative.
Time for plan B. There is a gas station on the way home; they have a propane tank exchange thingie. I can't lie and say they gave me the wrong tank, so I guess I will have to buy a new tank. Okay, you never know when you are going to have an impromptu grill extravaganza; it might be a good idea to own two propane tanks.
I make haste to the gas station and make my entrance.
Because it is Mother's day and there are several mothers at my house waiting on me to procure propane, there is a hellacious line at the counter of the gas station.
Chewing back my agitation, I find my place in line and settle in for what I anticipate will be an excruciating eternity of suffering. I'm not really all that good at being patient.
But, being stuck in line gives me the opportunity to take in a few of the knuckle-draggers I find myself in line with. Nothing helps pass the time like feeling superior to those around you. Let's see, we've got a couple construction worker types buying beer. Must be what? 10:30 a.m. already? Damn boys, better drink up.
Shit. Maybe I should get some beer too. There are after all, several mothers at my house waiting on me to procure propane. Ahh. Probably better not.
Then we've got Jose. He's holding what looks to be his paycheck. Cashing your paycheck at the gas station. Awesome. Dude, I know it is a crazy concept, but: bank account and direct deposit. Give it a try. You can thank me later. Oh, wait. If you have a bank account, then your creditors can tap into it. Stupid me. Cash will always be king.
Then there's the old guy. Black socks with sandals. A look that never gets old. He can't figure out how to swipe his credit card through the computer thingamajig. The cashier good-naturedly leans over the counter to help Grandpa out.
And that's when I notice . . . her.
Oh dear God.
If you are a FLAMING dork, like myself, you may be familiar with a series of video games named Final Fantasy. If you are, and you are familiar with versions "X" and "X-2" I will tell you that this girl bore a striking relationship to the character Rikku.
Probably five foot six and athletic. She wore her dirty-blonde hair up for the most part with the exception of four playful braids, two on either side that fell forward framing her face.
Her face itself was home to the largest green eyes I have ever seen and they sparkled with the smile she held on her face, even in the face of Grandpa Blacksock's ineptitude. It was, the face of an angel.
Feeling my heart being to beat faster, I drank her in with my eyes. The garish tee shirt she was wearing bespoke her personality. Bright orange, it audaciously advertised "CANCUN" and I had never wanted to see Mexico as badly as I did in that moment.
Noticing the things the shirt concealed, or tried, I knew that this was bad, bad news. Pert plus is not only the name of a shampoo. But more than just the perkiness of her assets, I noticed something she may not have intended to broadcast.
It was not cold in the station that day, and yet it was almost as if I were watching an episode of "Friends." Nipplage. No, strike that. NOT nipplage.
Beadage.
Oh yeah. Those are tiny little nipple rings with beads on them. Of course they are. Because she wasn't beautiful enough, now she's gotta be kinky too.
Just then she turns to hand Grandpa his credit card, flashing me a smile. Titanium white. And I see her right shirt sleeve slip up her arm. Yup. Tattoo. Cool looking black tribal/Celtic looking thing. I didn't get the chance to see what it was exactly, but it was NOT flash off the studio wall. Custom work. Just like mine, which is also on my right shoulder. Damn.
Time stops for a while and suddenly Grandpa, Jose and the construction workers are gone and Rikku is smiling at me again.
"W-What?" I stutter.
"Can I help you?" she says laughing at me as I come out of my stupor.
Oh God, it is the sound of pure joy.
"Uh, I need some propane. I noticed you have an exchange thing outside."
"You bet. Are you exchanging?"
"Actually, no. I need to buy a whole tank."
"Hmmmm," she says, leaning over the register and peering intently at the numerous buttons.
She may have said something else, but I was the curve of her hip as it rose from the waistband of her cargo pants. I got lost contemplating the fact that nothing in the history of creation would fit my hand so well as what I was looking at. Her hip was why I HAD hands.
I could see the edge of her red underwear peeking out too.
Decisively standing up, she tells me to "hang on a sec," because she needs to call the main office. In short order she dials and is put on hold.
I want to hear her voice again, so I attempt to make small talk.
"I'm trying to grill some stakes."
I have a real gift for stating the obvious. This was just to throw her off in case she thought I was trying to make a fertilizer bomb or something, I guess. I honestly don't know what I was trying to get across to her, other than I am a blithering idiot.
Somehow, miraculously, she took up the thread of the conversation, and things got much, much worse.
I found out that she was really only working at the gas station to meet people. Not people to be friends with, just interesting people. She was going to school too. She wanted to be a writer in some fashion, but wasn't too concerned. Things would turn out okay.
She didn't have to work this job. She had a fairly sizable trust fund. Her father, before he passed away, had invented and held the patent on "the wheel"; and her mother, before she passed away had invented the word "the." So either time one of these inventions were used, Rikku got a little more money.
She had spent the last two years "following the snow." Hanging out in one hemisphere for the winter and snowboarding the mountains in that hemisphere, then moving to the other hemisphere when spring came. She considered herself an "okay" snowboarder. She was thinking about going pro next year.
