Intergalactic Debacle or Why I don't go to the newsagents no more (665 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.53 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ubersucks (View user info) at 2004-05-15 09:09:55 EDT
So the other day I was walking into town and I went to my local newspaper merchant's. I perused through copies of my favourite magazine, and then walked up to the cashier's desk and handed it over to the guy.
BUT WHOA FUCK IT WASN'T A GUY IT WAS A FUCKING ALIEN!!!
And he said "F*53))3>/|+!!" and I said "Hey fuck you you pasty green bastard!" and he just flipped out and pulled out what I can only imagine was some sort of anal probe, because it looked like a massive green dildo with a microchip at the end. With one of his other gazillion arms he pulled out a massive tub of astroslippery lubricant and started to rub two of his hands with it, spewing purple vomit all over the place.
I just ran out screaming "Fucking ALIEN! Fucking ALIEN!!!!!" to random people as I ran away, but I could hear the neutron-petrol whirr of his hovercraft coming after me, so I screamed even louder, until I ran round a corner and crashed into a pile of cans of baked beans that someone had left lying around.
I was disorientated, and I thought he was gonna be right in front of me, so I blindly started throwing cans around singing "You can roll a silver dollar". I opened my eyes and he wasn't there yet cos his hovercraft had broken down, but he had an intergalactic AA card and some orange guy was using his head (which was funnel shaped) to pour some more petrol into his machine, so I had no time. I looked around and saw that I'd hit a bunch of old people - must've been a convention or something- and they were all writhing around crying about their hips after I'd hit them with cans of baked beans so, I pulled down a random bookcase that was there on top of them, then I sprinted out.
Just as I was scrambling away though some old biddy grabbed me and wouldn't let go. "What's the problem sonny!?" she kept repeating, so I had to slug her in the gut. I wasn't happy about doing it but there was a fucking alien after me. Running away again I started screaming about fucking aliens again and then I saw a window in the shopping centre, leading down onto the street, so I ran headlong into it and smashed it. But it was only my head that went through, s my legs slipped from under me and I broke my neck. I was like "fuck", so I pulled my head out and wrapped a vine I saw hanging there for no reason around my neck, but then I thought "no, I could swing from it" so I grabbed a nappy from some kid and wrapped it around my neck instead.
Then I grabbed the vine and swung towards the glass again, but it turned out the vine hadn't reattached itself when I pulled it down like in Tarzan and stuff so I broke out the window and landed on a London Cab that for some reason was there. The cabbie got angry, threw a can of tenants at me and said "lorra shit you've put me in me ole mate, go up the apples and pairs!" but I couldn't move so I just stared at him so he eventually pulled me off his car roof and riffled through my wallet and stole all the money. He was pulling out my gold fillings when the codgers arrived and drove me to a prison.
True story.
User Reviews
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-06-08 17:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom's just jealous because he would have bent over for the alien and probably held his hand.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-06-07 11:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Blow blow blow my man down.
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-05-16 07:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sideburns- What does that mean? ubersucks loves 3?
Oh well, thanks anyway.
I'm in a nice mood so i was considering apologising for my last post, but hell it was a joke and people over-react too much, so I'm not gonna justify their reactions.
Submitted by Socially_Distorted (user info) at 2004-05-16 03:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-05-16 03:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ubersucks <33
Submitted by DancingHobo (user info) at 2004-05-15 14:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn those people who leave cans of beans in the street.
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-05-15 11:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh. A -1.07 or something followed directly by a + 1.77
....weird
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-15 10:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe. Very nice.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-15 10:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2; this was funny.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-15 10:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Redefining the term "So bad it was brilliant".
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-15 10:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus 2 Saturday!
This was funny.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-15 09:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-15 09:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehehe, demented.
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-05-15 09:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh....optical illusion. These fuckign aliens and they're goddam optical illusions.....it really is green...
Submitted by vex (user info) at 2004-05-15 09:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You said the Dildo was green. That picture is clearly of some other alien.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-15 09:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not the most endearing of names you've got there...
This was a funny, if completely messed-up, story.
Submitted by Sicgrrl (user info) at 2004-05-15 09:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if you wondered what I look like - now you know.
North London Motherfucker.