Oh the Places I go (326 hits)
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Submitted by <daswk.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-17 10:58:38 EDT
I should never be let out of my house alone. It is that simple. I have the navigational sense of a crack addicted, mentally handicapped monkey with a broken compass and half a map of Six-Flags. No, wait I'm worse, I don't even own a map.
Let me explain, every single time, and I do mean EVERY time, I go on a trip of some sort, I get lost. Somehow, someway I manage to find a way to lose myself in each city I visit. It has happened in Roanoke, in Indianapolis, in Bermuda(not a city, but about as small as one), Atlanta, New York, Jersey City, Trenton, Madison, and yes even the city I have lived my ENTIRE life...Twice recently.
I'm not talking about taking a wrong turn down a small street and having to take a U-Turn to get back on course. I'm speaking of a full on half-hour or more, anger wells inside the deepest core of your being, wishing you could shoce your worthless directions up whoever invented mapquests ass, lost.
One of the worst was one of the most recent, and most embarassing. I got lost for more than two WHOLE hours less than twenty minutes from where I have lived for about 18 years. Yes, two hours in the space where I have spent my entire life...I'm THAT bad.
Although, it isn't entirely my fault, I am just too trusting. It's not that I don't have any common sense, it's just that I choose to ignore what little of it I have. Case and point my two hour delay.
I am trying to get up to northern Virginia, it is normally about an hour and a half drive...yes my little "sidetrip" lasted longer than my trip across half my state. I've been driving for about twenty or so minutes, dutifully following what mapquest tells me when I hit a snag. Mapquest tells me I am to take a left, a left on a highway,a left to go towards Ashland. Now it's not bad enough that it told me to take a left on the highway, in case you are wondering, on that stretch of road...there are a total of zero left turns. That's not what really got me, it's the fact that...there was no sign for Ashland anywhere near there.
I sigh as I realize that yes, I am going to get lost, and yes, what lies between my legs prevents me from asking for directions, despite passing many a gas stations AND having a fully charged cell phone in my pocket. Yes, I am a man, wanna fight about it? Me neither, I'm also a coward...*remembers he is online* wait wait, sure lets go, I'm six foot four, drive a really fast and expensive sports car, and am a black belt...yeah, that's it. *sobs inwards*
I take the most random exit I find, and drive straight into the nexus of the universe. An arrangement of streets and buildings arranged in such a way as to completely disregard any preset ideas as to what "normal" should be.
On one side of a street their are run-down, delapidated houses, with overgrown grass, broken down cars and washing machines in the yards, complete redneckville...and on the otherside of the road you ask? Huge, stately houses. Very expensive looking cars, nicely manicured landscapes. Even lush gardens sprinkled about sporadically. Odd, I think to myself, but I press on a bit more.
Whoosh, an old lady who looks to be about 80-90 years old flies past me on a bicycle, a pink, frilly bike. Complete with streamers from the handlebars and a little bell. The old woman then runs smack dab into the curb and goes flying face first into the mud of the red neck side of the street. Heh, funny.
I continue to delve deeper into this strange land. A rough looking liquor store is a stone's throw away from a Pier One. The only fast food resteraunt is a KFC, there is no Wal-Mart, but there is a 7-11 a fancy looking French Resteraunt.
I take a left and hit an interesting sight. A golf course, full 18 holes and a nice looking club house. First time I had seen a full course without a pompous looking white guy playing. Also the first time I had seen a golf course with an OBVIOUS drug deal or two going down in front of it, actually on the front curb. Directly on the other side of the golf course was an Elementary School.
Then the finale, what really hammered the point home that I shouldn't be in this strange and wondrous land. I was admiring a new string of houses, even what could almost be called a mansion or two, I notice I quite drastic change...I am in the hood. A place I don't belong. I notice many people on the streets watching me pass. It feels as if all eyes are on me. I speed up rather quickly and get my ass out of their, noticing the pawn shop samwiched between a florist and a Hallmark.
I quickly find my way back to the highway and thank the stars I am out of that strange land never to return...until a half hour later when I make the same fucking wrong turn and pass back through that topsy turvery world, that I could swear shifts it's geography every few minutes to confuse those who mistakenly wander through...I could have sworn those upscale tennis courts weren't next to the delapidated basketball courts, littered wit bottles of beer.
Honestly, I am horrible with directions, I really shouldn't be allowed to leave the house without a leash or one of those ankle bracelets those under house arrest wear. This isn't even taking into account how I got lost for an hour downtown, getting turned around in the 200 foot walk to my car...I am so pathetic.
User Reviews
Submitted by ninjatut (user info) at 2004-05-17 14:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Here you go: 2004 Mazda3 4door w/ navi $20,000
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-17 11:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
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