How to be a "cool guy" (3573 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.41 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-05-17 21:18:24 EDT
Every community, every school, every company, has one.
The cool guys.
Everyone knows a cool guy. I'm not talking about your stylish friends, or that guy everyone loves. I'm talking about THE "cool guy".
Go ahead; look at your cool guy. Check him out, don't be afraid. From head to toe, the cool guy is a pure example of everything that's gone wrong in American culture. I offer you a simple step by step program on how to become this symbolic creature.
The first requirement to be a cool guy is bizarre hair. Though not all cool guys have this, it's important, as your hair can broadcast your membership in the cool guy club to your greasy brethren. Cool guys need "cool hair". Step one involves grabbing a hold of a ridiculously large amount of mouse or gel (SHINY PLEASE) and slathering it all over your head. Step two involves manipulating your now dripping locks into some obscene spiky configuration.
Now you're sexy, baby.
As a cool guy, it's your duty to affect some off the wall accent. The more peculiar, and the more fabricated, the better. In fact, it is best to mix two or three accents to create a unique quirky combination. My own school's "cool guy", for example, works off of his natural Bulgarian Accent, adding a medley of an Australian and Boston accent on top of it. It is best if your speaking voice is now so completely unintelligible that no one can figure out what you are trying to say. This maintains your allure. You are limited to the use of phrases such as "Ew Ohwnd zee beetchez", "He woos ar faggot", and "Deh slutz con't git nuff ahf me".
Once you have the hair and the talk, you need the walk. Every cool guy has his own patented walk. Yours should be unique enough that you can be identified from large distances as the coolest mother fucker to grace the earth. Spread your legs, shove a stainless steel pole up your ass, and lean backwards. Practice your swagger every night after you practice your badass face in the mirror. Within a few days, you'll have the coolest walk of all your crew.
At this point, it should be taken into account that you may no longer have friends. Don't worry though, they've just realized that you're way to cool to hang out with them anymore.
You also should note that your new cool guy demeanor should carry over online and on AIM. Delete everything in your profile. Yes, even the ode to your imaginary girlfriend. Change your background to black and your font to neon green. For content ideas, utilize the real life example (taken from the AIM profile of my resident cool guy) below:
---
Killz List:
1. Nissan 300zx (auto) (PWNED!!1)
2. Mitsu. Eclipse GS-T (turbo, stick)
3. Honda Accord V6 2000 (stick)
4. Mitsu. Eclipse GS (stick, many mods)
5. Volvo S80 T6(turbo)
6. Mitsubishi 3000GT SL(auto)
7. Mercedes-Benz E320
8. Nissan 350Z (innexperianced driver)
Ladiez... if u want to hire male strippers, or "escorts"... talk to me... i'd be more than happy to volunteer
I love you... too bad you don't know
fuck teh police
---
Getting the idea? To complete the irony, if you have any car references in your profile, make sure that you yourself have no car, or the crappiest car in existence.
Which brings us to one of the most essential points of cool guy behavior, driving. If you want to fit in with the cool guy group, you have to drive like an asshole. Soup up your car, slap on some atrocious bumper stickers, paint some "speed stripes" on, and go. Make sure to weave ferociously in and out of lanes (to the point of impeding your progress) and blare your obnoxiously loud bad music.
Finally, once you alter your wardrobe to fit the cool guy mystique, you'll be ready to show off the new you on the town. To be the ultimate cool guy, like my favorite local example, lose enough weight to appear severely emaciated, then wear what would have been a tight red muscle shirt (if you had a physique of any sort left). Shiny pants are a must. They should glare, they should sparkle, they should scream, "I am making up for my really small penis".
Good luck in your endeavors. If you want, print out a business card (as another local cool guy, Giovanni, did), even if you don't have a business. Though Giovanni is not my favorite cool guy (I could not obtain a picture of this elusive creature, Vasyl), he is nonetheless a useful example. To further emulate Giovanni, proclaim to your peers that "I weel mahk more cahsh than yoo becauz I ahm leek ah lazer beam".
Because my scanner is broken, you will have to settle for using your imagination.
Happy laser beaming!
User Reviews
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-05-22 13:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you were talking about me. I remember the conversation between you and Ben last year and how gel is stupid, and I had a shitload of it in my hair that day. Then you talked about black backgrounds and neon green font. Then I knew it wasn't me.
...damn. Way to let down a potential cool guy.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-19 10:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love to lick it
Love to suck it
Took a shit
In a bucket...
CB4.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-18 21:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy fuck sublime, that guy is my best friend in the whole world, and that's not quite his sn. But the dude you're thinking of is my best friend and he's awesome.
