Tom vs. Dano: PS2 Challenge (4453 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.9 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-05-17 15:29:07 EDT
A few weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to arrange a visit from some internet friends of mine. I was able to convince Domenad (real name: Tony) to bring the wife up from dreary old Tampa to visit us here in Indianapolis. I also got Scott_James (a.k.a. Scott James) to take a break from servicing Kristen in Louisiana and bring his cousin Dano up for a stay. I'm not sure what their deal was, but I guess Dano just follows Scott everywhere and tries to copy him. Kristen didn't seem to mind.
I had gotten on the phone with my old buddy Tom with the intent to ostensibly stage the first annual Playstation tournament at our house. Little did Tom and Dano know that the real reason for this mini ÜberCon was to put on a show for our entertainment.
For those of you who have not been following along at home, let me lay out a brief synopsis of the two main characters involved here.
Tom (a.k.a. Flaming Psycho, Shrieking Berserker, The Hurricane) is a buddy of mine from high school and college (http://www.ubersite.com/m/32465). He had the unique tendency to flip out on you if you said any of the following catch phrases to him:
a. "Calm down"
b. "You fucking suck"
c. "There can be only one"
d. "Hey, Loopy"
He could get triggered by scores of other things, but those four phrases were guaranteed to cause a severe reaction. He also had a shocking propensity for inappropriate outburst if you needled, heckled, or made fun of him in any way.
Dano (a.k.a. Asberger's Boy, The Badger, Captain Insano) is, as I mentioned before, Scott's cousin (http://www.ubersite.com/m/32733). Like Tom, he's also prone to awkward social interaction, violent outbursts, and muttered death threats whenever he doesn't get his way. And, also like Tom, he is inclined to wig out when made fun of.
So Scott, Tony and I all thought it would be the pinnacle of high comedy (i.e., fucking hilarious) if we were to set them up against each other on the Playstation. To keep the event fair, we all decided it would be set up as a "best 2 of 3" contest.
Game 1: NBA Streets 2
Game 2: 2002 FIFA World Cup
Game 3: Ready 2 Rumble Boxing 2
I figured basketball is a very popular sport here in the U.S., but not so much in Europe. Conversely, soccer (a.k.a. football) is more accepted in Europe. If Tom were to crush Dano in the NBA, Dano should at least have the opportunity to return the favor in the World Cup. And Ready 2 Rumble was chosen just because boxing is a pretty international sport, and it's the only other game I have.
When they all arrived, my house was suddenly jam-packed with people: Dano, Tom, Scott, Tony, Tony's wife, me, my wife, and my two daughters. After introductions and a few beers for everyone (except my daughters) we all retired to the media room to start the festivities.
Dano had clearly not had much experience with basketball, but Tony and I helped him out with the selection of his team. Tom chose Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell, and Michael Jordan '85 for his team, while Dano received Larry Bird, Shaquille O'Neal, and Michael Jordan '96. After a seemingly suitable 20 minutes acclimating themselves to the controls, we started.
Immediately, Tom ran out to a 7-0 lead, marked by several incredible stuffs, juke moves, and fantastic dunks. Far beneath the level of the general cheering, I could hear Dano muttering, "You'll be dead soon, smarmy bastard", "Goddamn cheater", and "Fucking Americans" the whole time. Scott periodically looked over at me with growing alarm in his eyes.
"This is bullshit! When are they gonna freak out?" Tony asked impatiently.
His wife replied, "Pipe down, Aphid boy!" http://www.ubersite.com/m/32682. Oddly enough, that quieted the man down.
Dano staged a slight comeback and for a few minutes the two were trading baskets, until the score was held at 19-17. Then Tom launched a wing-and-a-prayer, half court miracle shot that touched nothing but net. Game over, 21-17.
"Goddamnit!! You fucking CHEATER!! Nobody can make that shot!! You fucking put in a CHEAT CODE!!" shrieked Dano at the top of his lungs. I sent my daughters to bed.
"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghh!!!" screamed Tom in reply, then flipped the sofa over and punched his hand through the drywall. Tony and Scott started laughing like lunatics. I didn't think it was very fucking funny. Guess who had to fix that bullshit?
