Slandering the Dead (997 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.47 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-05-18 01:41:25 EDT
As a history buff, I like to read about the historical figures that have shaped the world we live in today. After months of painstaking research on the internet, I have compiled some shocking untold stories of 3 famous historical persons. These facts which I am bringing to light are not widely known, and may be shocking to some readers.
You have been warned.
MOTHER THERESA
She is renowned as a saint for her help with the poor in the slums of Calcutta. Her name is synonymous with goodness and selflessness.
What is less well know about her however is what she did before becoming a nun and saint. In her teenage years she was a street kid. At night she would prowl the dusty streets of Calcutta looking for wayward young men. When she found them, she would lure them to dark alley ways with the promise of sexual favors. Once the mark let his guard down, she would slay the young man with a concealed dagger and feast upon his supple young flesh.
She would devour the liver, eyeballs and genitals, but the heart she would carve out and take with her in a small pouch. She would later offer this grisly prize as a burnt sacrifice to the dark goddess Kali in hopes of gaining supernatural powers over her enemies.
Later, she converted to Christianity.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
'Honest Abe' as he was known, is considered one of the greatest American presidents ever. It was through his leadership that slavery was abolished and the USA emerged intact through the civil war. His stoic visage now graces Mount Rushmore along side other great US presidents.
What his staff struggled to keep secret about the great president however was his old-lady fetish. Honest Abe was what is now colloquially called, a 'grave robber'. Even when he was a teenager, he would seduce and bone old shrived crones in their 70's, 80's and even 90's. He continued his geriatric sexual escapades up until his death in 1865.
A little known fact was that Abe had several sexual encounters with John Wilkes Booths' grandmother, which may have been a factor in the motive for the assassination.
Back in Lincoln's day, scandal was much easier to cover up, due to the limited nature of mass communication. What was harder to keep under wraps though were the parades of broken old women that Lincoln had rough sex with. Lincoln was renowned at being very vigorous and violent in bed, and the brittle bones caused by low calcium diets of old women back in that era made for a lot of shattered pelvises and broken hips.
Due to the primitive nature of health care, most of the old women died soon after their romantic encounter with Abe, broken and discarded like used condoms. Those who did survive knew better than to make a fuss, or else old Abe and his blood-engorged 'Little Mr. President' would pay them another visit and show grandma who was boss.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Einstein is reguarded throughout the world as one of the greatest scientists and thinkers who ever lived His name has become synonymous with genius and intelligence, and he is one of my personal heroes.
What I found out about how he spent his spare time was rather odd though. His other passion, besides physics, was being an Avant Gauarde performance artist.
His favorite medium for his art was rotting sides of beef and goose droppings.
Before moving to the US, he would perform on the streets of Munich for passerbys. Completely naked except for a cloth diaper, he would paint the shape of female breasts over his body with the goose droppings.
He then carved and arranged the rotten sides beef to resemble a large vagina laying on the sidewalk. Once it was complete, he crawled into the giant vagina and obscure himself from view. When enough pedestrians had gathered around, he would burst forth from the rotten-beef vagina like he was being born, squealing and writhing like a monstrous newborn baby.
He would then shriek out the following impromptu poem in an anguished falsetto voice:
Mother!
You Excreted Me
Mother!
I impede you
Apparently it was quite a show.
User Reviews
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She made a mistake when she converted.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-25 01:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-21 02:05:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read everything you've ever written, you studly genius of a hunk.
Okay, not everything. I had, however, read those. And laughed. Cackled, actually.
That probably says more about me than I'd like.
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Hahahh cool! Well expect some more like those in the future, once I get a bit of time to work on some more (I am loaded with ideas, just need the time...)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-21 02:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read everything you've ever written, you studly genius of a hunk.
Okay, not everything. I had, however, read those. And laughed. Cackled, actually.
That probably says more about me than I'd like.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-21 01:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-20 02:22:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
I declare my love, and you go off on a tangent about YOUR post - why is it always about you? I don't think I'm asking for too much when I need you to focus every resource you have on ME, dammit.
Actually, I'd like to see what you can come up with in the performance art department.
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Hahaha, you are an extremely good writer. I have read quite a few of your posts and you are damn good. There are few writers on this site I watch out for and you're one of them.
But I can say before declaring any love for me, you should know I have done...uh..shall we say questionable things.
For example http://www.ubersite.com/m/32346 (relations with fruit) and http://www.ubersite.com/m/28554 (much worse...). If you read those and still think I am a funny guy...well then I'd be amazed.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-20 02:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I declare my love, and you go off on a tangent about YOUR post - why is it always about you? I don't think I'm asking for too much when I need you to focus every resource you have on ME, dammit.
Actually, I'd like to see what you can come up with in the performance art department.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-19 23:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-18 21:07:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to say it was the subtle hint of genius that lurks behind all your posts, but... I'm really remarkably shallow. Genius be damned - it was the poem. Actually, it was just the whole mental image of that 'performance art.' You know that somebody's going to go do that now...
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Thanks for the compliment! This has me thinking about other horrible 'performance art' acts that I can make up...
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-18 21:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-18 21:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-18 13:35:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:38:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm in love with you.
No, really.
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Hahahah, It was the poem that did it, wasn't it?
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I'd like to say it was the subtle hint of genius that lurks behind all your posts, but... I'm really remarkably shallow. Genius be damned - it was the poem. Actually, it was just the whole mental image of that 'performance art.' You know that somebody's going to go do that now...
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed.
plus douche for you.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-05-18 13:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fun-e
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-18 13:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:38:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm in love with you.
No, really.
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Hahahah, It was the poem that did it, wasn't it?
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this, I liked this a LOT!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm in love with you.
No, really.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-05-18 09:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-05-18 06:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Mother Theresa was Albanian/Macedonian: http://www.nobel.se/peace/laureates/1979/teresa-bio.html
This post was crud.
And when she died, Elton John sang "Sandals in the bin..."
Submitted by Kichigai (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-18 04:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is so surprising is that the description of Alberts performance has probably been , or is about to be, performed by some warped artist somewhere.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-18 03:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job, fucker
Submitted by Captain-Cretin (user info) at 2004-05-18 03:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
American humour?????
Give me Fawlty Towers any time.
Submitted by Caitlin <outof_line.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-05-18 02:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Mother Theresa wasnt from india, she didnt grow up there, she was either ukranian or czech and she did not grow up in india
you suck and you should die. now.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-05-18 02:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
twisted, yet great
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-18 02:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Splendid; almost matched black tape gerbil play for cheeky goodness.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-18 01:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mother theresa.... Oh lord *blesses himself* I think i'm goin to hell for reading this.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-18 01:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What.
The.
Fuck.
+2
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-18 01:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once I saw rough sex and Lincoln in the same sentence, I KNEW this post deserved a +2.