In her off time she enjoyed: bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting provocative underwear, drinking beer, playing video games on her giant plasma screen TV and listening to punk rock music. She loved the Descendents and Gorilla Biscuits the most.
She found older, socially awkward men attractive.
Okay, the last six paragraphs I made up, but I am fairly sure that is what I would have learned about her had I been able to speak about anything other than propane tanks and cow meat.
She eventually got off hold and learned that a new propane tank would run me about $70 bucks. "I'd say 'fuck it' and get a pizza if it were me," she told me.
And that's exactly what I did. Nothing says, "I love you Honey & Mom" like pizza.
Matthew 5:28
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Well . . . . shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hott
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It has just come to my attention that you are a boy junglejimanee - please disregard my last comment.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pic ! pic ! pic!
i want a 29 year old that looks 18 woo!
There is a vacancy.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58418
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:55:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Jeses, just read what I wrote, correction: most jailbait reckon that they are too old for me or something like that
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The irritating thing for me is that I look 18, yet I am 29. Most jailbait reckon they are too young for me.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 10:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Then we've got Jose. He's holding what looks to be his paycheck. Cashing your paycheck at the gas station. Awesome. Dude, I know it is a crazy concept, but: bank account and direct deposit. Give it a try. You can thank me later. Oh, wait. If you have a bank account, then your creditors can tap into it. Stupid me. Cash will always be king. """
Awesome as I said below but 'knowing' you a little better now that paragraph made me a little angry at you.
Cheap shot.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-20 08:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this.... it's damned funny.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-20 07:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-20 07:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-05-15 12:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent.
Not mind blowing, but I can identify with you.
+1
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-05-15 02:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to start going to gas stations more often
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-05-15 01:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quiet good. Altho those Japanese cartoon bitches arent even attractive.
"steaks'
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-05-15 01:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NA: I hear you, and I feel your pain. Because I am a classic closet case self loather, I was cheating at the aforementioned Final Fantasy X-2, and chose to take a certain course of events which was supposed to allow me to view a scene featuring a certain threesome enjoying a hot spring. Yeah, they were wearing bathing suits. No pillow fights. Nothing. Man, funk dat.
By the way kids, write a post that says, "I wanna kill me some A-rabs!" and you get over 1,000 hits. Write one in the vein of a classic work of literature and quoting a FUCKING classic song, and you get about 200.
Viva la knuckle-draggers!
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-05-14 20:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know what ya mean.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-05-14 19:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a great story.
American Beauty (the film with Kevin Spacey) also has an interesting perspective on the lolita phenominon.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-05-14 19:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki: My ability to quote Finding Nemo as deftly as I do Monty Python and the Holy Grail (easter egg) slays the lady every time.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-14 18:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliantly brillianted by a brilliant brillianter.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-05-14 17:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...the accusations fly.
I'm 26 in July. But I've been a dirty old man since I was 21. I don't think the 18~20.5 age group will ever take second place to any other age group.
But another sub-point here is the problem with today's video games. They're making the girls so hot and desirable, yet we are never rewarded with full frontal. Only low cut tops and cute giggles. Why? If I'm not going to see CGI tits and mound, then what's the point of CGI? Discuss...
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-14 17:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, it's Rikku.
Submitted by MrPrickle (user info) at 2004-05-14 17:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"She found older, socially awkward men attractive."
it's funny how many young girls feel that way - the checkout chicks at my local supermarket can't seem to get enough of me.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-14 16:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A deserved +2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-14 16:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She was turned on by your car seat and that coating of French fries in the back of your minivan. What woman wouldn't go wild over that?
Submitted by Fartman <Fartman.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-05-14 15:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for you Mr. Itchy.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A newborn and a wandering eye.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If your eye causes you to sin gouge it out...
Not really, if we took that verse literally we men would be left with only our belly button.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think images of youth equate with concepts of health and fertility and we are wired to find that attractive.
I should note that the girl in the story had to have been at least 19. Not quite half my age, more like 61.2903258064% my age.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeremy Irons kicks ass in all things, no matter what.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeremy Irons was the perfect actor for the movie...I liked Kubricks version too, but it didn't touch me as much.
I'm gonna re read that book this weekend.
In a way though, aren't all men pedophiles? All of my girlfriends have one thing in common, slim and small bodies--I'm not saying I'd nail a 12 year old, but I know what I like on a woman's body, and the best comparison is the body of a developed 12 year old...without the nasty prison term that comes along with nailing 12 year olds.
I didn't mean to be crass, but it's true.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great title.
Submitted by moebius (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She wants him so badly, knows what she wants to be....
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
young teacher, the subject, of schoolgirl fantasy..
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Humbert Humbert
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shitfuck: Yes, Lolita. The title is also a line from "Don't stand so close to me," by the Police.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid writing...
I imagine the old man to be from Nabokov's Lolita?
Humpery or something rather, Hubert Humprey? I can't remember, but it was a great book--really raises a interesting question about love...
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh a few times. +2
And I really liked the writing style. Must now go through your back posts for more of this..