How to silence a room full of drunken actors. (728 hits)
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Submitted by Magicaddict (View user info) at 2004-05-17 07:47:11 EDT
Recently, my Uni musical group finished a very successful run of our show for the year. We filled the theatre, got laughs, didn't make many mistakes, got good reviews, managed not to assassinate the sound engineer, you get the picture.
After handing round various gifts on the stage and helping pack the gear down, the entire cast and crew descended on one of the cast members' house for the party. It was good - everyone was at least fairly happy, there was an abundance of alcohol (w00t for it being legal to drink it here), and things were generally lined up for a good night.
The drinking games were in full flow, and we managed to get everyone in the room participating when we started playing "I've never...". In case you aren't aware what that is, someone comes up with something (embarrassing) that they've never done, and anyone who HAS done it takes a drink, usually to the sound of mocking (or applause if it was really impressive). Being students, and drunk, we were doing some fairly impressive ones ("I've never woken up next to one of my friend's parents" - causing a guy to drink twice as he'd woken up with both of them; "I've never engaged in a threesome composed entirely of members of my own sex" - one guy, one girl. Applause all round.)
I, however, was in trouble.
It wasn't that I'd done a lot of stuff, in fact I'd had to keep drinking outside of the game because I times I was getting thirsty, but we'd been playing for two hours and I was running out of things to say. After watching the back go round and approach me, after some time spent seriously thinking, I had one lined up nicely: "I've never utilised sexual favours to gain professional or academic advancement" - nothing too off the wall, but guaranteed to get some interesting responses.
Then, it happened. The bastard next to me overheard me preparing it and used it himself.
It worked well, good responses. It also left me with seconds to think of another one. The train of thought in my drunken state of mind went something like this:
"Aaaaggh...something not too crazy. Remember, these are actors and actresses. Highly strung and susceptible to opinions and self-righteous morals."
"Fuck 'em. Give 'em something MIND-BENDING!"
"Nooooo! What'll they say tomorrow? I know these people! I see them around! I can't say anything too ridiculous!"
"You've already had a guy own up to a single sex threesome, WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND IN THE ROOM. Grow up - make the colour drain from their hypertense little faces."
"I can't. It's...not right..."
"Fuck you. Initiating brain override, command code SICFUK001"
"I've never utilised human excrement for sexual purposes."
The above space is a small example of the situation that presented itself to me after that particular little line was delivered.
Somewhere, a hundred miles away, someone dropped a pin onto a pile of mattresses. I swear to God I heard it.
I'd just invited people to tell me about their shit fetishes. At a cast party, full of fairly normal people, I'd put out a general request to tell about how they get off on human waste.
Everyone was looking at me. There was nowhere to hide - people's eyes burned into me from all sides. The director looked like he was going to be sick. The leading lady's face twisted in what looked like pain. Well, so ends the story of my acquaintance with THESE people, I thought. The looks in their faces said it all - I was a sick, sick fuck who really was out of place anywhere but an asylum.
Just then, the unthinkable happened.
No, you sick bastards - one lone person didn't take a drink. That would have been too cliché for words. No, it was far more weird than that.
Everyone took a drink. En masse.
"What, and you haven't?"
I would have carried on getting my coat and leaving, probably at a dead run in the light of the recent development, if after a couple of terrible seconds in which I think someone dropped the pin onto the mattresses again, they hadn't all dissolved in laughter. Oh, I was called a sick fuck, but everyone found it hilarious. What this said about the society itself, I don't particularly want to know.
FOOTNOTE:
I know find myself elected as treasurer of said society, and will be trying to think of an even more extreme line, probably involving dead lepers, for the next cast party.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-19 00:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93686
Never have i ever has made it so i now longer have any secrets
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2004-05-19 15:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok read this, almost fell over laughing, showed it to boyfriend, same reaction. Great game, haven't played it sinse I was about 13 though!
Submitted by JMcBride (user info) at 2004-05-17 14:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-05-17 07:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't get it, everyone had, or everyone hadn't? It sounded a lot like they all drank en mass just to fuck with you.
If they all had, then my god, what do these actor types get up to when the curtain goes down....
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-17 07:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One day I'll get round to proof reading these things properly.