Taking Vengence on "That Guy" (948 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.86 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by conrad <ball0395.at.rogers.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-14 14:46:49 EDT
A short anecdote inspired by (I think) drink_DDT's post regarding "That Guy". I imagine that most, if not all those Uberers who have ever worked in food or drink service have encountered "That Guy" on many occasions, the drunken asshole who rolls up after the bars kick out (or more often after he is kicked out of the bars), and has somehow formed the notion that it is his, or more occasionally her, divine right to make the server's life as miserable as possible. As a consequence of this, it would be the rare server who has not inwardly seethed, harbouring complex revenge fantasies which more often than not reach fruition as the vibrant green gob of phlegm in the burger, or urine in the soft drink.
Similarly, I imagine that most of those who worked their way through college in fast food service know all this very well, and make a point, whatever their sodden condition, of at least being civil towards those who are doing their best to provide them with largely thankless service at minimum wage, or at least until they receive their food. In any case, I think that most would agree that no-one deserves automatic ill-treatment as a consequence of their lowly positions, and that "Those Guys" pretty much deserve what's coming to them. This is one such tale of vengeance, and a creative one at that.
I wasn't actually working in the burger place at the time, but I had a good friend who was, and more often than not I'd go in after the pubs shut with a bottle of JD which Roger (for the purpose of the story) and I would spend an hour or two drinking until closing time at 2am. A good quantity of alcohol was often necessary as a foil against the incredible quantity of assholes who would descend upon the place late at night. We lived in a seaside town at the time, full of pubs and second-rate nightclubs, and for some reason such places tend to attract more than their fair share of idiots who can't handle their drink and mutate into "That Guy" at the slightest provocation. Many was the fight that had broken out in the joint, and many was the pile of puke that had been unceremoniously dumped on the floor without so much as a "by your leave" - it would inevitably fall to Roger, the youngest staff member, to clear these up, and by the time "That Guy" made his entrance, he was already at the end of his tether. Typically attired in "That Guy" uniform too: designer jeans, Burberry shirt, Burberry baseball cap, expensive loafers, obviously thought himself something a bit special - we'd encountered him before. He swayed up to the counter, blearily peering at the price board behind the counter, closely followed by his equally drunk friends, bent on assholery:
"Right asshole, I want a double cheeseburger, fries and a coke, and make it snappy, you got that? A fuckin' double cheeseburger, FRIES AND A COKE," as if Roger were some kind of invertebrate.
"Yessir" he mumbled through gritted teeth.
"Whaddyou say? Louder."
"YES SIR."
"That's more like it. And I don't want nothing that's been sitting around neither; fresh, you goddit, ASSHOLE?"
"YES SIR."
"Fuckin' right."
Roger popped his head round the corner as the fry cook went to work, and said "Conrad, could you take the rest of these guy's orders please, there's something I have to do." Loath though I was to deal with this bunch, I agreed to do it: I knew how to punch things into the cash register, and was willing to take a few minute's abuse if it meant that that this asshole would soon be munching on Roger's phlegm. However, after about five minutes, he hadn't come back, and as a consequence of a night's beer-drinking, followed by half a bottle of JD, my bladder was about to explode, and I'd also had all the abuse I could take from the dickheads who were waiting for their orders. How long did it take to hack up a greenie anyway? I called the fry cook to stand out front whilst I went for a piss.
Upon entering the toilet, I was greeted by the sight of Roger, a double cheeseburger held vertically, splayed apart in his left hand, cock in his right, wanking furiously into the burger, neck veins bulging, beads of sweat rising on his forehead. Indeed, I had walked in just in time to see him shoot a rope of cum into the centre of the burger in lieu of the "special sauce". Well, I suppose it was "special" sauce after a fashion. Hilarious though I found this, one's best friend wanking is not really what one wants to see, so I turned round and walked straight back out to the front where the natives were getting restless, and even more abusive. I found myself idly wondering whether it would be possible to purchase out of date cum by the pint from the local sperm bank, or indeed even get it free, mopped from the floor of the local gay bathhouse, as I felt that every one of "These Guys" could benefit from a little burger insemination. Secondly, I found myself wondering how Roger had managed to get himself aroused in such a short space of time by a burger; not entirely surprising as we were eighteen at the time, an age at which it's possible to become turned on by the warmth of a bus seat recently vacated by an old lady, but still:
Roger emerged with the burger, and presented it proudly to "That Guy", who immediately started eating it.
"Is everything alright sir," said Roger with total subservience.
"Too fuckin' salty, but I suppose it'll 'ave to do," he said, and continued eating.
By this time, the rest of the orders had arrived, and the mob were leaving. I took Roger aside and asked him the question that had been plaguing me:
"How did you manage to get turned on by, and get off on, the sight of a double cheeseburger in the space of five minutes?" I said.
"If you hold them sideways, they look like pussy," said he.
And with a great deal of imagination, and an eighteen-year-old libido, I suppose they just might do.
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-07-29 23:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha! marvelous, a real treat. i had not read this previously because i was fed up with all the 'that guy' nonsense that was going on before.
this is a lovely sentance: "As a consequence of this, it would be the rare server who has not inwardly seethed, harbouring complex revenge fantasies which more often than not reach fruition as the vibrant green gob of phlegm in the burger, or urine in the soft drink."
and the bus seat warmed by the old lady also very funny and apt.
re the labial nature of burgers, funilly enough a depraved friend of mine many years ago claimed to see that resemblance as well. as far as i know he never actually made love to them though.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-22 01:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ack
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-05-16 15:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Revenge is so sweet (or should I say salty).
Submitted by C_Is_For_Ctupid (user info) at 2004-05-16 12:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why, whenever I go to a fast food restaurant(especially the drive-thru), I treat the people who work there with as much respect as I would give towards the President of the United States.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-16 11:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Hilarious if true
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-14 22:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's grim, but genuinely amusing.
Submitted by silverhaze (user info) at 2004-05-14 22:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.... And that concludes todays lesson on the power of the people. Any question?
I used to work in the cafeteria at my school after dinner. So I know where this is coming from. I wish i had the balls your friend did. I especially wish i had heard the "tastes salty" line.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-05-14 21:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Time to start being suuuuuper nice to people at fast food places.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-14 18:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...if you hold them sideways they look like pussies!
I can't wait to use that line in front of my girlfriend!
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-05-14 17:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**PUKE!!**
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-05-14 17:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lottza Mozza.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-05-14 17:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
bullshit flag...........15 yard penalty.........unbelievable context.....still third down.....(arm twirling to start the clock again).......*whistle*
Submitted by Adona at 2004-05-14 16:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Submitted by Beren (user info) at 2004-05-14 16:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too fucking great!!! A warning to those not to be that guy.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-14 16:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disgustingly funny.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-05-14 16:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed my ass off at it's a little salty
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what notap said
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it. The beauty is in the details. Basically, you could say "some guys came into the burger joint and they were real assholes so my friend jizzed in one guys burger and watched him eat it".
But you've said the same thing in a much more eloquent and entertaining way. Nice one.
That being said, please never again talk about feeding another guy cum.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck'em
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when an asshole gets his comeuppance, so to speak.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-14 15:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Icky, icky, icky.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2004-05-14 14:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MMMmmmmmmm.... I wanna try a burger from where HE works!
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-05-14 14:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked with a guy in a restaurant that used to do shit like this. It's vicious. It's also why I tip at least 25% on every check.