After smoothing their ruffled feathers, we replaced the game with FIFA 2002. Of course, Dano wanted to be England. Tom was (in my opinion) slightly more practical and selected Brazil. At the 84th minute, with the game tied at 6-6, Dano put in the go-ahead goal.
Triumphantly, he yelled, "Aaaahhhh!! What do you think of that, you bloody American wanker! You fucking suck!"
Whoops. It seemed Scott neglected to inform his cousin about the "no-no" phrases to use around Tom. Cue the Hurricane.
"Yaaaaaaaaaahhh!!" Tom invoked the Norse Berserker War Cry, viciously tackled Dano, and started gnawing on the top of his head. Dano was screaming like you wouldn't believe, with blood foaming at the top of his head and around Tom's lips. It scared the shit out of all of us yet, oddly enough, remained goddamned hilarious at the same time. Scott and I managed to pull the two apart, slap a butterfly bandage on Dano's gashed scalp, and continue on with the festivities. Tom continued on as if the whole "head-gnawing" incident never happened, but there was blood around his mouth. Ick.
When it was time, the only stipulation we put on the two combatants for Ready 2 Rumble was that they had to select girl boxers. With the boundaries placed, Dano chose Lulu Valentine and Tom picked Selene Strike.
Round 1: Lulu races out of her corner and pastes her opponent with a ferocious uppercut to the jaw that immediately halves her remaining energy. Selene counters with a flurry of jabs that Lulu has no hope of defending, and follows up with a cruel haymaker to the temple that puts Lulu on her back. She gets up after a 6 count.
Tom was beaming. Dano was fuming. You could see the arteries start pulsing on his forehead, and he started gripping the controller tighter and tighter until I thought it would crumble in his hand. No such luck. However, the round ended before his boxer could suffer much more damage.
Round 2: Selene tries to continue her onslaught, but is sternly rebuffed with a vicious scything backhand from Lulu which causes her to drop to one knee. Seizing the opportunity, Lulu continues to duck and weave and punch and retreat, slowly wearing down Selene's energy until at last her enemy is laying on the mat. Ding! Selene is saved by the bell.
If evil stares were daggers, Dano would have had about 8 steak knives sticking out of his forehead right about then.
Round 3: With both fighters worn out, they basically trade punches Rocky-style, until one of them just drops. In this case, it's Lulu Valentine who leaves the ring defeated. Quite an anti-climactic ending.
Not content to let sleeping dragons lie, Dano couldn't help but exclaim exuberantly. "I win! I win! I am the reigning champion of all time! I am a genius! No one can defeat me! Christ, mate, Put some effort into it next time!"
Scott started backing away from them, cautiously estimating the distance to the door. Tony took his wife's hand and slid along the wall to gain access to the optimum egress route. I quietly picked up my daughter's aluminum T-ball bat, just in case.
"Good bout. I thought we were pretty evenly matched there."
What the fuck? We all just stood there, open-mouthed. Was Tom just being completely rational? Had he grown up in the 30 minutes since he put his hand through the wall?
Dano was laughing at him. "Easy there, Mr. Exciteable. Take it easy. No need to get so upset about it. It's just a game, right? Calm d-..."
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN YOU FUCKING LIMEY!! RAAAAAAAARRRGGHH!!!!!" Tom brought a hideous war cry into being, and slapped Dano across the face so viciously that I thought he would make him go cross-eyed.
"Oh, fuck!!" shouted Tony and Scott together. Dano screamed like a woman and kicked Tom square in the scrotum before picking up the Playstation and bring it down upon Tom's stunned face.
Suitably scared out of their minds, Tony and his wife bolted out the front door. My wife shot up the stairs and cowered in our daughter's room. Scott and I were trapped in a corner and held each other for support. I think we both thought we were going to be victims of circumstance. The circumstance of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when a vicious raging psychotic man-beast was unleashed upon us. I wasn't looking forward to it.