This guy who's profile I've posted I dont even talk to online, he's a total assinine idiot.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-05-18 21:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
which one of your aim buddies is this? hothothothotguy?
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-18 21:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, you are commanded Squirrel.... Write... write for all your worth...
In other news my proposal didn't go over well with squirrel...
I'll be stuck pining away for the rest of my life *sob*
heh
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-18 20:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hm.... I would write a cool girl's post, but I'm not sure what cool girls are.
I'm an isolated species, I am surrounded by men, and have one girl friend. As a result, I haven't been exposed to these "cool girls".
I'll look into it.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-18 18:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know his name. It's<***CENSORED TO PROTECT THE COOL***>
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-05-18 18:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cool people suck.
Submitted by versus_god (user info) at 2004-05-18 18:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha im the ocol guy, only i dont follow any of those deals.
im all kinds of cool, you just dont know it until you get to know me
Submitted by R.P.McMurphy (user info) at 2004-05-18 18:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny chit
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-18 18:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hooray for you. cool girls are worse than the guys though. write a post on that. you have been commanded. hooray for you, you get a +2
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2004-05-18 17:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ugh... never fuck the "cool guy" they tend to be so self absorbed that they suck in bed or have odd fetishes.
Jay... I want my thigh highs and pasties back
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Neato, bottom of most heated.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-05-18 09:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by Katia69 (user info) at 2004-05-18 01:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're so cute!
thank god my bf is'nt cool, he drives an 84 rustbucket Toyota Corolla, speaks clearly, very smart, (doing accounting actually)hasn't slept around, a bit shy and hates hair gel/other crap including shampoo. hmmm but he's good in bed.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-18 00:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im so fucking cool its not even funny.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-18 00:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is true daking, this is true.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-05-18 00:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My third post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/6430
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-18 00:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-17 23:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus two for you.
I always thought the Fonz was cool, then again there is a definition of cool these days that is perfectly described by you.
SO I hate it that cool has been usurped like gay.
Hell a lot of gays I know are anything but gay. In fact they are miserable twats. Then the guys who think they are seripusly cool are in fact major wankers.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-17 23:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You guys are precious.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-05-17 23:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what you heard about me. Hoe, you can't get a dollar outta me. No cadillacs, no perms, you can't see that I'm a mother fucking P.I.M.P.
Okay, here's a 2.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-05-17 23:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JorKen (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:10:46 (#)
Ranking: -2
How to be a tard.
Step 1. Post on ubersite describing some jackass you think was cool but treated you like shit.
Step 2. try to act cool
Step 3. Realize the fact this isn't funny
I've lost all faith in humanity.
"Gene Simmons: We're gonna be playing five big shows in five bi-
Ace Frehley: ROCK AND ROLL.
Gene Simmons: Why don't you just go stand in the corner? Go on..."
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is satire... I feel bad cause like 80% of that stuff is me.
A. Spiky hair- Got It!
B. BMW 325i i've put some serious work into
C. I dont really have a walk... I dont think
D. New England accent... Pahk the Cah in The Havad Yahd.
E. What's included in the cool guy clothes? I got a buncha skater clothes, is that "cool"?
Oh well, dont mean to be cool or anything it's just what i am.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
returning the +1
:)
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Arent you too young to have a boyfriend?
I have spiky gelled hair, an import, and well thats about it. I guess im semi-cool. Lukewarm even.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you weren't my sister, I'd flash you. But that would make mom upset.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
durrrrrr -2 because U r Stwpid
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why am I not surprised that people don't recognise good satire when they see it?
Shake them haters off, Viv.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND SATIRE.
The two guys mentioned in this post, are just two guys who I enjoy laughing at.
They are not my boyfriend, who is a very nice young man.
Jeebus people.
Submitted by JorKen (user info) at 2004-05-17 22:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How to be a tard.
Step 1. Post on ubersite describing some jackass you think was cool but treated you like shit.
Step 2. try to act cool
Step 3. Realize the fact this isn't funny
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't really read it, but the title made me think of Steve Martin's stand-up routine involving him being a "cool guy". I guess that is worth a +1
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have you noticed that through the millions of teen movies and posts like this, nobody ever hears from the cool guy?
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God I love random joe.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-17 21:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh, all the "cool guys" at my school are faggy skaters that have long hair that they don't wash
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh stop. Squirrels got a boyfriend.....
She wants to kiss him...
she wants to hug him...
You gotta read it in that singsong voice.
Submitted by Jesus_Loves_TwEE (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:33:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm cool. Right?
Right?
*sob*
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Freebie, it's satire. I hate these guys.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm totally uncool.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice work.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-05-17 21:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I believe these cool guys you're obsessed with are called assholes. At least they were in my days at junior high.