Dazed by Playstation-to-the-temple move applied by Dano, Tom stumbled about for a bit before attempting to engage Dano in a clinch. Dano started screaming, "Goddamn faggot! Get off me! Get OFF! Get o-"
Tom had viciously brought his head up and smashed Dano's mouth shut on his tongue, causing it to bite off the tip, which flew across the room and landed next to Scott and me, the both of us still trembling in the corner.
"Oh by gaaahhh!!", Dano cried, his mouth filling with blood. It looked scary as fuck.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!!" Tom screeched in reply. Before Dano could stage a comeback, Tom took a running start and smashed directly through one of my living room windows onto the back lawn, then made a dash for the cover of the woods behind our house. Dano went straight over to his severed tongue-piece, picked it up, and looked pleadingly at Scott.
"Canoo ache ee oo a hah-ick-ah?"
So we all piled in my wife's Buick Rendezvous and headed down to St. Vincent's Medical Center, where the surgeons were successful in reattaching Dano's tongue. Of course, when we got back, Tom was sitting in front of our TV, watching my Family Guy Season 1 DVD, acting like nothing happened. Dano just grabbed two beers out of the fridge, handed one to Tom, and sat down next to him. The two of them just continued on, laughing along to the show, fast friends.
But they're still not invited over to my house anymore. Goddamned psychos.
Here's a pretty good pic of their facial expressions when fighting:
User Reviews
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2006-05-07 03:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This, my friend, was fucking amazing. Plus. Fucking. Two.
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-05-07 02:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-03 18:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
classic
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-08-09 16:01:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WOW
playstation-to-the-temple move
i love it
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-10-29 15:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
roxors!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sexing with Scott=automatic +2.
I think there's another Jimbo on here and I thought it was you a few times, made the mistake of clicking on his posts, and they sucked. So I haven't really sought anything out of your's since, but now I'm thinking there are two of ya and he's out to soil your fine name.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 02:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo wants me to write the sequel. I've started but it's taking longer than I thought it would.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-04 02:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the greatest posts ever written. Period.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah...though i woulda loved a nice group photo.
Submitted by Arsenal (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly this is one of the funniest stories I have ever read. Defintly the best on Ubersite
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you will you eat my unborn fetus?
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-19 03:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh jimbo. i wuv you.
Submitted by Ccenzo (user info) at 2004-06-16 13:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you get any better? I think not.
Submitted by Desperado (user info) at 2004-05-30 01:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff man
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-29 17:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry i didnt read this earlier. funny, funny shit!
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-05-29 16:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm speechless.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-29 14:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely hilarious...
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-05-29 14:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PurpleHaze (user info) at 2004-05-29 13:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-29 13:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just shat myself laughing. Thanks alot!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-28 01:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_eat_babies (user info) at 2004-05-28 01:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like much stuff on ubersite. But you really made me laugh.
Maybe I just like violence?
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-27 17:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-05-27 17:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like me and my friends and any Madden or wrestling game, or my wife and Mario Kart.
Fishers will be swallowed by Indy eventually. It'll end up like Beach Grove or Speedway.
GK
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheh! Wait a minute, dreary ol' Tampa?
Jimbo, you're probably the classiest guy on Uber.
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-05-18 07:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
god damn physcos
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-18 07:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, PWNstar, you ganked my perfect rating.
Actually, I'm a Fishers man. But the story flows much better when I write "Indy".
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-05-17 23:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-05-17 23:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tee hee...
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-05-17 23:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
god damnit, there was a mini-ubercon in Indy and I didn't know? I thought I was the only Indianapolis guy on here (or Indy area rather).
So, you live downtown? or just around it like everybody else who says they are from Indianapolis? South side here.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is mookymooky??
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-17 21:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mooky mooky
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-17 20:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-17 20:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mooky Mooky
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-17 19:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.. must now go back and read all the linked posts..
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone already told you that it was funny, and it was.
Good work, all the same.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I laughed out a lung.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2. This made me laugh like a noisy drain.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-17 16:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHA!
I hope to God Dano never sees this otherwise I'm a dead man. Kick ass post. Kicker of all ass, in fact.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-17 15:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ this is the funniest thing ever.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-17 15:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-05-17 15:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha this is pretty funny.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-05-17 15:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHHAHAHA, funny shite!
mookymooky